It's the National Coming Out Day, so for a lot of people a very important moment in their lives. Recognising ourselves as heterosexual, LGBT or even coining our own descriptor for ourselves is an important part of our self, our identity; with that, I don't meant the stereotypes or even what our environment may expect from us, but our innermost, personal identity, who we are and what we feel ourselves to be (and how we feel that in our hearts) personally.
But coming out can be a problem. Not only around the world in general, coming out can be perilous in the West. While hate crimes are becoming more and more recognised as such and actually get punished as such (hooray for California's ban on the feeblest of excuses out there – that you learned someone was LGBT and got so totally shocked that you just had to kill them!), it's still you on the slab at the end of the day, even if you can rest in the peace of knowing that the person or persons who put you there aren't going to get away with it.
Also, while hate crimes are being classified as hate crimes, there is a dogged war being fought by those who think that extremism is the way to be (and are willing to go to any and every extreme to have their way) and sadly, they can be found in all tiers of society, including medical and judicial system, making it that much more difficult for the perps to get caught and done for what they've done, even if the law states a very different story.
Living in secrecy, also, is not the same as enjoying the privacy of being a private person, so sharing only that information with the people around us that we wish to share. Living in secrecy means that a part of your self has to always remain hidden. It may lead to depression and other mental health issues, because you will always be looking over your shoulder, always worrying about what is or isn't clear, always worrying about what others may say.
That's no way to live – and in the ideal world, nobody would have to live in fear, nor would anyone have to hide who they are, because there would be no fear of not being accepted or even openly and brutally persecuted.
But this is not the ideal world (yet). So how do you strike a balance between staying safe and being yourself? When to come out and when to stay cautious?
Staying Safe
My personal opinion is that staying safe is of the utmost importance for every living being. This does not mean that you shouldn't campaign for your rights – there are many brave men and women out there, in the most dangerous parts of the world, such as Uganda, who have and do put their lives, personal safety and happiness at risk every day to make a statement and to make this world a better place. But it's one thing to be a campaigner and to do so in a group (where you may have the safety of anonymity) and another to do so in the midst of the hostile territory. If you're the one gay person in the middle of a homophobic, murderous village of two hundred, then I would definitely not advise you to come out – my advice would always be to stay safe, possibly relocate to a safer place and to keep your sanity by staying connected to the rest of the world via internet, where you are bound to find like-minded people, who will make you feel alive and normal, and will make living the way you may have to for a while easier than if you isolate yourself and try to brave a difficult situation alone.
Especially LGBT youth are incredibly vulnerable, not just to their environment, but especially to domestic pressure and violence (that is why I offer my services for free to LGBT youth!). Many do not dare to come out for fear of a homophobic reaction – they could lose their personal freedom, their peace of mind, their home and their lives to the people who were supposed to be the most supportive.
Especially the Bible-belt states seem to sport a lot of dark stories on that (if you want information, I suggest you look at LGBT pages, they are, sadly, full of them). Beatings, threats, Christian camps for un-LGBT-ing a person, you name it. It's a spooky truth… and it only shows just how bad it can be when especially small communities stay quiet and support extremist thought.
Staying quiet about your LGBT-ness in such environment is a very good idea. In fact, keep calm and carry on, while getting yourself towards that wonderful moment when you can simply leave and leave the mess behind. Don't be too sad if your family, when you tell them, disown you… ask yourself, are they worth your pain? If someone cannot accept you for who you are, they most definitely aren't worth it. The most you can feel is sorry for them for being shallow, brutal people. But that's where your sorrow should end.
Coming Out
If you do take that deep breath and take the leap of faith, make sure you do so cleverly. Be sure of whom you can trust – often, "well meaning" extremists will contact your family to tell them that they are really worried, because you are the spawn of the devil (I tend to say, even if that were true, I'd rather go to hell than anywhere they think they're going ;) ) or any other cute descriptor. And we're back to not being safe. Also, don't forget that even if you are physically safe that does not mean that you are safe emotionally. Your parents or family or friends (or even co-workers) may pretend they're ok with it, but then the mess starts – jeering, pressure, implorations, abandonment, whispering behind your back, bullying of all sorts and the emotional manhandling that is supposed to get you back to the good old straight, or is just meant for the amusement of people who think that they have a green light to exercise their pettiness and their issues. Don't become a victim – always, always be aware of who is safe and who isn't.
Mental Health And Self-Defence
I generally suggest to a lot of people that they should learn at least some basic self defence. Same goes for you, and while the best fight is the one never fought, you may profit from your knowledge at the very least in some cases. There are plenty of classes out there – some of them are given online and all you need to do is get connected, or you can watch and learn via DVDs and Youtube. But learn to take care of yourself, and above all how to avoid and escape potentially dangerous situations.
Your mental health is important – never forget about it. There is a point, however, to making sure that the psychiatrist or psychologist you are talking to is LGBT safe, and that they are competent (or you could always go talk to a friendly anthropologist, who is definitely above board and LGBT safe :) ) – one may not include the other!
If you want to keep your sanity by using self-help or self-help sites, do so. Learn to think of yourself (again) as a good, real person, not what others may have made you think, or use whatever you decide to use (from painting to yoga) as a tension release and a prevention method in the first place.
You are who you are. It's not your skin colour, your hair colour, your sexual orientation and a thousand little details that make you good or bad – it's your actions that do, and being LGBT is not a sign of being evil.
To Come Out Or Not To Come Out?
I know, you're wondering – is she telling people to stay in the closet?
The answer to this is – definitely not. Being who you are is a part of who you are (yes, I say that a lot, don't I? :) ), and in general, in the West, you're likely to be accepted. But the point of this article is to present all options – from coming out and everything being fine (which doesn't need a lot said about it) to the worst case scenario to everything in between. I know of cases where adults who live on their own have been ostracised and/or threatened and/or emotionally bullied because they chose to come out – and even worse, their family did so very strongly to their partner, which is not good for any partnership (and yes, such stuff does very often happen in pathological environment to heterosexual couples as well!).
Coming out should be a celebration of yourself just as much as bringing home your partner is (or should be), or getting your degree, or doing something you really like. It's who you are – don't let others take that away from you.
But always remember your safety. If not for your own sake, then for the sake of those who are your friends, or for your SO, and for the fact that being tortured or killed encourages extremists, because pathological people literally feed off a feeling of this kind of sick notion of power. So come out, campaign, be yourself - but always know when and how to stay safe. Your life is important as well.
About the Author - Helidth Ravenholm is a freelancer anthropologist and owns her own small consultation business, while conducting research on terrain. When not too busy, she does all sorts of things, including placing with her nine cat companions and one canine, chatting about random matters with the love of her life and discovering the world in general.
To contact Helidth, here's how - email her or visit her on any of these sites - Culture Contact or her LinkedIn.
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