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51 Things That Would've Been Different If "Harry Potter" Were Set In The Philippines

"Isa kang mahikero, Harry."

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1. The Hogwarts Express wouldn't come on time and when it does, it would be so full of passengers the trolley won't be able to roam around.

2. And if—in an event of a miracle—the trolley does come around, it would sell adobong mani, Piattos, and magical V-Cut instead of Chocolate Frogs.

3. And instead of, "Anything from the trolley?" the vendor would yell, "Aaaahh mani, kasuy, mani, kasuuyyyy, mainit bagong luto!"

4. The Floo Network would be a huge flop because who the hell has a chimney in this country?!

5. And Harry wouldn't get Cedric's tip to "take a bath" because he takes a bath with a tabo, not in a freaking bath tub.

6. Also, Fred and George wouldn't be able to catch Harry sneaking to Hogsmeade because there's no fucking snow.

7. Rita Skeeter would write for Bulgar and Tiktik.

8. Vicky Belo would offer to fix Voldemort's nose. Or, I guess, give him one?

9. And Voldemort will run for presidency because that's what criminals do in the Philippines.

10. Students may choose between walis ting-ting and walis tambo for their broom. Or rather, the broom chooses the wizard.

11. And Professor McGonagall would give Harry the Tambo 2000, fresh from Baguio.

12. Aunt Petunia dances zumba every weekend and asks Harry if he has a girlfriend yet, even if she doesn't care. 'Cause that's just what titas do.

13. Professor Trelawney is a native of Quiapo.

14. This is also where Polyjuice and other potions sell like hotcakes.

15. And Divisoria would be the new Diagon Alley.

16. Moms would send Howlers and the Howlers would yell, "Isa! Dalawa! Tatlo!"

17. And Howlers would come in the shape of tsinelas.

18. There are special elves in the Hogwarts kitchen who specialize in cooking rice.

19. Harry's disciplinary hearing would take forever to get to court.

20. Ernie Baron is one of Hogwarts' resident ghosts. He was a former potions professor.

21. He'd also be the one to advise Dumbledore about the weather so the Great Hall ceiling would be accurate.

22. Hermione would be smart-shamed constantly and would get tired of hearing, "Eh di ikaw na!"

23. The Weasleys would apply for the Pantawid Pamilya Pilipino Program.

24. Mr. Weasley's flying car would be a jeepney.

25. Rodrigo Duterte would fight for the position as the new Defense Against The Dark Arts teacher.

26. Instead of The Tales of Beedle The Bard, Dumbledore will leave a copy of Biag Ni Lam-Ang for Hermione.

27. Harry would have at least 20 more godparents in addition to Sirius Black.

28. And he would have to apologize to Sirius for not making "mano po" that time when he didn't know he was his godfather.

29. The Order of the Phoenix would need at least eight hours every meeting—two hours of which are solely dedicated to saying goodbyes.

30. Christmas decorations in the castle would be put up as early as September 1, right at the start of term.

31. Harry would ask Tom Riddle's diary, "Kumain ka na?"

32. Hedwig's name would probably be "Puti."

33. And Scabbers would be called "Mabait."

34. Instead of chocolate, Lupin would offer Harry Skyflakes after that first encounter with a Dementor.

35. Hogwarts infirmary would reek of Vicks VapoRub.

36. Mrs. Weasley would exclaim, "Binata/dalaga ka na!" to Harry and Hermione every time they visit the Burrow.

37. Somewhere in the Chamber of Secrets lies a recipe for lumpia and how to properly roll it.

38. Everyone's boggart would be a Danish cookie can and/or an ice cream tub.

39. One of the memories Ron would use when casting a Patronus would be the time he got his first taste of lechon skin.

40. The students would gather all the melted wax from the floating candles in the Great Hall and turn them into balls of wax to sell.

41. Fleur and Bill's wedding would definitely have videoke.

42. And Mrs. Weasley and her amigas will sing "It's Raining Men".

43. After the Battle of Hogwarts, Harry and the rest of the Order will have a celebration with San Miguel Pale Pilsen and Nagini as pulutan.

44. Mrs. Weasley would scream, "Wag ang anak ko, puta ka!" to Bellatrix Lestrange.

45. Sirius' Animagus form would be an Askal/Aspin

46. Azkaban would be in Muntinlupa.

47. Barrel Men would be assigned as a Portkey and Neville would always be the one to hold the shlong. "Why is it always me?"

48. On Harry and Ginny's wedding, somebody—probably Cho Chang—would reveal that the couple are actually siblings.

49. And a whole new book would be published to dwell on this ~rumor~.

50. The ending of the eighth book would reveal that, no, they're not actually siblings and they successfully marry this time.

51. And in the epilogue, 19 years later: Instead of 'James Sirius,' Harry will name his eldest 'Harry James Potter Jr.' and will lovingly call him 'Jun-Jun.'

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