1. "I love to laugh/have a good time/[insert any other universally enjoyable experience]"
Personally, I hate laughing. And having a good time. That shit is the absolute worst. BUT, the rest of the entire world--like, every single person in it--kind of really loves those things a lot. Let's put an end to these statements.
2. "OMG. Totes! Obvi. ;-) Lolz"
Those aren't words, and they make you look like a 12-year-old Belieber. Stop it. You're better than that.
3. Every favorite book listed is assigned reading for everyone in high school
LIAR! You don't like reading, but you want to seem smart. A worthy suitor will be able to see through this. But, if you insist on portraying yourself to be this way, at least take 2 minutes to Google titles other than Catcher in the Rye and the Grapes of Wrath.
4. A laundry list of unrealistic qualities you need in a significant other
In the unlikely event that the person with every single quality you listed stumbles across your profile, you'll seem uber high maintenance, and kind of scary.
5. Every picture is of you and your best friend
Why don't you realize that this means no one knows which one you are?
6. "it's really hard to summarize myself in one paragraph"
Yup. It is for us all. Moving on.
7. Pictures of yourself taken from your bathroom
We all have our best angles, and the bathroom lighting can be very friendly to our flaws, however:
1.) you're in the bathroom. Gross.
2.) you don't look like that.
8. Duck lips
How is this still a thing.
9. The Marilyn Monroe Quote: "If you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
Translation: You crazy