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Updated on Aug 18, 2020. Posted on Nov 12, 2014

13 Jokes Only Scottish People Will Laugh At

Did you hear about the lonely prisoner? He was in his cell. H/t ScotlandNow and Bruce Lawson.

1. A man goes into a shop to return a pair of shoes, complaining that there's a lace missing...

2. What did the Glaswegian pair of conjoined twins call their autobiography?

3. A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist for a check up and he asks her to take a seat.

4. If there are ten cows in a field, which one is closest to Saudi Arabia?

5. A lassie phones her dad after a night in the pub and says: "Can you come and pick me up? I've missed the last bus and it's pouring with rain."

Flickr: 51018933@N08 / Creative Commons

6. After a couple announced their engagement, the groom-to-be tells his pal he will, obviously, be wearing a kilt to his wedding.

7. How can you tell the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney?

8. A short-sighted Scotsman goes into a bakery, points to the counter and asks, "Is that a doughnut, or a meringue?"

9. Why did the chocolate bar melt?

10. What's the first question at a ned quiz night?

11. A Scotsman in London on business is having trouble phoning home from a telephone box.

12. What's the name for a Scotsman with one foot inside his house and one foot outside?

13. There are two cows in a field, but how do you tell which one is on holiday?

Thanks to ScotlandNow and Bruce Lawson for the jokes.

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