Life is a little bit different when you have ADHD. Many people accuse this illness of being imaginary, and that anyone diagnosed will, "grow out of it." We always knew something was off about me. At 13 I was depressed. I never really stopped being depressed. I don't recall a time in my life that I wasn't depressed, or anxious. I was always a tidal wave of emotion and every day the tide pulled in closer. At first we assumed it was residual from a stressful childhood. Then I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, but the medications never seemed to work for me and often made me worse. That is, until I was hospitalized. I don't remember much of the night that it happened, I was self-mutilating and then I was there. In the adolescent psych unit. Living in a high observation room. After 3 long and lonely weeks, I was sent home with a new diagnosis: bipolar. I lived with this diagnosis for years, I identified by it, and I shamed myself for it.
All my life I was intelligent, but I could never stick to any passions. This never bothered me; I figured that eventually I would find something that I loved and wanted to master… Except I loved everything. Every instrument I played, I fell desperately and unfathomably in love with. Every time I wrote, drew, painted, or sang- I fell in love with it. After awhile though I would give up, over and over, with all of my many passions; but I was smart. Not just an average type of smart, I had a memory that blew my parents away and intuition that surprised every therapist I've ever seen. I thought this intelligence would carry me through.
I never had to study; there was no need to. As long as I attended class I would remember most everything I heard, despite constantly zoning in and out of lectures and drawing in my notebook. I thought I could achieve honours in every class, except I never did homework. If there had been a school that relied completely on academic testing, without assignments or projects, I would have done extraordinary. I was never good at assignments, projects, or other creative or mindless tasks. I was an essay person, a creative writing person. Always a procrastinator, but at the last moment I would create essays that led my teachers to believe that I should pursue English. So I did pursue English, a bachelor's degree. I lasted one semester. Then I worked in restaurants, which came very easy to me because of the stress, multi-tasking, and diversity of roles. I enjoyed it so much that I pursued Hospitality Management. I lasted a semester and a half, between two different academic institutions. I decided to take more time off, working and changing my dreams repeatedly, until I decided to attend hair school. I was always good at hair, I enjoyed doing hair, and appreciated the industry- however, for me it was my back-up plan. The shortest program available that I would enjoy, succeed in, and potentially finish. It was never my first choice.
I let myself down when I started hair because I was sick of failing. I had musical, artistic, and academic potential, but I wasted it because I was lazy and indecisive. I switched high schools over and over because I feel like I didn't fit. I lost all my chances. At 21 years old, I felt like a failure that would be destined to settle for aspirations smaller than my own. At 21, I felt guilt about every action I had made, and every one I was to make. At 21, I felt like my life was a battle that I didn't even appear at because I was too useless and distracted.
And here, at 21, I was diagnosed with ADHD.
Many things make sense now. Such as why I learned 10 instruments, sang, wrote, drew, painted and gave up every single one. It's clear why I could never focus on assignments, because I always had too many thoughts in my head that were easier muddled together in the form of an essay. I understand why I'm so emotional, usually late, and generally pretty reckless. Until now, I have never felt normal. I have never felt ready to start preparing for a career. I have never felt hope that I can realistically change lives and make an impact. I have never believed I could truly and honestly be love. But now, I am no longer a failure.
…To Finish.
I can proudly say this is the first piece of extracurricular writing I have ever completed, from start, to finish.
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