Ah, public transport. While it's great at getting you from point A to point B, there's just something about it which brings out the worst in people.
Luckily, some of our daily commutes have been avoided thanks to the wonders of working from home. In fact, I had nearly forgotten the "please eject me from this metal prison" feeling when you've been stuck on a packed train full of sweaty commuters.
That is until I stumbled upon this Reddit thread, where u/eleventhrealm had asked Melbournites to share the wildest scenes they've ever witnessed on public transport. The responses left me speechless, so of course I had to round them up for your reading pleasure (or displeasure, in this case). Here they are!
1. This bingo-esque checklist that made me shudder:
"Sex scenes? Seen plenty on both platforms and trains. Violence? Knife fights? Blunt weapons? Brawls? Check to all. Train surfers? Check. Attempted front of train? Check. Drug use? Check. Disgusting personal habits? Defecation? Urination? Vomit? Public masturbation? Check to all. Source: [I'm a] train driver."
—u/Moondanther
2. This "not today, Satan" story time:
"Some guy and his mates brought a whipper snipper onto the train and decided the train was deserted enough to try starting it. Someone who was in front of them then screamed 'WHAT THE FUCK?!' and moved towards the front of the train. No idea if it ever got going, I got off on the next stop and got on the next train. Not dealing with that."
3. This gobsmacking destruction of public property:
"Group of kids got on near the corner of Brunwick/Johnson Street with bricks and a fire extinguisher and completely wrecked the fucking shop. Pretty sure a few people got hurt too. I was working at a pub and they had to lock everyone in 'til the police tactical units turned up. It wasn't the craziest thing to happen on that corner, but the only one I remember involving a tram being destroyed."
—u/Boganvillia
4. This unforgettable tram experience:
"A roaringly drunk guy on the last 112 tram heading north along Brunswick Street/St George’s Road was sitting in the front seat, ranting at the driver. Things he said included 'Hurry up, my wife's having a baby' and five minutes later, 'Hurry up, I need to take a shit'.
Some time later, someone had apparently pointed out his inebriated state. So, he replied with a phrase I still remember verbatim: 'I'm not drunk, Greeks don’t get drunk. They eat olives, cheese and peanuts.'"
5. This morning commute from hell:
"On the 19 during the morning commute a charming soul sat himself on the floor, lit a stick of incense, then started blazing meth out of a lightbulb. He seemed unhinged, so no one said a word. People just stood there with their shirts covering their noses."
6. This nausea-inducing story:
"One morning, a guy who must've been extremely hungover or just very sick started to dry retch. He covered his mouth with his hands and started to spew into them, only for the lady next to him to open up her purse and allow him to finish spewing into it."
—u/MF_Ocean
7. This legitimately terrifying siutation:
"Two guys were beefing [on the 57] and ended up fighting 1v1. They were both running up and down the tram and one of the guys pulled a knife. While this was happening, all the passengers were screaming at the driver to do something and he just ended up ignoring the whole situation. The guy with the knife ended up running off after someone called the cops."
—u/BoGaN223
8. This example of commuters banding together to teach someone a lesson:
"The most memorable was the 78 from Victoria Street down Church Street where a group of people almost physically threw a woman off the tram for being loud, racist and yelling that people were filming her or stalking her. An old guy, about 65, just shouted at her to get out and not speak to people that way. The driver and passengers joined in 'til she stepped off. After that, the driver slammed the doors and took off."
—u/AusXan
9. This incredibly uncomfortable experience:
"Oh, the 57. That tram is scary at times. I've called the police more than once.
My partner caught a late train back from Frankston one night (yeah, he's a fool, I know). He was propositioned by a 'local'. He said no. The 'local' and his friend (also a 'local') then began performing sex acts on one another in front of my partner. My partner went to a different carriage at the next stop."
—u/carisegen
10. This horrifying encounter:
"This was in the mid '90s on the 59 tram. Young guy off his face, yelling and talking to himself. At one point, he drops his trousers and just starts urinating...A LOT. His back was facing me so all I saw was his ass. but I remember the woman he was facing had a horrified look on her face."
11. This not too surprising altercation:
"Watched a pack of mallrats pry open the train door while it was approaching the station. The rattiest of the mallrats then proceeded to jump out of the carriage as it was coming to a stop. He learned a lesson in physics and face-planted on to the concrete."
12. This bizarre and rude behaviour:
"I was on the train into the city with my missus sitting at the end of the carriage where there was plenty of room and another two couples sitting in the same area. We get to Windsor and about six loud kids get on aged between 12-16 and you could just tell they were little punks. Anyway, they were shouting and swearing, then one of them — who looked about 12 years old — walked up to one of the guys sitting there, looked him in the eye and just stomped on his foot.
I couldn't believe it and the guy just kind of brushed it off and didn't want any hassle."
13. This cumulation of bad experiences:
"These all happened on the Frankston line: A man clipping his toe nails standing up during peak hour (he was wearing a suit), two women getting naked and fighting, more drunken sex than I could count, a drug raid for people moving coke and a few stabbings."
14. This vomit-inducing tale:
"I was heading home with a mate just after peak hour. There was a bloke with long hair swaying back and forth as the tram took off from the stop just near Elizabeth Street towards Southern Cross.
As the tram took off, his face turned a deeper shade of green and he proceeded to throw up into his hands. A lot of it overflowed but he caught the majority of it and held on to it for the entire trip to the next stop. I've never seen a carriage in a tram move to the opposite ends so quickly in my life. At the next stop, he put the leftover vomit in a bin and carried on with his night."
—u/slicydicer
15. This story, which sounds like the plot of a horror movie:
"A guy covered in blood collapsing over me before the cops dragged him off."
16. This reminder about how hygienic public transport really is:
"I watched a woman, presumably an ice addict, pick dry, peeling skin off her face for about 40 minutes on a peak hour train. Just kept picking at it the whole way. She piled it up quite neatly on her knee (was wearing black jeans so it was very visible) and then when it was her stop she stood up and the considerable stack of skin went all over the floor. One of many reasons you should never sit on the train floor."
—u/melgow
17. Like really, make sure to sanitise your hands because you don't know what's been in there before:
"I'd say the various pissed guys urinating between carriages, then returning to the other carriage as if nothing has happened."
—u/DiverDiver1
18. This really, really gross experience, which no one should have to go through:
"A guy on the bus in the middle of the day started masturbating over his pants across from a friend and I when we were about 15. Like, a foot away and making gross noises and faces. Ugh."
19. This very scary incident:
"Last year I was on the Upfield line and the train was travelling between Brunswick and Jewell station. A fairly young guy, maybe 20 years old, stood up and forced the door open with his bare hands! The door started beeping like crazy, but he just stood there. I honestly thought the dude was about to jump out of the moving train! After about 20 seconds, he forced it closed. Then, he just sat down.
He didn't shout or abuse anyone or cause a scene, but my eyes were bulging out of my skull at this point. No one, including me, said anything or did anything the whole time."
20. This response featuring a Jack Sparrow doppelgänger:
"Some guy who looked like Jack Sparrow [from Pirates Of The Caribbean] just stripped down to his underwear, lit up a cigarette and started drawing all over the walls of the train with a Texta. This was on a packed, peak hour VLine, so people started freaking out and hitting the emergency button because if you weren't close enough to see the guy, all you could make out was the cloud of unexplained smoke."
21. This impromptu fringe festival demonstration:
"The most disgusting thing I have seen is when I got on a busy, but not packed train and I noticed that everyone was at one end of the carriage leaving the other half pretty much empty. I soon realised that the other packed half of the train was watching the empty side of the train like a weird fringe festival show to see all the new passenger's eyes light up at the prospect of having heaps of personal space, turn to abject horror and disgust when they walked over to the bank of six seats to find the biggest human turd ever imaginable. Most would turn pale, gag and silently move to the other side of the carriage to watch the next lot of poor fools do the same thing."
—u/Tojo1976
22. This story that would only happen in Australia:
"Saw a guy eat a Woolies roast chicken straight from the bag on a tram. Grease everywhere."
—u/PaleHorse82
23. And lastly, this triumphant win that would have any Australian cheering (because we want to end on something nice):
"Ticket inspectors pulled a kid off at the top of Ruckers Hill on the 86. He proceeded to leg it down the hill toward Westgarth, right alongside the tram.
He gets back on at the next stop, doors close, the inspectors miss the tram and the entire carriage breaks into uproarious cheering as the breathless teenager kneels over on the floor trying to stifle laughter and not throw up."
—u/Boganvillia