Posted on Oct 15, 2020

32 "New Girl" Jokes That Are Unequivocally Some Of The Funniest Lines Of All Time

"Ain't no way in hell I got a cat brothel going on in my room and I'm the only normal person in this loft."

by Hope Lasater

BuzzFeed Staff

Nick picks up a huge spool of yarn and says, "What is this" Jess says, "yarn" Nick says, "What are you knitting, a mansion"

Schmidt says, "Ladies and gentlemen, drumroll, please," Nick and Jess do a tom-tom and a cymbal, Schmidt says, "Cut, cut, Nick, snare drum, I shouldn't have to specify, Jess, that was a cymbal," and Jess says, "Cymbals are part of the drum kit"

Winston says, "Ain't no way in hell I got a cat brothel going on in my room and I'm the only normal person in this loft"

A little girl says, "A white man broke in today," Schmidt says, "A white man, no, well what did security do about it," the little girl says, "Nothing," and Schmidt yells, "Typical"

Nick, in his Julius Pepperwood disguise, says, "How you guys doing, I'm Julius Pepperwood, I'm an ex-cop, ex-marine, I'm here to learn how to write short fiction, I'm from Chicago, thin-crust pizza, no thank you, I'm from Chicago"

Schmidt says, "You tripped the other day just standing there," and then we see the flashback of Jess tripping while standing still and saying, "It's happening"

Winston says, "At least you can hide your 'pogo' in a shoe," and Schmidt says, "They make shoes for your penis, they're called pants"

Jess says, "If I were a gold digger, do you think I'd be interested in you, I would be the worst gold digger in the world"

Nick says, "But he's using that to study for his police academy test and he is 'not to be disturbed," and we see Winston making a paper snowflake in his room, then we see that his room is covered in paper snowflakes and he says, "not enough, not enough"

Schmidt says, "I can never write my vows right now, I can barely even spell my own name, S...Jeans... Is that right, is 'jeans' not a letter, it feels like a letter to me" and then he says, "'Jeans' isn’t a letter, jeans is pants"

A police officer says, "What kind of person would urinate on an electrical socket," and Nick says, “I thought it would make lightning"

Winston, while doing a puzzle, asks, "Hey, Schmidt, what do you think it's going to look like," to which Schmidt says, "What do I think it's going to look like, Winston, it's on the box, the picture's on the box, it's a Japanese garden"

Schmidt saying, "You are a gynecologist and a lesbian, which makes you, well, a vagenius"

Nick says, "You better learn how to ride a polo horse" and Winston says, "It's actually a polio horse, originally they were bred as helper horses for people with polio, but I don't think anything of what I just said was correct"

Jess asks, "You want my purses to be covered in gem stones," and Nick says, "All guys do, that's what we think is sexy, we want to be playing a saxophone in an alley and have you walk by in a mini skirt with a purse with gems, but you girls don't listen"

When Cece and Schmidt are in bed, they hear a bang and Schmidt says, "What the hell was that, are you the criminals, from the statistics"

Nick takes noodles out of Russell's bowl and Jess says, "Nick, don't eat his noodles," to which Nick says, "Yeah, but we're bowl brothers now"

Schmidt says, "Now you got Schmidt all cranked up," and Nick asks, "You're cranked up," and Schmidt says, "Yeah, I gotta go to the arcade now and blow off steam"

Reagan says, “Schmidt’s deal is he had to Shazam 'Stairway to Heaven'"

Schmidt says, "In the words of the late, great Sir Billy Joel-" and Jess says, "Billy Joel is definitely alive, and he's definitely not a knight"

Nick says, "I’m not convinced I know how to read, I’ve just memorized a lot of words"

When Schmidt and the collector, Wally, are fighting over the Cece box, Wally blows a whistle and Schmidt says, "Wally, stop blowing the whistle, you're sexually safe"

Nick says, “Do I regret it, yes, would I do it again, probably"

Schmidt says, "Get rid of it, Jess, pine has no place in this loft, it’s the wood of poor people and outhouses"

Nick, holding a water bottle, says "mmm, refreshing," Jess says, "Just drink the water, Nick" and Nick pours the water into his tongue

Schmidt says to Winston, "If you think those shoes are brown, what color do you think you are"

Nick says, "If I could give you that cookie back, I would, nothing would make me happier than to throw it up, mash it into cookie-shape, and shove it down your throat," to which Schmidt asks, "You wanna mama-bird me the cookie"

In a forest, Nick yells, "I'm coming, Jess," and then he jumps into a hole and Winston asks, "Head-first, why"

Jess says, "I might as well call you Bridge to Terabithia because you make children cry"

Coach says, "I'm gonna make a cake so moist, girls are gonna be like, 'ew, why do you say moist, I hate that word," I'm gonna be like, 'Just taste the cake,' and they're gonna be like, 'Damn, it's moist"

Nick says, "These knives are a part of me, like that, uh, scissor hand guy, what is his name again, is it Rick Snip"

Nick trying to push open a pull door and saying, "I will push if I wanna push...come on...I hate doors"

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