How To Deal With The 15 Awkward Thoughts We All Have During A Massage

Here's to some relaxing 'Me And My Surprise Boner' time.

1. "So do I just strip off completely or...?"

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It totally depends on what area of your body you're having massaged, but your therapist will let you know exactly what you should take off and they'll give you a little privacy while you do it.

2. "Oh God, did I wash my feet/behind my ears/bum crack?"

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It's unlikely your bum crack will be visible, but your feet may well be. Your therapist will have seen a lot worse, seriously. Don't sweat it.

3. "This whale music is killing me."

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Any massage therapist worth their salt should have a range of relaxing music to choose from. They won't be offended if you ask for something different. If they don't have something different though, probs best to stick with the whales. Anything's better than complete silence while someone kneads your thighs.

4. "Oh God, they're definitely judging me for my [insert insecurity here]"

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The mole on your back is not going to stop the show. You are not the elephant man.

5. "Will they think I'm complaining if I ask them to be a bit softer?"

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They'll probably be quite relieved - a hard massage is more exhausting to give than a soft one. Speak up if you're in too much pain, you're paying a lot for this experience!

6. "Oh...oh God. Erection. I have a...yep...I have an erection."

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This has probably happened to every single massage therapist ever. If you need to put your mind at rest that it's not too terrible though, check out your chosen masseuse's FAQs page, they'll have some words of reassurance for you there.

7. "I need to pee. I need to pee. I need to pee."

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It's wise to go before you lie down on the bed, but if you forgot, just ask. Better to waste a few minutes of your massage for sweet, sweet relief than lie there convinced you're about to wet yourself.

8. "I wonder if I can get away with this fart...?"

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You can't.

9. "This is pretty intimate. I wonder if my therapist is into me?"

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Hold. Your. Damn. Horses. You do know everyone gets the same treatment, right?

10. "Is my whole body supposed to tingle like this?"

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You are definitely supposed to feel a bit more loosened up. Depending on how deep the massage was, you might even feel a bit tender in certain spots, this will go away in a day or two though.

11. "Making all this small talk is really exhausting."

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You are allowed to just lie there in silence, don't worry. The therapist might even prefer some quiet concentration time, they are in the middle of quite a specific treatment after all.

12. "Are they getting sick of touching my naked flesh yet? I would be."

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No, they're cool with it. They do it all day, every day.

13. "Did I just fall asleep?"

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The experience is generally meant to be relaxing (unless it's an intense deep tissue massage), so your masseuse will probably take it as a compliment.

14. "Did my stomach just make that noise? Or was it a kraken from the deep?"

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Just like patches of body hair and blemishes you are absolutely obsessed with, the masseuse will have heard many stomachs growl and will not care. If you really can't take the awkwardness, ask them if they know any nice places to get lunch in the area.

15. "How the hell do I get dressed again when I'm covered in oil and may have lost the use of my legs?"

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Exactly like when you got undressed at the start of the treatment, you'll be given plenty of privacy, so you can be as ungraceful as you like. There'll be towels too, so you can dry the excess oil off a bit.