1.You can't enjoy Halloween or Thanksgiving, because you're too depressed that National Kale Day (the first Wednesday of October) is over.
2.You make kale chips not because you want them, but because you can't stop worrying that the kale is cold in the fridge.
3.You find yourself rearranging bunches of kale in the produce section to make sure they're putting their best leaf forward. Be your sexy self, kale!
4.You find yourself sabotaging the spinach display in the produce section because SCREW YOU SPINACH YOU'RE NOT KALE.
5.When your friend suggests that you can substitute bok choy or swiss chard in a recipe calling for kale, you react like this...
6.When you see a lettuce-based salad at a potluck, you're all like...
7.You mitigate the pain you feel about putting your kale in the Vitamix by reasoning that juicing releases the kale's soul, which then combines with your soul as you drink it!
8.You feel pain about putting your kale in the Vitamix.
9.After a health mag convinces you to try mustard greens, you return home wracked with guilt, and can't bring yourself to look at kale until your body has rid itself of the evidence.
10.When you're presented with a "medley" of mixed greens, you're quick to make it clear that you're NOT into the whole polyamory "free love" thing. Some of us have morals, thank you.
11.When you see this...
...you're all like:
12.You wanna be this guy.
13.Sometimes (only sometimes! Like, a couple times max) you wish that the "benefits" of kale meant a little more than vitamin K and calcium.
14.Sometimes, you massage kale that you're not even planning on eating. It just looked stressed!
15.You feel a little left out because all the kale leaves are in one bunch and you're not included. It's cool, though. It's not a big deal. Whatever.
16.When you see someone crushing their kale into a too-small produce bag at the store, you're like...
17.You panic at work and call your roommate to check if the kale in the fridge is still good. Then you don't believe her when she says it is, and run home to eat it for lunch so it doesn't go to waste.
18.You have recurring nightmares of arriving at the grocery store just as someone takes the last bunch of kale.
19.You only date people with short, curly, coarse-textured hair, because if you close your eyes, you can almost imagine...