How To Identify A Crappy Friend

We would like to view friendship as "magic" and "forever" like a lot of close relationships that we have. In truth, friendships can be as dysfunctional as romantic and familiar relationships and can run on for many more years as the romantic ones and can leave more wreckage behind. Here's the signs of a crappy friend!

1. S/he's constantly trying to find a way to throw a barb at you.

Christie Shinn

One time, I used to have a friend from college who would constantly throw little jabs at me here and there. She would go and hit me when I was at my lowest like after a fresh breakup, "I KNEW HE WAS F*KED UP!" to when I liked or was interested in someone, she would immediately never listen to why I liked this person, and rather say some offhand comment that "It would never work" to "Oh, don't put all your eggs in one basket".

2. S/he doesn't seem to listen to you.

There is a difference between listening and hearing. Listening is actually being engaged with the other person's thoughts and feelings that are being expressed, while hearing is waiting until the other person shuts up so you can say something. The friend in question would never really listen to you and immediately after you expressed as something important as getting married, having a crush, getting a house, and another enjoyable moment in your life - she would immediately answer with the "Oh dump her." to saying inane things about you should live the "bi and single life like her" without really understand how inane that sounded. (By the way, the latter was said to my friend who was BI AND SINGLE at the time.)

3. Unnecessary sharing of your information.

Even when you don't have utterly confidential information that another person knows - you know that there is an unspoken rule of your personal business not being talked about as their own - like how they conduct their own financial and personal business with others. Case in point - One of my friends had mentioned banking with an institution that was more professional than the last. This "friend" then popped into the conversation, started talking about MY banking experience while she "watched and learned". On Facebook. When I had confronted her about it, she said that wouldn't I want my friend to know? I told her that I could very well tell him myself in private. Oh yes, she also has a job in the legal field so she knew damn well what was client confidentiality is and what was appropriate to share. Which leads to point:

4. ALL ABOUT THEM and their HYPOCRISY

When confronted with that Facebook issue. She didn't apologize at all. She did delete it and then started going on this long "all about her" spiel on how she won against that bank in a lawsuit. By that time I didn't care at all. I blocked her. Also, her going around and cursing other people's relationships while maintaining her "bi and single" mantra (by the way, I have nothing against bi and single people, she was just annoying as hell about it as much as she 'affected' another culture entirely in addition to that, but that's another point), she apparently announced she was getting married after saying awful things to all of our friends about THEIR relationships, showing off her wedding dress (in the store with her groom) and her fake flower bouquet. It is quite safe to say that no one at all cared about her nuptials (if real) which leads me to:

5. FAKE AS HELL

So, if you're a Caucasian woman who is from the Midwest, suddenly affects a heavily Latin accent out of the blue is quietly racist and insulting. There is nothing about getting into other cultures (I'm Asian myself), but to take on a WHOLE NEW identity of how you're a Hispanic/Latina woman and how you 'adopted' that identity as you were raised in the States by a CENTRAL AMERICAN NANNY does not work. Plus, you seem like a jerk by pretending to be Latina when you are not. Also, the fakeness is so overwhelmingly mindboggling at such a visceral level you can't believe it. Which leads to:

6. One-upping

Friends can get competitive. People are competitive. This is true. However, when you're catching up and SHARING, this is highly inappropriate on many levels. I once was sharing with a friend, stating that I had just gotten a house and I loved my life, she immediately went on how she had a bigger house, hot tub, and cats with an additional "ha ha ha" thrown in. However, usually when people one-up you, they end up looking stupid because what they attempt to one-up you with are like things of fake flowers at their sham wedding.

7. Immensely Passive Aggressive But In Small Crappy Ways

If you wonder after all that, how would you think I stood being her friend? The sad bit is that she wasn't an asshole ALL THE TIME. She actually had some very nice aspects to her which she chose to show. However, she really had a mean streak when she talked to me and my friends (not ours as they really despise her) at the worst points in our lives and in ways that was meant to bring us down. I can understand that we don't say the right things all the time, but all those mean, passive-aggressive moments summed up her character and really showed how much of a stupid, thoughtless bitch she is. I know that she still is, because she also did:

8. DEFLECTION: NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR HER ACTIONS

You and your friend are in a relationship of sorts. That takes work like any other relationship. You are two different people. You will have conflict. It happens. However, when I'd approach her at what was upsetting me, she would immediately respond with, "Well you do it too!" to even being discourteous as just pretending she didn't hear you WHILE LOOKING RIGHT AT YOU. She couldn't really say, "I'm sorry" either. Oh, and she was equally terrible at addressing her boundaries. She would huff and puff and kind of make a crying face if she was upset with me about something - but would wait until it bothered her so much she'd say a mean barb or make me out to be a terrible person for even doing anything wrong. There's nothing addressing anything wrong that someone did, but making them into a terrible person without adequately addressing it to them is completely crappy.