Posted on Jan 31, 2021

21 Times Captain Holt Was The Funniest, Weirdest, And Best Part Of "Brooklyn Nine-Nine"

"And now for a message of hope: everything is garbage."

Hope Lasater

by Hope Lasater

BuzzFeed Staff

We recently asked the BuzzFeed Community to tell us Captain Holt's best moment on Brooklyn Nine-Nine. Here are the outstanding responses.

1. When Holt was have a terrible time after being transferred but he had to write a toast.

Holt says, "I've been asked to deliver a toast here after the funeral, a message of hope, this is what I have so far, Paaaaiiiinnnnnnn, that's it"

2. And then this was the toast he delievered.

Holt says, "And now for a message of hope: everything is garbage, you find something you care about, and it's taken from you, your colleague, your dream job, your mango yogurt, never love anything, that's the lesson, to Captain Dozerman"

3. When he decided to stay late at work and called Kevin to let him know.

Holt says, "Hello Kevin, I won't be joining you at the opera tonight, the tickets are under my name, H-O-L—"

4. When Amy and Jake were trying to one-up each other the morning of a heist, but then Jake discovered his pre-made breakfast was gone.

Jake says, "Wait, where are my eggs," and Holt turns on a light to reveal himself sitting in a chair in their bedroom and he says, "In my belly, now get a move on, it's heist time"

5. When Jake "pranked" Holt by moving his podium half an inch.

Holt says, "You guys, it — the podium, it's..." then he starts laughing a lot and he says, "You're CRAZY, how did you pull this off"

6. When Holt made a balloon arch for Rosa's wedding, but everyone else didn't like it. Then Rosa saw it.

Rosa sees the balloon arch and says, "Oh my god Captain, she is magnificent," and Holt says, "Vindicatiooooon"

7. When he diffused a situation. By dancing.

A breakdancer on the sidewalk says, "Are you gonna arrest me for dancing," and Holt says, "You call that...dancing, this is dancing" and he starts breakdancing.

8. When Kevin and Jake were about to stay in a safe house and Holt really — like, really — made sure everything would be as safe as possible.

9. Whenever he pretends to be straight.

The security guard Holt's talking to says, "It seems like you want to be with Jamie-Lynn, you keep talking about her thigh gap," and Holt says, "That's my favorite part of a woman, there is nothing more intoxicating than the clear absence of a penis"

10. It's always amazing.

Holt says, "You should see her heavy, feminine breasts, with their perfectly placed nipples, don't get me started on her can"

11. When Holt got fired up and decided to take the "chopper" and go by a cool nickname.

Holt says, "From now on, call me...Velvet Thunder," and Jake excitedly says, "Okay"

12. When Amy was seconds late for work and everyone guessed why, then Holt made her say what happened when she arrived.

Holt says, "I'd like to play, I'd say she's in line at the bank, this is fun," then when Amy arrives, she says, "There was a problem at the bank," and Holt yells, "Hot damn"

13. When Holt and Terry argued over who would have to drive a motorcycle, and Terry said he wouldn't do it because he has three kids.

Holt says, "Are you saying my life matters less because I don't conform to society's heteronormative, child-centric ideals," Terry says, "Are you really playing the gay card right now," and Holt says, "Yas queen"

14. When he told Jake how he actually hurt his wrist, and then deleted all the evidence.

Holt says, "I was hula-hooping," Holt shows Jake a picture and says, "I've mastered all the moves, the pizza toss, the tornado, the scorpion, the oopsie-doodle," Jake says, "Why are you telling me this," and Holt says, "No one will ever believe you"

15. When Holt was going to officiate a wedding, but the speech he was writing wasn't great, so he tested out "winging it."

Holt says, "Love, it sustains you, it's like oatmeal," Terry says, "Okay, okay, not bad for winging it," and Holt says, "I lied, took me two hours to write that"

16. When Holt and Jake got the mumps and named their goiters.

Jake says, "I'd like to introduce you to someone, his name is Simon and I hate him," Holt says, "Hello Simon, this is Balthazar, he's a demon who spits fire in my throat," and later Holt has a second goiter and says, "Balthazar has a sister, Penelope"

17. When Holt tried to get a dentist to confess to murder by talking about how dentists aren't real 'doctors', but wound up defending PhDs — including his husband — instead.

Holt angrily says, "No, the problem here is that medical practitioners have co-opted the word 'doctor,' I know we live in a world where anything can mean anything, and nobody even cares about etymology"

18. Whenever Holt burned Wuntch.

Holt says, "Don’t count your gross fish babies before they’ve hatched, Madeline"

19. By calling her a witch.

Wuntch says, "How do you like my new office, twentieth floor," and Holt says, "Yes, I never thought I'd see you this high without a broom under you"

20. Or a goat.

Holt says, "Care to sit, I’m sure you’d like to take some weight off your cloven hooves," Wuntch says, "Calling me the devil, how original, Raymond," and Holt says, "Actually I was calling you a goat, you goat."

21. And finally, when Holt and Kevin were arguing about a math problem — during the time everyone was on the night shift — and Rosa said what the real issue was.

Rosa says, "I said you two need to bone," Holt says, "How dare you, I am your SUPERIOR OFFICER," 5 minutes later Holt yells, "BONE," 10 minutes later he says, "What happens in my bedroom, is none of your business," 21 minutes later he yells, "BOOOOONE"

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