Yay cats! Boooo pregnancy!
You've read the books. And then reread them. You had nine months so you probably read it weekly. You know exactly how far along you are—week and day, perhaps even the hour. You are happy and excited. Then comes week 6 and you are dry heaving so bad and so often that you are popping blood vessels all over your face and even in your eye. You start to look like terminator before it's even socially acceptable to tell others that you're expecting. You didn't mind choking down the ogre sized vitamin that turns your crap grass green until it caused you to vomit and splash toilet water directly into your already red and irritated eyes. I mean, they can make birth control pills small enough that you are never sure whether you swallowed it or if it accidentally backwashed into your cup (which is probably the reason you are reading this article in the first place) but prenatal vitamins HAVE to be the size of small boulders?
We all have that one friend that claims that they miss being pregnant; that pregnancy was the most miraculous and beautiful 9 months of their picture-perfect life. These are all lies. Women are sick and twisted creatures and if one of us goes through the destruction of our mental and physical bodies then, hell, we are taking the rest of you down with us.
Here are 11 truths you can expect anticipate fearfully await once you see that 5th positive pregnancy test.
1. Keep your toilet immaculate because you will either be puking into it, i.e. begging for your sphincter to stop the projectile flow, or hovering over it gagging and dry heaving so violently that you will beg to finally throw up and get it over with.
2. There will be constipation. Say it with me. There-will-be-constipation. And it will feel like birthing a tiny human out of your anus. Or, if you're lucky, diarrhea that will require you to shower afterwards. NOTE: If you suffer the latter, beware of sharts.
3. Stretch marks ranging from light pink to deep purple and expect them anywhere and everywhere... They will itch, they will burn, and they do not resemble a tiger or its stripes.
4. Zits that will make you feel like you belong on 16 and Pregnant. As if you weren't already ballooning to double your size and have vomit spots on your shirt, you can count on major league acne to really boost your self-confidence.
5. Swelling (not to be confused with weight gain). This could range from simple finger swelling that requires you to remove your jewelry to feet so grotesquely rotund that you find yourself googling "Elephantitis in pregnancy," while trying to slip on your flip flops (The only footwear that still fits).
6. Sleep loss. From the start of your blissful pregnancy you will lose sleep. You will be narcoleptic and fall asleep while sitting, standing, at a red light, but you will be unable to get a good night's rest from about the time your nausea settles in around two weeks.
7. You become stupid. You can't remember words. You find yourself misspeaking and fumbling words and finally choosing silence over looking like a buffoon. Don't play taboo. Or scrabble. Or anything that requires letters or numbers that have to be in a specific sequence.
8. You will be a sensitive, crying, snotty mess 85% of the time. Good luck wrangling those hormones. Your tender titties and nausea will only gracefully accent your endless bouts of sobbing when the drive thru forgets your extra milkshake. [Go to number 9 ASAP]
9. You will become fat. Don't eat for two. Put down the cake. Put down that costco-size bag of cheetos. No one will dare mention your uncanny resemblance to an aggregation of manatees. Lock your fridge…eat the key.
10. Your due date will likely arrive and pass you by as your ginormous belly continues to grow and your cervix remains tightly shut. You will find yourself trying every cockamamie "home remedy" on how to go into labor, only to regret it once that first real contraction hits in the middle of the night.
11. Your water breaking is NOT a Hollywood experience at all. First of all, many women have to wait until well into their labor when their doctor breaks their water with what looks like an ogres crochet hook (brace yourselves). Secondly, the gush of "water" is actually an onslaught of gray, murky fluid that your baby has been urinating, potentially pooing into, and sloughing off dead skin into for nearly ten months. It stank, it ain't pretty, and it sure as hell isn't Aquafina.
If you are the magical unicorn that experiences few or none of these, I hope you have babies until your luck runs out and you are pulling over on the side of the road to spew chunks at motorists passing by. All others- I recommend dragging your partner along for the ride as he will need preparation for what's about to come. When you pee, he holds your hand. When you puke, he gets you water. When you roll over, he helps.
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