1. Denial
This stage usually sets in once you rip your only pair of jeans beyond repair. You start with "Oh, these can be fixed!", which then turns into "Well, I have another pair I can use..." when you know you don't.
2. Alternative Options
Once you realize that, no, those pants will never be worn again, and unless you want to freeze/go pantsless (I'm still waiting for that to be socially acceptable), you're going to have to buy some new ones. You think to yourself, "Maybe I'll just shop online! So-and-so says she gets all of her clothes online!"
3. Just Kidding
"Who the hell can actually buy clothes online?!" I mean, for real, how does someone spend good, hard-earned money on something they aren't sure fits? I bought a hoodie online once and was sorely disappointed. $35 for what was supposed to be a cute, tight fitting hoodie that turned out big enough to fit my husband.
4. The Store
You've finally given up; you're going to just have to bite the bullet and go to a store. Where all of the people are. And the trying on of clothes happens. And the money (that you know you shouldn't feel bad about, you need clothes, but you do) is spent. On the way there you might actually feel a little hopeful. Maybe, just maybe, this time will be different.
5. It's Not
Nope. It's just a reminder of why you hate shopping in the first place. There are so many racks of clothing that you're immediately, just, overwhelmed. And the people! There are so many people...teenagers with their friends screeching over here, the poor mom with her kid pulling things off their hangers over there. You've got to fight through swarms of clothes and people, just to maybe find something that fits.
6. The Fitting Room
So you have as many items as you're allowed to bring in, because you'll be damned if you're going to make multiple trips, and you head to the fitting room. You take forever trying on clothes, because you want to make sure that if you like it, you really like it. You go between the *on for two seconds* "fuck this", to the *on for five minutes* "do I love it though?" Depending on where you're at, you're probably going through all of this with a toddler sneaking under the stalls to look at you. When is it acceptable to shove a child away gently with your foot? Apparently never...
7. Small Talk at the Register
Yay! You've found some jeans (and maybe even a top!) that you like! Time to get the hell out of here and back home, where no pants is acceptable attire! Only, you're not finished quite yet. This is where you actually have to communicate with strangers. If you're lucky, you'll get a quiet person who is perfectly content to just let the transaction go in silence. If not, however, you end up with a chatty cashier with no respect for your desire to leave having said as few words as possible. They say things like "Oh, this is so cute! I'm so jealous you bought this! I actually hung it up earlier and wanted it, but oh well..." or something equally as awkward. You respond with "oh, that sucks..." or something similar, and ignore whatever else is said because you're dying to be out of there.
8. It's Over
Now you are home with your new items! You may put them on right away, just because, or you might not. Either way, you're thanking the heavens above that you won't have to go shopping again for at least, like, another year. Go you!
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