Anyone Tryin’ To Party?

By Ted Cruz

An Open Letter to the People of the United States of America

Reuters/Joe Mitchell / Via salon.com

What's up, America?

Look, I'm going to be traveling around the country during my campaign. I have 115 rallies in 107 cities between now and March. That's a lot a miles and a lot of time spent by my lonesome. So, let me cut right to the chase. I'm liable to get really bored. Cruz gonna get cagey and when Cruz get cagey Cruz needs someone to let Cruz outta his cage. So, I'm just gonna put this out there: Anyone tryin' to party? Anyone tryin' to throw down Ted Cruz style while I'm in town?

For those already like, "Hell yeah! I wanna get it going with Ted Cruz!" Awesome. Hit me up at my email address, and we'll be in touch. It's [e-mail].

For all those on the fence, I get it. I might not come off as the most fun dude in the world. But that's cause I've had to hang out with members of Congress everyday for like...years. And those dudes are so lame. I'm ready to let loose. And believe me, I'm awesome to party with. I'm so fun.

Seriously. I'm down for anything, dudes. House parties, clubs, underground metal shows, your friend's band's album drop party, your roommate's improv show afterparty, a Tiesto concert, an Enya listening party. I get so freaky to Enya. And I'm definitely up to get down on a boat. Oh man! I need to get into that maritime sort of freak fest, you know what I mean? Who's trying to go for a Booze Cruz.

Again, hit me up: [e-mail]. Let's get funky. I mean it. You know I shoot straight from the hip, America. I really wanna party.

I'm looking at you, St. Petersburg, and you, Pittsburgh, and especially you, Nashville. Cruz wants to eat some fried chicken and drink a few beers and then see some country music with you, Nashville. And then go dancing with you and get a little too close to you when we're dancing, and we know we shouldn't but it just feels so good so we give into that feeling and go with it, Nashville. But we know it won't work out in the end so we just go for a long walk and talk and talk and talk and part ways thinking we'll never see each other again, Nashville. But then the next day, I see you at my rally, and we share a knowing glance. Then, you quickly divert your eyes because it's all too painful, Nashville. Who's in for that funky, funk, heartbreak kind of night, America. Let's do this.

I mean, don't get me wrong. My campaign is still my number one priority. I'm traveling across the country because I want to get to know my constituents. I want to hear what you are going through on a day-to-day basis. Let's talk about how I can rework the tax code to raise up our middle class. Let's talk about how we can regulate our guns without infringing on the 2nd amendment. Let's talk about how our religious liberties are being taken away from us right in front of our eyes. And let's talk about your freaky, freaky fetishes. Oh man, do I want to hear about your freaky, freaky fetishes. I've got a few of my own that I'd totally love to tell you about. Here's a hint: feet + chocolate sprinkles.

Who's down?

God bless these United States of America,

Cruz out.