Elizabeth Meriwether Pictures / 20th Century Fox Television
The series is obviously a huge deal for fans, despisers, and indifferents alike, but I have never read any of the books. So, I decided to read the books' Wikipedia summaries and see what's up.
Here are 33 things from the books that seem absolutely bonkers to me, a person who has never read a word of the Twilight series.
The first book, Twilight.
1.First off, Bella's mother's new husband being a minor league baseball player is such a hilarious specific. LOL.
2.Why is Bella into Edward at all? I do not get it one bit.
3.This whole thing is a metaphor for sex, right? Like, "Ooh, I want your blood, but I must resist!"
4.When the evil vampire is going after Bella, why do she and Edward separate? I understand the evil vampire will look for Bella wherever Edward is, but if Edward can protect her, isn't that better?
5.Bella, of course the evil vampire is not actually holding your mother hostage. You should not have fallen for that. Come on.
6.LOVE that Bella's excuse in the human world for why she has this giant vampire wound is that she fell out of a window. Sure. Makes sense.
7.Isn't Edward really, really tired of proms? He's been to high school a billion times.
The second book, New Moon.
8.Edward should not lie to Bella and say he doesn't love her anymore. That is mean and dumb.
9.Why is Bella able to hear Edward when she's doing thrill-seeking activities? What is that about?
10.Poor Bella. First Edward with his vampire-ness, now Jacob with the wolf-ness. Why can't she enjoy a sweet relationship with a nice, human teenager?
11.Why can the Volturi and only the Volturi kill vampires? I'm sure that's explained in the books and just not on Wikipedia because it's got to be, right?
12.Much of the Cullen family votes in favor of turning Bella into a vampire, but given the fact that she's 18, this seems bonkers to me. It's even bonkers everyone is accepting the idea of Bella and Edward being together for the rest of her life when she's 18 and they've been a couple for, like, a year-ish.
13.Charlie does not deserve any of this stress. Does he get a happy ending? I hope so.
14.Why is Edward applying to college? A far as I understand it, this is a 103-year-old man who goes to high school over and over and over.
15.Why is Edward proposing to Bella?!?!?!?! SHE IS 18, AND HE IS OVER A HUNDRED, LITERALLY!!!!
16.This sentence is a lot: "Despite harboring an aversion to marriage, Bella accepts on the condition that Edward will have sex with her while she is still human." Sex should never be a condition! Plus, ahhh!!! Don't have that be your deal!
17.Also on that sentence, my strong opinion is don't marry someone if you have conditions!
18.Victoria seems like a really intrepid vampire who wants Bella dead so much, but she's not succeeding in killing her like I feel she totally could.
19.Jacob, don't threaten your death as a way to get back at Bella for becoming engaged to Edward. Not the move.
20.I'm sorry, Bella kisses Jacob while she's engaged to Edward? I firmly believe Bella and Edward are in a monogamous relationship and this kiss is fully cheating, so, fun!
21.And Bella realizes she loves Jacob. Huh. Don't be engaged to someone else then!
22."Bella tells Jacob that she loves him, but her love for Edward is greater." OOF! Don't marry Edward!
23.How does Carlisle, this vampire, own a private island off the coast of Brazil? Someone is going to be like, "Hey bud, um you never age, and what the hell is that about?"
24.Bella realizes she's pregnant two weeks into her and Edward's honeymoon, which, OK, seems kind of soon to know. I mean I know it's a vampire in there, but still. Two weeks? Come on.
25.Not to be too graphic, but how did Bella become pregnant? Like, if Edward doesn't have any blood, how does he get hard?
26.Why is there only one female werewolf?
27.Oh my god, why is Edward the one who performs the C-section? Carlisle is a doctor!
28.Renesmee is not a good name.
29.OK, um, Jacob, what in god's name is the imprinting nonsense? It says it's involuntary, but still. She's a BABY, and she's the baby of the woman you love, Jacob. Nope.
30.All these many, many vampires are coming to Forks, Washington. The humans in the town must be so confused and concerned about the sudden influx of weird people.
31."The Volturi execute Irina in an attempt to instigate a full battle but are unsuccessful." What? Why do they kill someone for no reason?
32.This newbie vampire-human hybrid who shows up with zero buildup seems real deus ex machina.
33.Finally, and this has to do with the whole saga, there is one major thing that baffles me, and that is how little time passes. What is it, two years maybe? Two years for this teenager to go from a normal teen to a vampire mother? I am not happy with this.
