How A Completely Honest Cover Letter And Resume Would Look...

...and the response it would most likely receive. Honestly, lets be honest. We are all guilty of stretching the truth or "embellishing" a bit when writing our cover letters and resume's for potential employers. What if we were completely honest? Example below.

The Cover Letter

Tits Magee

107 Dead End Road

Big Pond, Small Fish 90210

Telephone: 1-800-spankme

To the god among men in charge of reading cover letters,

My name is Tits Magee. I came across an opening for a for an entry level assistant position a.k.a. office bitch on your lame excuse for a website. One of the qualifications for the position is to have proven administrative abilities. After Google searching administrative abilities I realized it’s a fancy word for stupid, monotonous office work like filing, typing and answering phones. I don’t know how I will prove to you that I have the ability to do work that a mentally challenge gorilla could accomplish but I’ll do my best.

The overall goal of your company is something I feel I can get behind. I’m a well rounded, positive individual with the ability to drink large portions of tequila without ending up with my head in the toilet. I have a BFA in physiology from a cheapest state school I could afford. The most useful skills I learned during my attendance consisted of how to do a keg stand to impress the jocks on the football team, how to have sex in a closet and the importance of establishing oneself as a total BAMF.

What I’m looking for is a job that will pay my bills and provide me with enough leftover funds to go out with my friends, party and act like a total slut till I find the rich, successful business man I’m going to marry so that I don’t have to work anymore. If that doesn’t happen I’ll probably wind up on a reality show, become famous, endorse a shit ton of products and get paid 25,000 dollars to mention them in a tweet. Until my wildest dreams come true I’m forced to partake in Corporate America because retail doesn’t pay enough, been there done that, and the hell if I’m going into the service industry like some out of work actor.

Three to Four times a week I will show up with a hangover, wearing dark sunglasses to hide my bloodshot eyes. On these days I won’t be able to file, answer any phones or schedule any meetings for the first hour because I’ll be ‘sleeping it off’ in the break room. I also require an extended lunch break where I will unapologetically shove tacos from a Mexican food cart into my face. For the record I love tacos and all things Mexican. At some point I may end up on the CEOs desk with my legs in the air. Hopefully it will be the CEO with his pants down but it might be the Mexican maintenance man.

Please further review my outstanding work history by gazing ever so carefully at my intricately crafted resume. If you have any questions please feel free to contact me by phone, email or if you want to stop by for beer and tequila shots my address is on the top of this cover letter as well as my resume. I look forward to hearing from you to schedule an interview where we will further discuss the position. As well as where I will answer the stupid questions you will ask me like, “If I were a crayon what color would I be and why” and “where do I see myself in five years.” All to figure out if I have a personality and will be a pleasurable employee and an ASSet to the company.

Well Wishes,

Tits Magee

The Resume

Tits Magee

107 Dead End Road

Big Pond, Small Fish 90210

Telephone: 1-800-spankme

Education

Cheap and Affordable Institute of Tech, State University May 2011

Bachelor’s Degree, Flip-cup

Experience

Sales Representative November 2013 – Feb. 2015

•Lured customers into the store from the street using samples of hand and body lotion

•Sold overpriced products that were total bullshit to make my commission

•Made out with several employees in the facial room

•Learned that Indian, French and English people are cheap but not as cheap as people from Yemen

•Continued my active search for a sugar daddy

Manager Sept. 2014 – Dec.2014

Skincare/Home fragrance/Tea Shop New York, NY

•Bossed the staff around while I sat behind the counter drinking screwdrivers

•Came and went as I damn well pleased

•Sold a rich woman 300 dollars’ worth of “real” sea sponges

•Offered tea samples that tasted like fecal matter and cold medicine

•Defended the tea samples when customers told me they tasted like fecal matter and cold medicine

•Continued my active search for a sugar daddy

•Realized my boss and his wife were selfish, greedy and completely insane so I left

Assistant Manager May 2013 – January 2014

Soap Shop New York, NY

•Refused to take any shit from my ‘manager’ when she tried to tell me what to do

•Directed black people to the hand cream to help with ashy skin

•Shooed away homeless people that wandered into the store and made it smell like cheap gin and vomit

•Showed up stoned to the monthly store meetings and listened to the ‘manager’ blab about her one night stands

•Continued my active search for a sugar daddy

Wholesale Intern (Corporate) February 2011 – April 2011

Clothing Company that went out of business New York, NY

•Tried not to hang myself if the showroom everyday

•Told sex jokes in the break room so that everyone would like me

•Wasted my valuable time sitting behind a computer typing numbers into an excel spreadsheet

•Discovered new hiding spots for the baileys I put in my coffee

•Flirted with the married, straight CEO because he was rich and successful

•Had an affair with the Mexican maintenance man because he was well endowed

Technical Skills

•Making Vodka Stingers, Shoving Tacos in my face, Flirting with sugar daddies, Microsoft Excel

The Likely Response

‘Tits Magee,’

I’m writing in regards to your recent application for a position at our New York City office. After reviewing your cover letter and resume I’m not quite sure how to respond. Although I will admit I found each to be entertaining, it is my hope they are, as they seem to be, fictional. If this is not the case I suggest you seek psychological help immediately and perhaps AA sponsorship. I will also recommend hiring a professional to assist in rewriting both your cover letter and resume to make them more appealing to potential employers. I can’t think of one person who would hire you with your current cover letter and resume.

Sincerely,

Shirley Hogan, HR Representative