"Devdas" is an eye-opening documentary about a woman called Paro – who is suffering from severe delusion and Stockholm syndrome – and her boyfriend Devdas, an unsalvageable misogynist with anger management issues and an alcohol problem. Over the years, millions of viewers have mistaken "Devdas" for a tragic Bollywood period piece about love and love lost, but here it is: retold in all of its genuinely fucked up glory.
It all starts when the youngest son of the dramatic, rich-as-heck Mukherjee family decides to come back home from London.
Oh, did I tell you? That second woman in the frame above, Sumitra, is a neighbour at best. For reals, not even related but can't stfu. Some people will do anything to pin their daughter on the London desi douchebag.
Sumitra's daughter Paro is Dev's childhood ~friend~ (riiight) who casually has a fucking shrine for him and her life revolves around Dev. She's obsessed and admittedly worships him. The day Dev left for London, she lit up a diya (oil lamp) and hasn't let it be put out.
Upon hearing Devdas is there, Paro immediately breaks into song and dance because what did you expect? A rational reaction?
The whole thing is pretty creepy and there is no Skype. Hell, there is no internet. This is the early 20th century. Devdas could have found out he's gay or something. Or he could be in a relationship with someone. SO many possibilities, but no considerations from Paro.
Anyway, so everyone is preparing for Dev's return and the day finally arrives.
You can tell Devdas is a shit son when he goes to see a girl he's questionably in a relationship with BEFORE he goes to see his ma.
Paro should have kicked Dev in the sperm-spheres when he conveniently blew into her frikkin' nose while she was asleep, WHO TF DOES THAT?
After they meet (while she's awake) you can't help but notice what a condescending dickhead Devdas has turned into. Snooty little shit can't stop talking about how great London is compared to Calcutta.
He talks down to Paro -- even calls her gawaar followed by "You are sohhh silly." And she still puts up with his shit.
COME ON, HE'S MAKING YOU LOOK DUMB AND WORTHLESS, DON'T LET THIS CREEPY MISOGYNIST WIN, PARO, YOU STOCKHOLM SYNDROME HAVING BLUE-EYED TADPOLE.
Paro's parents are hopeful that Dev will marry her. Dev tells his grandmother that he'll marry Paro too. But there are people who wouldn't let this happen.
Dev's mom is still bitter from Paro involuntarily stealing her thunder since Dev's return. Her envy is fuelled by Kumud, who is the family's only daughter-in-law and a full-time bitchola.
All this while, Paro and Dev are just cracking into a fucking musical every chance they get. Like, I don't know, balcony, the river, the hallway -- ANYWHERE they meet, they want to sing. Especially Paro. Her separation issues are pretty serious and I think she could've used medication for her delusions.
Seriously who the fuck does acrobatics like this on the regular?
So Dev's mom invites Paro's mom to her daughter-in-law's baby shower.
(I don't think I've ever written a more rishta-ful sentence than the above.)
She says she wants to talk about Paro and Dev's marriage, but she's up to no good.
When Sumitra (Paro's ma) is done dancing and celebrating, Dev's ma BETCH-SLAPS HER IN THE UNIVERSE.
Sumitra is humiliated by Kaushalya, and swears that she'll wed her daughter off into an even richer family in eight days.
Now, of course, Paro doesn't have to comply to that but DOES NO ONE IN THIS FUCKING MOVIE HAVE A SOFT SPOT FOR THEIR PARENTS? Your mom just got humiliated to death by a horrible aunty ji, and you aren't even mad?!
If "Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge" was about respecting parents, "Devdas" is the opposite.
Paro breaks into Dev's room at 3 am, winning the Best Stalker match between Dev and her.
OMFG, UNLESS YOU'RE AN ANKLE SOCK THERE IS NO NEED TO SEEK SPACE IN DEV'S FEET, PARO, YOU MENINIST BUTTHOLE.
Of course, Dev's hater dad sees all of this and all hell breaks loose.
Dev leaves home, and without Paro. He writes Paro a letter telling her to forget him, and goes to stay at his friend Chunni Lal's house. Chunni Lal, by the way, is the BIGGEST YOLO-er you've ever seen HE'S THE BEST, GUYS.
You'll find out later why Chunni Lal is the awesomest ever, despite some strange ABC lessons he gives every now and then.
He takes Dev to a brothel so he can watch a few dance performances by the beautiful Chandramukhi, and feel better. But the self-righteous twat that Dev is, he insults everyone there and leaves.
Chandramukhi ain't nothin' to fuck wit.
Dev heads back to Paro's house, but she's getting ready for her wedding. She doesn't want to see him anymore because even someone like Paro can be done with your shit.
What does Dev do? He gives her even more reassurance that he was a shit person, unworthy of her time and devotion, by smacking her casually in the fucking head with a heavy metal necklace and making her bleed kind of a lot.
Today in Dev's lessons: How to be a piece of shit.
Paro finally does not give a fuck and is married off, while Dev proceeds to worry his family and make up for the ten years of trouble that he was away for, in a few days.
Dev heads back to the brothel, where there is pizza, weed, women, and wine. He is accepted there.
Seriously all he does is break shit. Here's a candid photo of Dangerous Dev wreaking havoc at Chandramukhi's crib.
While he's spending the rest of his time there being a total tease to Chandramukhi, who has the biggest boner in history for Devdas, Paro is just learning that the whole marriage-with-an-aristocrat deal was probably a shit idea.
Meanwhile, Dev is devastated and wandering the streets of Calcutta drunk AF. Now I understand that this is traditional clothing and that it's the 1900s but I have some advice for this guy.
STOP GREETING EVERYTHING WITH YOUR JUNK ON DISPLAY.
The families ask Paro to convince Devdas to give up alcohol, which is only the worst idea in the known universe because he started drinking because of Paro.
Dev's dad dies and he's just as shit at consolation as the rest of us are at funerals.
Paro is panicking and finding more ways to help Dev after finding out that he now has hoes in different area codes, literally.
So Paro has to head to Chandramukhi's brothel to get Dev, and stop him from drinking. But Dev isn't there.
EXCEPPPTTT, she also wants Chandramukhi to perform a free dance at the Durga Pooja at her house. Way to be a freeloader, Paro. Aristocrat's wife, my ass, you cheap AF.
Chandramukhi goes to Paro's where they hope to dance their butts off and then bond, talking about mutual interests like heavy jewelry, make-up and their Tumblr fan accounts dedicated to Shah Rukh Khan.
Paro's in-laws find out that this "friend" of Paro's is a prostitute. They confront and forbid Paro from getting out of the house, like, ever. They also humiliate Chandramukhi because everyone sucks as a person in this family.
Meanwhile, Chandramukhi finds Dev, who is only trying to stay TF away from all these women but they won't leave him alone.
Devdas is diagnosed with a fatal stomach disease from gobbling down pizzas every time he has the munchies. The doctor tells Dev that he wouldn't make it if he eats another slice of pizza.
He has very few days to live, so he tries to live his live to the fullest and this involves finally getting laid with Chandramukhi, and travelling, among other simple pleasures.
But asshole friend Chunni Babu arrives with pizza.
Of course, Dev takes it. It would be unrealistic to resist pizza.
He gets sick as hell -- coughing up blood and shitting in projectile etc.
It is then that he realises there is one thing he still needs to do... Some unfinished business that he has to settle.
Proof that ex-boyfriends are the worst.
He ends up at Paro's doorstep, who is not allowed to step out of the house. Fate is unkind.
And so before embracing death, Dev ACTUALLY gives a shit about her for the first time in his life. #ROMANCE
When you finally take a long-awaited dump after getting home. ❤
~Moral of story~
You can be an aggressive, arrogant misogynist who hits women for leisure and burns shit in his house. You can expose your genitals to people in the street on occasion. You can also stay at someone's house and still disrespect them every single day.
So long as you are good-looking, everything is A-okay! xx