Life In Between
Where do I fit in?
I follow all types of people and profiles on social media sites these days. Anything from indulgent food blogs to ridiculously cute cats to inspiring plus size models. As I was scrolling through my morning Instagram posts, I came across a Tess Holliday post about a contest to become a magazine's new plus size columnist. I’ve always toyed with the idea of trying to do some freelance writing on the side… But it’s a pretty hard thing to just ‘get into.’ But I saw this post and thought, now there is somewhere I could possibly fit in, since I identify as a plus size 20-something; But it seems I may be wrong in doing so. I fulfill all of the contest requirements except what is apparent to be the most important one… You must be a size 16 or more, and I’m a meager size 14. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not exactly complaining about my size, but it leaves me with the question, where do I fit in? I’ve always seen myself as the big girl in my group of friends, even when they don’t seem to see it or acknowledge it, but in my mind that’s just always how I’ve always see it.
Like many plus size 20-somethings, my weight and corresponding self esteem has been a crazy roller coaster for over the last 6 years. My first year of college gave me the freshman 30, not the 15 I was dreading (brought on by the social anxiety of college life), but by sophomore year I became a work out fiend and over a year lost that 30 lb physical representation of misery. But similarly to many other people, slowly it packed back on, and by just a few months ago there it was again, unwelcomed and unwanted, that 30 lb misery. This time not brought upon by social anxieties of college, but by heartbreak.
In short, my heart wasn’t broken by any person, but by the visa regulations between the US and the UK. I lived in London Sept 2013-June 2014 and fell madly in love with the city and leaving it was hands down the hardest and most depressing day of my life. Being brought back into that depression I had experienced a few years before, misery was let back in without my consent or knowing. It took a good 8 more months for me to confront and banish that misery, but it still shows its face now and again. Since May, I’ve been determined and motivated to beat it down, and somehow it’s working. My journey isn’t necessarily about a number on a scale, it’s a road to a happier place.
But now that I am losing weight, it’s brought me back to the unfamiliar territory of being ‘in between’ which is where I’m not really plus size, but I’m definitely not “normal” size. So where do I fit in? You never realize how suddenly this predicament can catch you, but when it does, you are left reeling and grasping for something to identify with. The territory of being in between is scary, but I hope it will lead me to somewhere I can fit into. But for now, I guess I can just keep trekking on that road to happiness and hopefully find some answers along the way and to always encourage body positivity in myself and others.
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