I Asked A Financial Therapist About Money Avoidance And Here's What I Learned

"The anxiety that you were holding off with your avoidance, it keeps coming up because it has something that it wants to tell you."

When our cash-flow situation looks good, we might be gung ho with our money goals, putting things on autosave or diligently socking away funds for that dream vacay, car upgrade, or what have you. All in all, we feel good about things. But when money is tight and we start to lean too hard on our credit card, or bills start piling up, we might avoid looking at our finances altogether.

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This is what is commonly known as money avoidance. Although it might sound like it, "money avoidance" isn't when you see a stash of cash and jet. Rather, it's when we avoid our financial situation altogether because, well, it might feel too stressful or dredge up too many ill feelings.

Sound familiar? We've all been there and been money avoidant at some point in our lives. It's like when the "check engine" light goes off in our car and we use a piece of tape to cover it up. But we can only avoid thinking about money for so long before the consequences start showing up.

To learn more, I talked to Amanda Clayman, a financial therapist and host of Death, Sex & Money's Financial Therapy on WNYC, on how money avoidance can show up, why it's harmful, and what those who suffer from it can do about it:

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At its core, money avoidance is when we flat-out ignore our financial situation at all costs. The number-one sign of this is if you ask someone what their money management routine looks like and they have a totally blank response, says Clayman.

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"There's no set time where they sit down and look at what bills are due, or when they look at what their spending activity or charging activity was, which leads to a lot of vagueness," she says. "They just don't have an idea of what's happening with their money."

Another sign is when someone creates rules or beliefs around money. Clayman provides the following example: They might say they don't do certain things because they cost too much money, or always take the train. "To do those things that cost too much money, you'd have to really pay attention and be conscious about how you spend your money, and allocate it for those types of purchases," says Clayman. "Once they fall outside of what's habitual, it can cause problems."

Here are some other telltale signs that someone might be money avoidant:

• Not looking at bank or credit card statements

• Putting off any money tasks

• Not having a clue how much money is in the bank 

• Overspending 

• Being late or missing bills altogether, or needing to catch up on months' worth of bills 

• Have problems sticking to a budget or creating one in the first place 

• Avoiding talking about money with friends or family

• Not having a clue where outstanding debt has gone 

• Not tackling debt that has gone to collections

• Having bills on autopay without having consciousness around their money 

The root of money avoidance is that thinking about money, looking at our bank statements, or attempting to manage our finances can bring up feelings of shame, anxiety, worry, and overwhelmingness.

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Just like other forms of avoidance, money avoidance protects our ability to function and stay regulated by limiting our exposure to the thing that gets us upset, explains Clayman. "It's a topical application, because we're creating more and more friction around these tasks and emotional heft to them." 

Ironically, money avoidance creates more money problems. "When we finally do take a look at our money, the experience is so unpleasant that what we've unwittingly done is reinforce the habit of avoidance," says Clayman.

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"That's because the experience that gets imprinted on our brain is saying, 'Look, that was as terrible as we feared it would be.' We start to believe we were right to avoid it all along. It contributes to the emotional experience, and it continues to lead to that same behavior." 

You can think of it a little like a pile of junk you stuff underneath your bed. You might keep adding to the pile and avoid sorting through it and making sense of the mess. Perhaps you feel afraid of what you'll find or think that cleaning it up will be super overwhelming. And when you do get around to it, your suspicions are confirmed: The mess is as awful as you suspected. 

Being money avoidant can create a slew of problems: We might pay a bunch of late fees for not keeping close track of cash flow or forget to pay a bill on time. Or because our credit scores may be lower, we might have to pay higher interest rates on a loan or credit card.

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"It's harder for you to make changes even if you want to make them," says Clayman, "because you don't have the awareness and the information in order to make those changes."

And when we don't have a grasp of our financial situation, we aren't able to spend and save intentionally. Because it feels like our money ends up in a vortex, we aren't able to make shifts in our spending and earning to save for the future.  

It's very difficult to take money out of what you are currently spending in terms of your lifestyle, even if these are desired changes, says Clayman. They require attention in order for you to be able to figure out how to do it and then implement a new system. "Things that are going on with us internally tend to show up in some way, shape, or form with our money," says Clayman.

Now comes the fun part — or the actual work, rather — to get past bouts of money avoidance, we need to acknowledge the avoidance and the reasons for our avoidance, says Clayman.

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"Say to yourself, 'Yes, I am avoidant. This is the way my brain and body are trying to avoid this upsetting thing. It's part of my brain and body's way of maintaining homeostasis, et cetera. We then give some recognition and respect to the wisdom of how our brain and body work, and understand that there's a reason and a purpose behind it."

It's only then that we begin to detach ourselves from the shame that gets triggered with money. Instead of labeling it as "bad" or that we're "weak," remind yourself that it's hard because, well, it's just hard. Cut yourself some slack. "The anxiety that you were holding off with your avoidance, it keeps coming up because it has something that it wants to tell you," says Clayman. 

If you feel that your financial life is just too big and too out of control, and as soon as you open that "box," it's going to take over your entire day, you won't be able to do it, says Clayman. Instead, set aside a specific chunk of time each week for money management.

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And here's the super important part: Limit it to only 15 minutes or so. One of the things that we're practicing is to be able to stay in our sort of zone of emotional tolerance for this experience, says Clayman. And that's very different from having a task-based focus.

Sure, the first few minutes will most likely be uncomfortable; all those feelings of anxiety, shame, nervousness, and dread might swell, explains Clayman. But let yourself breathe and settle into the task. And in that 15 minutes, just do a quick weekly review of what's come in and gone out in your different accounts. Look at the account balances, look at your calendar, and think about what expenses you have coming up and what other things are happening in your money world. Then, make a plan for it.

Keep at it. And guess what? Over time, that anxiety will lessen. "One of the things that was making you avoid your money is that you were afraid of what you would see when you look at your account," says Clayman. "If you put your butt in the chair and do it, that repetition may reduce the things you were avoiding in the first place."

Finally, avoidance is not a signal to plow through or ignore. Instead, avoidance is a signal to slow down and to unpack. "So instead of trying to push through and get it over with, we can sort of say like, oh, look, this is my avoidance. This is a sign that I need to be extra gentle with myself and to give myself extra time here," says Clayman.

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When we maintain a solid present-day routine that has awareness and a certain amount of adjustment built into it, it pushes things into the future, says Clayman. "And when that future gets there, it falls over you like a wave, as opposed to you bringing that wave into your present-day life and creating chaos," she says.  

Getting past money avoidance is no joke and takes a ton of effort. But guess what? As Clayman explains, it's a prime example of money opening the door to a level of deeper meaning. "It's really trying to come up and express ourselves. And there's the potential for something to be healed, or the opportunity for growth and the development of competence and confidence." 

Have you experienced money avoidance? Share what it feels like for you (or any tips that have helped you get through it) in the comments.

And for more stories about life and money, check out the rest of our personal finance posts.