These are just a few of this year's best tweets - all by their original authors. Give these folks a follow!
31.
Why does my girlfriend get so angry when I'm only trying to make her a little angry?
30.
If someone doesn't text you back, don't read too much into it. Most people only have their phone in their hand 99% of the their entire life.
29.
folks, its a combination Pizza Hut / Taco Bell
28.
Hey everyone look I'm really sorry because I know we JUST buried the casket but I'm 75% sure my wallet fell in there and I was wondering if
27.
God: WELCOME TO HEAVEN, MY SON. ALL QUESTIONS ARE ANSWERED HERE Me: Did Becky from 7th grade like me God: .... Me: Did she God: AS A FRIEND
26.
[DJ-ing at a wedding] GUEST: Can u play "Shout"? ME: Hell yeah, great tune. [Later] ♫ ＳＨＯＵＴ， ＳＨＯＵＴ， ＬＥＴ ＩＴ ＡＬＬ ＯＵＴ♫
25.
This is the greatest thing I've ever seen.
24.
I bet the guy who invented sunglasses also had to invent condoms
23.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says "prom?" was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
22.
Rob Thomas and Santana met on grindr. That's how that song happened. Celebs got apps back in the 90s, before us
21.
Salesperson: How much support do U need in a mattress? Me: I want it to like all of my Facebook posts & ask how my day was when I get home
20.
interviewer: why are you eligible for this job me: i'm not interviewer: excuse me me: you're excused
19.
Probably the worst thing you can hear when you're wearing a bikini is "Good for you!"
18.
Um a dog just came out of the elevator. By itself
17.
"in case of emergency we ask you to please literally rip the entire door off the hinges then get the hell out"
16.
Top Movies Your Boyfriend Wants to Watch: -An Idiot Saves the President -Rich Boy Hero 4 -Silent Hero Journey Boy -Fight Fight Fight -Boats
15.
"All the major tragedies still happened. What exactly did you do when you went back in time?" ME [listening to new 2Pac album]: Nothing
14. We're going to pretend like this one isn't from 2014. It belongs here regardless and has made my 2015 better.
[At dinner w girlfriend's parents] "Watch this" *pretends to play plate like tambourine* *her dad gives her a secret thumbs up but I see it*
13.
"That'll be $19.94." *pulls out $50 bill* "Sorry, we've had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?" *pulls out $25 bill*
12.
It's a good idea to say "I know you can talk" to every animal you meet, just in case.
11.
COP:Ur husband was drafting a tweet when the car crashed. It said "bear astronaut" WIFE:*weeping*It sounds like it wouldve been really funny
10.
Don't take this the wrong way, but could you breathe differently
9.
*shopping at Payless* "That'll be $25.96" Ok, here is $17.53
8.
*first date* Her: I haven't dated anyone since my husband died protecting me from an explosion Me: [long and audible sigh]
7.
ＮＯＡＨ．ＨＯＷ ＩＳ ＴＨＥ ＡＲＫ？ its, uh its good ＧＯＯＤ！ yeah! um yeah well except the girl rabit just laid a egg and a baby chicken hatched from it ＷＨＡＴ
6.
[Date] "I'm going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there's six."
5.
The president of Yemen gave a speech and his glasses were like this the whole time
4.
"911 whats ur emergency" omg im DYING "we'll send someone right awa–" i met THE funiest guy "ok wait so ur not actualy–" AND HE STABBED ME
3.
"Will he ever wake up?" He's been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull* *patient wakes up to turn off the music*
2.
GF: I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. We should split up ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
1. What's that? This is from 2014 as well? This tweet belongs on all of the lists.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn't even care if I killed someone in front of him.
If you like tweets like these, visit Rob Fee's Mandatory page and check out "This Week's 20 Funniest Tweets" - Many of the tweets from this article were featured there.
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