Hum Saath Saath Hain opens with the morning of the 25th Wedding Anniversary of hippie parents Ramkishen (Alok Nath) and his wife Mamta (Reema Lagoo).
What good is a wedding anniversary morning that doesn't begin with some celebratory blazin' 420 with the kids?
In pot we trust.
The lad in red is Vivek (Mohnish Behl), the oldest kid, who is a stepson to Mamta. His biological mother (Ramkishen's first wife) passed away when he was a baby. This guy is unnaturally shy in his own home.
Vivek is disabled in one arm due to a 'childhood accident' which could very well be fapping for extensive periods of time.
The lad in white is Vinod (Saif Ali Khan), the youngest son and a complete annoyance.
So anyway, the party has only begun. Guests start flowing in. First arrive Mamta's lawyer bro and his wife. I don't even know this dude's name, they just call him Vakil (lawyer) or Bhaiyya, and his wife Bhabhi.
Then for a nice splash of diversity, come the Muslims - Khan Sahab and Miss Rehana. These guys work under Ramkishen at the office.
These guests are also quite...intrusive.
Aaaand more guests start rolling in. Ramkishen's only daughter Sangeeta and her husband Anand.
And the three asshole kids are not even theirs. Only the little girl is a grandchild to this family. The other two are Anand Babu's brother's kids (who brings their bro's kids to their parents-in-law's wedding anniversary?)
Way to destroy a romantic 25th Wedding Anniversary for your parents, Sangeeta.
At this point the stereotypical Muslim to normal Muslim ratio is a bit off so let's bring in a more permanent character in the film - Anwar Bhaijaan. He's that jolly Muslim guy who doesn't rock a beard or a topi, but he talks in proper Urdu and his tehzeeb game is ridiculous. #StraightOuttaMughleAzam
He calls Mamta "Ammi Jaan" and dude is like 48 years old, give or take. His face is very...guy-who-dies-saving-the-main-characters.
Have I told you yet? Mamta and Ramkishen are the snarkiest mofos ever. They beat drag queens at being sarcastic and sassy. They can be downright assholes sometimes though.
Gifts are the best. Even Anand Babu brought one! But I don't think Ramkishen was feelin' it.
Oh, and you read right - "phunction". Bhabhi has trouble pronouncing English words correctly and therefore no one takes her seriously. They don't laugh with her but at her. Poor woman could be talking about a medical science breakthrough and the response would still be LOLOLOL.
Anyway, you might want to grab a notebook and write down these people's name because the characters in this film exceed the entire cast of Game of Thrones.
This is some dude called Doctor Uncle. I honestly have no idea what this guy's name is. To you, he's Doctor Uncle. For further info, ask your Housewife Mummy and Businessman Daddy about Doctor Uncle.
Doctor uncle is working on Vivek's arm, which is disabled.
His student (and fat uncle ji's daughter) is Preeti (Sonali Bendre). She's constantly being emotionally manipulated by this horrible family into accepting that she will one day marry their son Prem. And these bastards act like she wants to get married to him.
For the party, Prem arrives from Britain, where he's doing his Master's. He dresses like a pimp and has that rap fever going on. Fucking foreign desi student phases, I swear.
Seeing this as a great chance to save herself, Preeti tells him she can't get married.
Oh, and it's not like Vinod's single either. He's got Sapna, the daughter of Dharamraj who is Ramkishen's friend from his village (what the fuck is going on, please write everything down, no one should be able to remember these characters' names.)
While there are other fat, poor, annoying guests coming in, there are also bitch aunties showing up. They're Mamta's BFFs (also evidence that Mamta may be a bitch aunty herself).
Bhabhi ji hates them and they troll her all day erryday.
Bitch aunties mean trouble. You can just tell by their make-up. You know, because your eyeshadow determines how evil you are, everyone knows that.
Bollywood rule #892: Eyeshadow = Satan.
A few hours before the party, Ramkishen and the family have a discussion on Vivek's marriage because according to desi standards, you start running out of time once you hit 18.
These guys are horrible and have assumed that Vivek's bad arm is the reason he can't find a girl. What if (just what if) he's gay and doesn't want to get married to woman? Or that he wants to chill till he's 37?
What if he has other flaws like passive aggressiveness? What about his coke problem? Maybe he just has a terrible personality, who knows? There could be several reasons no one wants to tie the knot with him and I refuse to believe it's the arm. Oh well.
God has other plans. The party is about to start. Ramkishen's work friend shows up with his expat daughter, whom he hopes to trade like a Pokemon.
Sadhna has been brought up abroad which doesn't show at all. She hasn't the slightest accent or anything. The only selling point here is sanskaar. It's just really hard to believe this shady father-daughter duo.
At the wedding anniversary party, Ramkishen and Mamta say super cute adorably romantic things for each other, awwwn. <3
Sadhna and Vivek 'click' without talking to each other. That's the sanskaari way to do it. We all know talking to boys will get you pregz. Remember, always say things through your eyes and never through your mouth, especially if you're a woman.
Apparently being disabled in one arm means you have no right to choose/reject a partner, so the parents don't ask Vivek - they just congratulate him.
Vivek and Sadhna get married, only to be followed by a theatrical performance to "welcome the bride". This song... I don't think I can critique it, I'll just plug it. It makes fun of itself.
I highly recommend watching this. It will make you feel ten times better about your family.
High Fam Musical 5
Vakil Bhaiyya and Bhabi prepared an entire dance performance for this song. Why the fuck are they so interested? Like, they went to the extent of fucking narrating this performance. And it's not just a shitty "oh welcome home" thing. You can tell these guys rehearsed for months. They invested thousands of rupees in the costumes and changing sets on the stage. Commendable, but was it really worth it?
Anwar Bhaijaan became so Muslim during the wedding, he started playing a halal tambourine with "Anwar" written on it in Urdu while wearing a Lakhnavi topi.
These people are obviously terrible because after they see Prem and Preeti's romantic representation by Vinod and Sapna in the play, they decide that very night that Preeti and Prem will get engaged the next day.
What the fuck kind of planning is this? I know you have money and can afford a big event, but is no one going to ask the two whether they even want a serious relationship? You know who 'broke the news' to them? Fucking Anwar Bhai.
FFS, Prem just returned from London. Preeti has so far chatted to Prem as much as I've chatted with President Obama. If there is anything Prem is sexually attracted to, it's this one red book he's always pretending to read to look smart, not Preeti.
This bitch bhaabi literally said they didn't have to ask Preeti because "A girl's feelings come out through her eyes" and that is the sole basis of this huge life decision -- Preeti's eye boogers.
You know this family is absolutely mental when it has only been 1 hour since Prem and Preeti's engagement, and only two days since Vivek and Sadhna's wedding, but they drag them to a dark room to show them some childhood home videos. Like, Preeti is still in bridal wear.
These girls are regretting every decision they have made in the past week.
Vinod and Sapna still call each other "aap". How do you grow up together, fight, chase after each other and still remain so formal with each other, especially if you're the same age? Beyond me.
The night before leaving for Rampur, Sapna finally bucks up the courage to ask Vinod if he's serious about her.
Dude actually said he doesn't know what she's talking about. Girl should've left but no, she decided to give him a chance and asked him to tell her 'clearly' the next morning.
In the morning, Vinod woke up late (at 8:00am, which is considered hella late in this house for some reason). However, he still managed to say goodbye to her. But the lads of this family are not known givers of fucks, so he obviously didn't give her an answer.
Perhaps Vinod's incest remark feels a bit out of place right now, but later that night, Vivek begins to insist that the entire goddamn family will go on his and Sadhna's honeymoon, which is just WTFMAXLOL. #LannisterVibes
How do you take your family on your first sexual adventure? He didn't even bother asking Sadhna, because I guess her 'eyes' must have said yes.
Women in this movie don't say yes or no. They just bat their lashes in morse code.
BTW everyone got to go except Anwar Bhai.
Seriously how many fucking people are there in this movie; I'm running out of screenshot-space to fit captions.
The journey to Rampur is like school life - educational but fucking sucks.
These grown ass adults, who we all know are pretending to be under thirty-years-old, sang the entire alphabet in a song which cannot be described in words, really.
Vinod has so far had 3 realistic hallucinations featuring Sapna, which tells us he's the most hardcore druggie in this house after the parents.
Prem, who usually pretends to be shy and only talks in basic rap, has transformed into his actual rickshawallah self.
Lest we forget, those two little boys are NOT related to these guys. Their mother just happens to not give a shit. Also Anwar Bhaijaan comes, despite strictly being told to stay the fuck out. He manages to make it about himself too.
By the 65th song, you just know that these guys are finding the lamest and randomest excuses to dance and sing.
Prem and Preeti are trying to kind of make out but are constantly being cockblocked.
By the third day in Rampur, like 70 songs have already happened.
Even Sapna, who hasn't received positive response from Vinod, manages to perform an entire song to let the fam know they're fuckin'. #ThirstyGirlTips
The sales pitch is hella strong because this song is has religious undertones = surefire parent-impresser. It results in Sapna's engagement with Vinod.
Let me specify that not a single character has been left back home. Everyone, including Sadhna's dad (wtf), is in Rampur.
I am once again faced with the question that every Sooraj Barjatya movie brings to my mind. Why the fuck is no one worried about making money? No one looks like they go to work. Like, I understand Ramkishen's fam is hella rich with their industries and shit, but what about Preeti's dad, the overweight jolly uncle? What about Anwar Bhai?
Anyway, FIIINALLY, Sangeeta and her husband leave, along with the three demonic children then brought with themselves.
Soon Vakil Bhaiyya and Bhabi leave for London, as does Prem for his master's.
It has been hours and everything is still hunky-dory. Does this film have no climax at all? If yes, then it better be hella powerful because I think my blood sugar level has gone up dangerously from how sweet everything is.
Now that all three of his boys are engaged, Ramkishen announces that he'll make Vivek the managing director of his company. This threatens Sapna's dad, who only traded in his daughter for moneys.
Sidenote: How the fuck is Sapna so gorgeous and her dad so ugly? We need to take this to Maury.
So later, even the bitch aunties return to emotionally manipulate Mamta against Ramkishen's decision.
Mamta is initially too goddamn stoned to understand them, having returned from Rampur and enjoying the powdery white pleasures of the big city again. But then, Sangeeta and Anand get kicked out of Anand's bro's house. Yes, the man who left his two young boys with this crazy family, even letting them go on road trips without close supervision.
This is when the panic kicks in. Bitch aunties are back in full force.
Mamta goes from being Catelyn Tully to Cersei Lannister -- totes bitchola.
When Vivek finds out, he decides to leave home with his wife and move to Rampur. He says Prem should get all the wealth. He isn't angry or anything. You know how these passive aggressive types are. I bet deep down he wants to burn all that money and have Mamta inhale the fumes till she dies.
Vinod is also pissed and leaves with them. Prem returns from London, but he goes to Rampur first to meet Vivek, where he finds out Sadhna's preggers. He's hella angry about this bitch decision by mom.
Mamta's beginning to regret her decision.
Bollywood Rule #892: Dark eyeshadow = Satan.
Prem realises that he and Preeti would have to replace Vivek and Sadhna in the house if they got married. Responsibility is a total bitch so he tries to bail out.
Meanwhile Anand's brother (the one with the asshole kids) is having a hard time at home, owing to the absence of Anand and his family. The asshole boys are both sick (probably drug withdrawal).
However, sick children don't really matter. The maximum loss is that they'll die, which won't be much, seeing as this family does not give two shits about their kids.
But when shit starts to hit the fan at the office...
Anand and Sangeeta's family reunites with his brother's family (does anyone really want this? Like, is your privacy not important to you?)
Mamta remains unable to give a fuck until Ramkishen breaks the news to her.
OMG BABIES ARE THE CHILLEST CAT ALTERNATIVES.
So since everything is perfectly timed in Bollywood, Mamta and Ramkishen arrive on the exact day and time of the baby's birth.
Since the family has reunited and it's such a happy day, let's make all possible marriages happen!
The Muslim wedding was a cliche waiting to happen.
But you know what? Three weddings are not enough happiness so let's throw in some magic and make Vivek's arm functional again too! KHUSHIGASM!
And just like that, the balance of the universe has been restored.