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21 Things You Learn When You Move To London

Moving to the capital takes some getting used to, so here's a handy run-down of some very important London life-lessons.

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1. If you cross at the zebra crossing before all the incoming cars have stopped for you, there’s a 90% chance you’re about to become a hit-and-run victim

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You can't say you've lived in London until you've nearly been run over by a truck breaking the sound barrier.

3. Drunk-You will materialise more often than you anticipate

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Apparently everyone in London goes out straight after work and drinks a bottle of wine each on an empty stomach.

4. You’ll find out that Drunk-You is impressively adept at getting around

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Especially when you go out across down (a.k.a. hours from home) and then wake up the next morning in your bed with no memory of anything post-9pm.

5. If attractive people approach you on the street it is highly likely that they're selling something

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Do not stop and flirt with that fitty who just told you that your hair’s looking great (I mean, of course it is though, right?): they will trap you with their words!

7. When experiencing #6, don’t drink said drink like it was a normal single

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Or you’ll find it’s just hit 11pm and you keep raving incoherently at strangers about the sofa shaped like a pair of lips.

9. Say no to Covent Garden

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Unless you fashion yourself some sort of plow, or at least a gumshield, to get through the crowds unscathed. Same applies for Oxford Street, Leicester Square, an Soho on a Saturday night.

10. If someone outside a tube station asks for a light, they will probably offer a magic trick (that is supposed to prove the existence of God) in exchange

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Sadly they are usually not as handsome and have markedly fewer teeth than Barney Stinson.

12. Strangers must never break the no-talking rule

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Whilst shrieking and running when someone approaches you on the street is arguably quite rude, it’s probably the safest thing to do. Sorry, tourists who need directions.

16. ...except for maybe that moment when someone asks for directions and you actually know the answer

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"Oxford Circus? Why yes I do know where that is! (That way, isn't it? Is it? Can I look at your map? Where are we now?)"

19. Everyone not in London will bad-mouth London

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OK, fine, it's a sucking cess-pool of cut-throat capitalism where the poor are brutalised and everyone is stepped on by the wealthy and corrupt elite, but I'm quite enjoying it thanks.

20. Everyone in London will bad-mouth London

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“I honestly don't resent spending £1000 a month on a mould-infested one-room hovel 45 minutes from central London. I don't I don't I don't.”

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