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1. Your kid woke up four times in the middle of the night looking for his pacifier, which he had thrown out of his crib five minutes after you left his room the last time. It’s ok, that’s why scientists created the magical elixir of paradise: coffee.
2. Your biggest feeling of accomplishment of the day comes when you realize that for the past 10 minutes your kid has been playing quietly by herself. God help you if you make eye contact!
3. Instead of annoying and incompetent adult coworkers, you instead have to reason with a small caveman who throws a tantrum when you tell him it’s not OK to paint the cat with jelly.
4. No matter how hard you try to learn the lyrics to “The Wheels on the Bus,” memorize the words to Hippos Go Berserk or pack a gourmet lunch with all of their favorite snack packs, they will always want more from you.
5. Finding other mom friends is hard, and you’re starting to seem desperate.
6. You’ve lost all sense of the sexy I-work-8-to-5-then-come-home-from-work-in-my-sexy-work-suit-and-have-a-sexy-glass-of-wine-while-telling-my-sexy-awesome-work-stories self, and you’re struggling to embrace the “new you”.
7. Your perceived success for the day is measured by whether or not you put on your “nice” yoga pants. If your back-up pair is also in the laundry, it’s best to just give up. Better luck tomorrow.
8. You haven’t contributed financially to the household for years, and you forget what it felt like to actually get a paycheck for your 24/7 effort.
9. You don’t get much adult conversation, so you find yourself regularly asking your toddler if she thought the guest on Dr. Phil was just a fame whore or if she really did suffer from extreme agoraphobia because of her abandonment issues.
10. It’s hard to handle the stress of raising (a.k.a. keeping alive) well-behaved future cancer-curers while acting as housekeeper, chef, tutor, wardrobe department, ER nurse, chauffeur and therapist. When in doubt, turn to wine. Wine is always the answer.
11. Every day, you have exactly 31.5 minutes to shower, brush your teeth, use the bathroom, respond to emails, eat breakfast AND lunch, tidy up the play room and return your mom’s phone call.
12. Finally, the hardest part of the job is keeping up appearances that being a stay-at-home mom is hard. In reality, it’s the most fun, most hilarious, most heart-warming job that exists, and you are so thankful to those around you for their support.
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