Headline Shirts Top 10 Unsexy Tees!

Amid the controversy over the recent contraception bill in Congress, we at Headline Shirts would like to suggest a "perfectly natural" form of birth control -- deeply unsexy t-shirts. Today we're starting a countdown of the Top 10 Least Sexy T-Shirts We Could Think Of. Quick disclaimer: None of these are actually real (at least not yet). We offer them as a modest proposal for how to prevent unwanted pregnancies when all else fails. We're fairly certain no one would get laid while wearing these.

No. 10

We begin our countdown with a design that combines two of the most potent forms of sexual repellant — venereal disease and air quotes. We’re not even sure where to begin being turned off.

No. 9

Unemployment Check. Enough said.

No. 8

Wanna see something gross? Good! Because we're continuing our countdown of the Top 10 Least Sexy T-Shirts of All Time. At No.8, it's "Hairy Chest Trompe-l'œil." It's so lifelike, only your gastric-bypass surgeon will know the difference.

No. 7

Don't look now! (Seriously.) We're continuing our countdown of the Top 10 Least Sexy T-Shirts of All Time. At No.7, it's "I Cry After Sex on the First Date." Funny, we always thought that was more of a third-date kind of thing. These kids today.

No. 6

Tune in and turn off! We're continuing our countdown of the Top 10 Least Sexy T-Shirts of All Time. At No.6, it's "Jesus Is My Birth Control." We can't imagine anything less sexy. (We're referring, of course, to the Papyrus font choice.)

No. 5

How's it hangin'? We're continuing our countdown of the Top 10 Least Sexy T-Shirts of All Time. At No.5, it's "I'm with Droopy." Apparently this guy must be a big Snow White fan.

No. 4

Coming in at No.4 on our countdown, it's "Eyeballs and Nipples!" If you stare at it long enough, it kind of has a "magic eye" effect (no pun intended). But you have to stare at it for a long time. While you're at work. (For some reason you only see it while you're at work.)

No. 3

We're down to No.3 on our countdown of the Top 10 Least Sexy Tees! And what could be less sexy than a creep who holds his hugs for too long?

No.2 - Bacon

We're down to the final two in our countdown! At No.2, it's "I Heart Bacon..." Whoa there, buddy! We love bacon too, but only as a friend -- not a lover.

No.1 - Moist

And the No.1 Least Sexy Tee (We Could Think Of) is... "Moist!" Yes, that's right, this offering from the (fictional) company Moist Couture is the unsexiest t-shirt we could think of. We're not sure if it's the word "moist," the gaudy color scheme, or the accompanying trackpants that we imagine it would have. But whatever it is, this shirt really turns us off.