24 Times We Regretted Electing A Liberal Government In Victoria

It's easy to forget, with the public sector job cuts, rising unemployment, cuts to health and education, ambulance waiting times, broken CFA promises, two Premiers, two Speakers and one 'colourful' defecting independent, some of the other times that have made us shake our heads at the Liberal Government elected in November 2010. Here are just a few reminders.

1. The time we needed to consider the rights of pedophiles

Via theaustralian.com.au

"One of the things that is a real issue here is that we have to balance the rights of children and families and also with the rights of pedophiles," [Community Services Minister Mary Wooldridge] told 3AW.

This was the Minister's response to the Cummins inquiry, which child abuse and neglect was suspected to be growing so quickly that almost one in every four children born in 2011 would be the subject of at least one welfare protection report by the time they turned 18.

2. The time we found out about 300 year old train tracks.

Via youtube.com

Some 77 years before the First Fleet rocked up, or 124 years before John Batman looked at a muddy Yarra River and exclaimed "this will be the place for a village", the area now known as Victoria was already blessed with an abundance of train tracks, according to Transport Minister Terry Mulder.

This would prove fortuitous, as the first steam locomotives went on to be invented just a century or so later.

3. The time we discovered the truth about Adjunct Professor Southwick

buzzfeed.com

Liberal MP for Caulfield David Southwick claimed on his CV, among other things, to have been an Adjunct Professor at RMIT. He also claimed to hold a Graduate Diploma in Marketing from Monash.

Turns out Professor Southwick holds a Bachelor of Bullshit Arts. None of it was true, as was later verified by the universities in question.

Then again, 'adjunct' can also be taken to mean "something added to another thing but not essential to it, or a person associated with lesser status, rank, authority, etc". Perhaps he wasn't too far from the truth after all.

4. The time the Planning Minister was told off by Miley Cyrus

buzzfeed.com

When Planning Minister and leadership aspirant Matthew Guy came in like a wrecking ball to rezone farmland at Ventnor on Phillip Island for commercial development, local residents were understandably pissed off.

But it ultimately took Miley Cyrus of all people, who visited the island in 2010, to embarrass Guy into backing down with this tweet:

@MileyCyrus: Phillip Island is such a magical place, it would be a shame to see it change. #REALLIFEFERNGULLY www.facebook.com/GPMOB

Now Matthew Guy is blocking freedom of interest requests seeking to uncover exactly what went on with this still unfolding saga. Hmmm...

5. The time Kim Wells opened 'Moorpoopna' Police Station

buzzfeed.com

Oh dear.

6. The time it was made illegal to call Michael O'Brien a wanker

buzzfeed.com

This was probably best explained by US-based humour site cracked.com, but in short Michael O'Brien snuck in changes to the Gambling Regulation Act in 2011 that would make it an offence to "assault, obstruct, hinder, threaten, abuse, insult or intimidate" the Gaming Minister.

No wonder he's known around the Victorian Parliament by the nickname 'Windscreens O'Brien' - he clearly has a glass jaw.

For the record, Michael O'Brien is no longer Gaming Minister so I guess can feel free to call him a wanker again if you wish.

7. The time we found out there was a Minister for Nothing

buzzfeed.com

After the 2010 election Richard Dalla-Riva was made Minister for Manufacturing, Exports and Trade, Employment and Industrial Relations. Despite this impressive title, former Premier Ted Baillieu in his infinite wisdom ensured Mr Dalla-Riva did not have carriage of a single Act of parliament.

You would imagine a Minister with no genuine ministerial power would, if nothing else, at least be able to stay out of trouble. In fact, Mr Dalla-Riva kept such a spectacularly low profile that, when he was unceremoniously dumped from cabinet on the same 'night of the long knives' that installed a new Premier, the powers that be almost forgot that he was actually in India representing Ted Baillieu at the time.

Mr Dalla-Riva has been harder for the Liberal Party to forget in the past though - between sexually harassing 18 year old girls and inappropriately accessing the LEAP database to spy on his neighbours, it's a wonder he ever got to sit on the front bench in the first place.

8. The time we paid $42,000 for 23 dead goats

blogcdn.com

One of the more bizarre wastes of taxpayers' money we can recall. So many questions:

Why goats, when feral pigs and deer are a much bigger problem for Victorian farmers?
Why hire specialist kiwi goat assassins, when local shooters could have done the job?
Why did they only manage to shoot 23 of the buggers?
And why did they cost us $1826 per goat?

They have to be kidding us.

9. The time it cost $268,000 to build a dunny

buzzfeed.com

In 2012 we found out the government was spending $17 million to install toilets at suburban train stations - an impressive $268,000 per toilet.

If you're at one of these train stations and need to lay a cable though, you might have to hold it in - these toilets are exclusively for the use of Protective Services Officers.

Talk about pissing money away.

10. The time Louise Asher slept through a vote on a budget bill

Exactly the kind of top-notch performance you'd expect in the Legislative Assembly from a Manager of Government Business.

11. The time Ted Baillieu was caught ripping off John Brumby.

The John Brumby press release:

"The MCG is our nation’s greatest sports venue, one of our proudest icons, and has been recognised as one of the best sporting stadiums in the world.
“More than 150,000 footy fans are expected to flock to the ground this weekend to watch their clubs battle it out in the Preliminary Finals and there is no better place to watch footy than at the people’s ground.

And Ted Baillieu's press release, a year later:

"The MCG is Australia’s greatest sports venue and a Victorian icon, and it has been recognised as one of the best sporting stadiums in the world.”
“More than 150,000 footy fans are expected to flock to the ground this weekend to watch their clubs battle it out in the preliminary finals and there is no better place to watch footy than at the G.

Martin Pakula probably put it best, when he said "Milli Vanilli must be working in the premier's media unit." Yep, that must be it.

12. The time Michael Gidley got the name of his own seat wrong

youtube.com / Via youtube.com

He's the member for Mount Waverley, not Waverley.

13. The time Michael Gidley did his block at a Labor electorate officer

Via youtube.com

When Michael Gidley saw Labor a electorate officer handing out flyers at Parliament Station, he decided to shout at her, demand her name and personal details, attempted to photograph her, then chased her around the station forecourt.

He initially denied any wrongdoing, then quietly apologised when he realised there was video footage of the incident, which had also been witnessed by several journalists.

14. The time we went big cat hunting.

The government launched a 'desktop survey' to try and establish whether the rumours of Victoria being home to some kind of secretive panther were true.

Sometime later, after refusing to identify how much the investigation cost taxpayers or how many public servants were made to work on it, they realised people were probably just seeing feral cats.

Money well spent.

15. The time the Sports Minister didn't know about Sports

In just one statement before the League State of Origin kicked off, Sports Minister Hugh Delahunty:

- called the Blue Captain Paul Gallen "Paul Callan"

- called the State of Origin "State of the Origin"

- said the match was between Queensland and New Zealand.

Clearly he's far more comfortable talking AFL.

16. The time Denis Napthine couldn't count to 24

The Project

Apparently 24 hour public transport stops at 1am. Who knew?

17. The time Ken Smith went completely mad.

This is what happens when former Speaker Ken Smith is let loose on the floor of Parliament after a big lunch.

After this bizarre, angry rant about Napthine's Silencing Act, in which he attacked the opposition and various others for being 'pinkos' and 'commos', the member for Bass presumably retreated to his bomb shelter to wait for the Russians to attack. Or maybe he went to the pub.

Either way, you can read the hansard of the full shambolic tirade here.

18. The time Denis Napthine didn't know where his new train station would be

Ten News / Via youtube.com

After their last budget scrapped the Metro Rail Tunnel in favour of a new line that bypassed the centre of the Melbourne CBD altogether, the Government had a little trouble explaining exactly where a new train station would lie.

Was it in Fishermen's Bend? Southbank? 'Montague'? Crown Casino? We're still not entirely sure.

19. The time Peter Crisp's guns were stolen.

Via sunraysiadaily.com.au

Peter Crisp, Nationals MP for Mildura, copped a good behaviour bond for sloppy gun safety, after several firearms were stolen from his property in New South Wales.

Why does he store his guns in New South Wales when he claims to live in Victoria? Well, that's another story altogether.

20. The time this happened

21. ... and then this happened

22. The time they promised a 90 minute saving on a 60 minute trip.

Shaun Leane / Via Twitter: @ShaunLeaneMP

The Napthine Government is desperate to sell East West Link to both the Member for Frankston and the electorate at large, but recent claims about potential time savings are more than a little lacking in credibility. Shaun Leane MP possibly summed it up best:

Mr LEANE (Eastern Metropolitan) -- With much fanfare the Premier, Denis Napthine, and the Minister for Public Transport, Terry Mulder, announced that travel time will be saved after the east-west link is built. They stated that in the trip from Ringwood to the airport in peak hour people will save 90 minutes. Considering that over the last two days peak hour travel from Ringwood to the airport has taken 60 minutes or less, what will happen to the people of Ringwood? After the east-west link is built they will arrive at the airport 30 minutes before they leave Ringwood.

I see a great peril for the people of Ringwood, whom a number of us represent. There is every chance that the people of Ringwood will arrive at the airport when they are still in the shower.

If that is the case and you are going to save 30 minutes of your life every time you travel to the airport, I am going to travel back and forth from Ringwood to the airport until I get back into my early 20s, I have colour back in my hair and I can have a second crack at a career as a professional boxer or male model.

23. The time they flirted with the World Congress of Families

Edwina Byrne / Via Facebook: events

Until the day before it went ahead, Attorney-General Robert Clark and extreme right-wing upper house MPs Bernie Finn and Jan Kronberg were planning to attend the World Congress of Families conference in Melbourne, where participants learned among other things that poverty is solved by preventing divorce and abortion causes breast cancer.

They were originally meant to be joined by Cory 'Marriage Equality Will Lead to Bestiality' Bernardi and Kevin 'Natural Family Man of the Year' Andrews, but all pulled out at the last minute under the pretence of the conference now being hosted by the extreme Catch the Fire Ministries.

This of course was rubbish, as Bernie Finn had been planning to co-present a session on abortion with a Catch the Fire member all along. The very same group who blamed the Black Saturday bushfires on abortion law reform.

24. ... and every time Bernie Finn says or does, well, anything.

A larger sampling of his spectacular contribution to public life can be found here.