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The Inescapable Agony Of Watching Fake-Ass Bollywood Guitar-Playing As A Guitarist

Share if you know what it's like to feel your fingers bleed at guitar class, and then feel your eyes bleed when you watch Bollywood actors do this FUCKING WHATEVER THE FUCK IT IS.

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So here's a thing: I love Bollywood. I love the films, the music, everything. Even with its very problematic bits, I have embraced Bollywood. But there are some things that just don't let me forgive this industry...

Excel Entertainment

The sheer injustice of Bollywood actors NOT EVEN TRYING to look like they're playing a musical instrument.

Yash Raj Films

You know damn well you have no idea WTF you're doing with that mandolin, Shah Rukh.

This behaviour is not limited to guitars, but guitars are heavily affected by it. Look, you're not even trying to hold a chord, Zeenat, what the fuck.

But you know what? I'll forgive you because this was several decades ago. However, I will NOT FORGIVE the modern-day abuse of unplugged electric guitars, Hrithik.

Filmkraft Productions (I) Pvt. Ltd. / Via Twitter: @sheikhimaan

I love "Ek Pal Ka Jeena" until Hrithik comes in with that fake-ass solo on an UNPLUGGED electric guitar. SHAMELESS.

Excuse me, Rani? Where is your guitar cable? This can't possibly be a cordless electric, it's frikkin Kuch Kuch Hota Hai.

Dharma / Via Twitter: @sheikhimaan

Bhai doesn't need any cables either. "Oh oh, jaane jaana. Play a real chord? DON'T WANNA."

Gumeet & Sohail Productions / Via Twitter: @sheikhimaan

What you see: Ooh hunk, red Strat, very beautiful. What you hear: *bum note* *bum note* *bum note* *bum note* *bum note* BECAUSE THIS SHIT IS NOT PLUGGED.

Even actors who consider themselves "perfectionists" somehow fail to notice the absence of a guitar cable or ANY REAL FUCKING STRUMMING IN GENERAL.

Nasir Hussain Films / Via Twitter: @sheikhimaan

ABBE CABLE TOH CONNECT KAR, KAUNSA SOLO MAAR RAHA HAI, YNGWIE MALMSTEEN.

Filmkraft Productions (I) Pvt. Ltd. / Via Twitter: @sheikhimaan

And this industry-wide assault of musicians isn't restricted to guitars, no.

Shah Rukh, you cannot simply wink and pretend you didn’t just make that sax go, “pffffffffpfpfpfpfpfpfprrrrrfpppnope”.

YRF

Honestly, this is less "I'm playing a violin," and more "we're going to need a new pizza cutter, fam". Get it together, Shah Rukh.

YRF

Looks like Imran is trying to say, "Bassline ki toh lag gayi cuz hey I ain't playin' that shit LOL". Now that's good acting.

Aamir Khan Productions

You can hear the electric guitar, and although Katrina's holding the only electric on stage, all she wants to do is tell everyone, "I'M A HUMAN WHIRLWIND".

YRF

STOP PRETENDING YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOUR FINGERS ARE DOING, RISHI, AT LEAST HOLD AN E MINOR, IT'S V V EASY.

Mukta Arts

Uday. Do me a favour. Just leave the cordless guitar right there, keep strutting down the stairs like you do so well, and never come back. Thanks.

Yash Raj Films Pvt. Ltd / Via Twitter: @sheikhimaan

Meanwhile, me trying to stay calm through this bullshit.