An Englishman's View
Now that the first verbal shots have been fired in the opening salvo of the war of words on Scottish independence it's time for a view from an unpatriotic Englishman.
My entire life I've had to suffer the complaining, whinging, whining and bleating of ex-pat Scots who've made their home in England.
I've encountered them in every conceivable situation, from classroom to college, from work-place to wine-bar, from buses to bar-rooms, from cafés to car-parks, from pub to pulpit. They infest every nook, crack and cranny of our society and body politic. They hold positions of influence and power out of all proportion to their number, talent, intelligence, wit or charm and blight our land with their pathological patriotism and contempt for all things English.
Coming from a country blessed with mostly sub-zero temperatures, their males dress in ridiculous checked tribal skirts; (reputedly wearing no underwear) this is presumably to convince the rest of the world they're hard and hardy.
They play the most unmusical and loathsome instrument on earth, requiring a great deal of puff, of which they have plenty and they toss telegraph-poles in wind-lashed fields for fun.
They celebrate the dreadful doggerel of the direst poet ever to have penned vernacular verse and they celebrate his birth by eating sheep's stomachs filled with offal and recite his lamentable drivel in incomprehensible accents whilst consuming vast quantities of alcohol.
They support any national team in any sport when it's playing against England, and they complain unceasingly at the iniquity of not receiving the full revenues from what they erroneously claim is 'Scottish' oil.
They vote in the Westminster parliament upon purely English matters whilst we are denied any voice in legislation north of the border. Independence will permanently end this iniquitous and unconstitutional anomaly.
Why David Cameron is keen to preserve the union, when quite clearly the majority of the English would be absolutely delighted to be rid of this bellicose race of bellyaching bare-kneed barbarians, is a mystery beyond explanation. Imagine the relief we would all experience when at last, we can deport them all back over the border, to meander up the mountains, hike amidst the heather, languish in the lochs and gambol through the glens.
If the redoubtable Alex Salmond is truly desirous of obtaining a resounding 'YES!' to Scottish independence, then he should be advocating that all the English are given the vote in any proposed referendum. That way he would be assured of victory and we English would be certain of a more peaceful, happy and less costly future existence.
So come on England! Let's all vigorously campaign for an end to this ridiculous union and fly our new flag with pride, and relief at being shot of these troublesome tartan-clad curmudgeons, once and for all.
