Your Hatred of Zooey Deschanel is Totally About Her and Not About You
Your hatred of Zooey Deschanel is definitely about her and not about you, you healthy, well-adjusted man. How could it be about you when literally everyone on Earth hates this successful actress whose TV show averages 5 million viewers? She's a monster, not you. You're totally okay.
As you know, the most hateable thing about Zooey Deschanel is that she sings all the time on that show that you don't watch because you hate her. Not to mention she has two CDs, which you've never listened to because you hate her. Her singing voice infuriates you because it's "too cutesy," not because you are entirely incapable of feeling joy.
Her big blue eyes are disturbing, not because they remind you of all the women who have rejected you, but because they just are.
She's also inescapable. How could you be expected to just ignore her and let people like whatever they like when she's everywhere? She's on TV for 22 minutes a week during the normal television season. That's basically all the time! Plus she's been in two movies in the last two years alone!
That's bad enough as is, but she even pops up in commercials, like that Pantene one where she doesn't even say anything, or the iPhone one from 2 years ago that aired for a couple weeks ago before they switched to Sam Jackson. That's practically a full frontal assault. You could hardly be blamed for destroying your brand new flatscreen and suing her for the damages!
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