Who Christina Grimmie Was To Me

She isn't just the singer from The Voice who passed away at the hands of evil; she was a person who inspired a whole generation.

"For if we live, we live to the Lord, and if we die, we die to the Lord. So then, whether we live or whether we die, we are the Lord’s." -Romans 14:8

I have always loved making videos. Ever since I could get my hands on a camera, I have been making small films. They started with my dolls and stuffed animals, then my friends became the actors, and eventually I managed to get out from behind the camera to sit in front of it. The final edit never made it past my hard drive or onto a CD. It was just a hobby. I found most of the fun lied in the creation and not showing it to an audience.

Around age twelve, I discovered YouTube. At first I just used it for saving my content, but then I started to watch the videos that would pop up. I fell in love with about a dozen channels and began to watch them regularly.

Christina Grimmie's was one of them.

At the time, I knew her as zeldaxlove64. She made videos about gaming, which really peaked my interest. The gaming community is, and especially was at the time, very much male dominated and I often felt like I was not taken seriously as a girl gamer. I was rarely passed a controller; my guy friends and male family members left me to watch most of the time. Most girls my age were into Barbie. I was into Pokémon. I was keenly aware that I was different and sometimes I embraced that and other times I just wanted to fit in. I was completely in awe watching Christina talk about her video game hobby so openly and I found myself back on her channel a lot.

Christina's hobbies did not stop at gaming; she also was a musician. Singing was another passion of mine that I also kept to myself in fear of getting judged. Her love for music was so strong that it gave me chills. I can remember many nights singing along softly to her covers as I surfed the internet.

Christina Grimmie was everything I ever hoped I could be. She was confident about what she loved and who she was. I wasn't. I realized that was because I was holding myself back.

So I started posting my content publically on YouTube. I started challenging guy gamers. Despite not being the typical suburban girl, I was so happy. If I could go back to any age, it would be age twelve. I sincerely believe that year was so great partially because of Christina's influence.

Then seventh grade happened. I feel like everyone struggles in middle school, but the amount of pain, depression, and loneliness that I felt that year still haunts me. It was the lowest point in my life. School was like a battlefield every day. My only solace was when I came home and could open up my laptop. The YouTube community, Christina's channel especially, was my safe place. They were people like me: people who were misunderstood but found relief and joy in being creative. I posted many different kinds of content, but always under an alias in fear that my classmates would enter my safe space.

They did. And not just then, but for many years. They played my videos in study halls, gossiped about it in the hallways. There were so many days when I just wanted to go home and delete everything.

But then I'd look at Christina. Confident Christina. Beautiful Christina. And above all, happy Christina.

And quitting never seemed like an option worth picking.

Just when YouTube started to become commercial, I took a break from it. The timing was just coincidental. A lot of my content had been reviews of the television series Gossip Girl and the show had just wrapped up. I had started sophomore year of high school and I was focusing on studies and sports. I fell out of touch with most of the YouTubers I watched, Christina included.

Then something amazing happened. I was watching The Voice one day and all of the sudden I saw a familiar face. It was Christina! I nearly jumped out of my seat. Many YouTube artists had gotten awesome deals and contracts. Christina had never been given the greatest opportunities. I didn't know a single soul who deserved it more than she did. She was finally getting a shot at a good record deal. I was so happy for her. I decided to reconnect with her and supported her through her Voice run as much as I could.

This year, Christina was touring with Selena Gomez. She was on her way towards releasing an album. Even though all of these big things were happening, was still zeldaxlove64 at heart. Her love for life, God, and music was so apparent. Her voice didn't just give me chills because it was good; it gave me chills because you could physically hear the passion dripping through it. She wanted her dream to come true so badly and she fought tooth and nail for it. I was so happy things were finally picking up for her.

At twenty-two, Christina Grimmie's life was taken from her. The most sickening part about it all is that she lost her life taking the time to greet her fans and sign things for them. That's just the kind of person she was. She would do anything for anyone and knew what she was doing was important to many people, not just herself. She knew her fans and loved her fans. They were a part of her journey.

Christina will never get to sell out Madison Square Garden like I know she would have. She won't even get to wake up to see another tomorrow. All because one person decided that her life wasn't worth it.

I'm not going to lie: a big part of me has gone with her. Even when I wasn't watching her up close, her spirit always lived inside of me. Now it feels like that energy has left me. I know God will return it to me someday soon, but for now I am really taking time to reflect on how precious life truly is and how I should move forward. As if it could get any harder, Orlando continued to be ravaged by gunmen after Christina's passing and now over fifty people have joined her in heaven. But I am determined, for all of these people, to move forward with my life in a purposeful and meaningful way. That's all we can do for them.

I could comment about the gun debate, and I'm sure by now you know where I stand, but this short essay is about Christina. I know many of my family and friends were not familiar with who she was or how I was connected to her, so I wanted to write this.

I don't want Christina to be just a name on the news. She was a person. A wonderful person. The best kind of person.

I don't think I'll ever stop missing her.

Rest in peace sweet angel.

Via Giphy