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I've had some crappy jobs since entering the world of work; I was the headset girl on a Maccie's drive-thru, I've been a waitress at a chain restaurant where the highlight of my Saturday night was restocking the salad bar and most likely smearing mayo down myself in the process, I've been a waitress at a failing restaurant where the chefs getting someone's order right was rarer than the steak… The list goes on. Finally I decided to turn in my apron and bum bag and try my hand at shop work. And that too has proven to be a hellish job at times. I work in the fitting rooms at a well-known high street store and here are the five things I've learnt from working in retail:1. People Smell TerribleWorking in an enclosed space where hundreds of people in a day take their kit off makes for some awful stinks. These stenches are, perhaps, expected to some extent. What you won't be expecting are the eye-watering fumes that hit your nasal passages from a t-shirt that someone tried on for less than a minute. You will want to hand people sticks of deodorant before allowing them into your fitting rooms; this is not allowed. You will want to douse every member of the public in Febreeze before allowing them access; this too is not allowed. You may, in times of stress, panic and smell your own under arms to make sure it isn't you that's stinking the place up. Don't worry. It's not you. Eventually you will get very good at pretending you can't smell a thing. If you're lucky you might not even have to pretend - your nose hairs may have been burnt off after a particularly pungent sweat-drenched dress gets handed back to you. If that's the case then be thankful. 2. People Sneak EVERYTHING InIt doesn't matter how many times you tell people they can't go in the fitting rooms with their baskets/male partners/food/fake eyelashes/false nails. They will find ways to sneak them in anyway. "Sorry lovely, your husband needs to stay outside - there's other women in there", "No, you can't take a basket in there, company policy!", "I'm sorry but false nails and knickers need to stay outside please" all said in a cheery, customer friendly voice.You may as well be mute or invisible, people are going to ignore you anyway. Seriously. You'll turn away for a second and all of a sudden you're stampeded by herds of husbands, hordes of teen girls with thongs and fake eyelashes all armed with brimming baskets. And nobody will want what they tried on anyway. 3. "Recovery" Is The Belief That Shop Workers Stand A Chance Of Tidying Up On ShiftLet me tell you straight: they don't. Managers and supervisors will command you to man the battlestations and assume your recovery positions but honestly? I swear recovery is a myth. They seem to believe that we can tidy up and keep the shop floor in immaculate condition over the course of the day, but when you have a thousand customers rifling through your displays as though these were the last sunglasses on earth being mass produced? All hope flies out of the shop doors as soon as we open for browsing. The truth is that shopping becomes a deadly sport. People will see you tidy and size order hanging clothes and before you know it they pounce, rifling through garments as if their lives depended on it. You will see hangers flung like throwing stars, children attacking the mannequins, belts used to garotte other customers who have just taken the last size twelve KISS t-shirt. It's a mess out there. Just accept you have no hope of tidying it and move on.4. People Will Use The Fitting Rooms As A ToiletAnd this happens more than you would like to think about. You're doing a walk-through, checking that the cubicles are tidy, no hangers lying around or hygiene stickers stuck on walls. Things are going well. Too well… That's when you see it in the end cubicle. A puddle of pee. Or puke. Or a used tampon. Or a poo sitting on the bench. Seriously, we've had them all. You run out to grab the nearest wet floor sign, to block the cubicle off. It's more than your life is worth if a child starts splashing in that puddle or someone sets their clothes down in that poo. You then have to ring the Customer Service desk to call for a cleaner. You probably have a special code for this - where I work it's a code three for Bio Hazard. And all the time you're disgusted but also kind of amazed at how bare faced people can be. Who would seriously use the fitting room cubicles as a toilet?! As disgusted as you are, let's not lie. You're also kind of enjoying it. You'll be getting phone calls from all departments asking what it is. And now you've got something to gossip about in the staff room. At least it's not you who has to clean it up - that one's all for the cleaners.5. People Will Get Naked On The Shop Floor It's ten minutes until closing time. The fitting rooms are shut now and you're stood at the desk casually turning people away and dreaming of what you'll have for dinner when you get in. A family come and beg to be let in with the fifty items of clothing each person wants to try on before they buy. You gleefully say no and recite your returns policy to them. An old woman sees her chance and asks if she might try on her few items - she's tired, shopping takes it out of her. Again you say no and she decides that she will try her clothes on anyway… just on the shop floor. Off comes her jacket, t-shirt, bra. You're stood there, embarrassed. People will probably think you're a terrible human being for making an old woman strip off on the shop floor. Still you stand firm and refuse to let her in. Secretly you're hoping security will come over and ask her to put her clothes back on. They won't. You're ten minutes late leaving work now anyway. And emotionally scarred. These are the most important things I've learnt so far. Let me know if you think I've missed any out, or if you've had experience with any of these!
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