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5 Things Only The Person Who Stole My Identity Will Understand


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1. Amirite?!


First off, that moment when you do your thing because YOLO and hack into the credit card database of a gym and steal all of someone’s personal information to use for your own benefit, and then that person doesn’t realize it for a few weeks because you only make a few small purchases at first, but that person totally should have noticed because they’ve never been to a Babies R Us before.

2. Straight up artist.


When you pull a total freaking Picasso and learn to forge a person’s signature so perfectly that when the cops ask that person to identify their own signature when compared with one you did, they can’t tell the difference. You totally nail that loop on the cursive “G” in “Glenn” and the swoopy flourish on the “n” at the end of “Jackson”.

3. Don't even care.


That moment when you use that signature and a stolen to credit card number to buy extravagant dinners at Michelin Star rated restaurants around the country and then are all, “WHATEVS,” and buy $1400 worth of cheddar cheese at a cheese shop in Des Moines, Iowa. That’s so much cheese, but you don’t even care.

4. Like, so over this! BYE!


Then, the credit card get shut off and you think the cops might be on to you so you’re all, “PEACE OUT, Y'ALL,” and flee the country, and now no one knows where you are, so the cops can’t really do much to help the person out.

5. UGH! Can't even anymore.


And then the person's totally like, “Where does this leave me? My credit’s a mess. I can’t apply for a mortgage or lease a car. I’m working with the banks and insurance companies to help fix this but it could take years before any of this is resolved and who’s to say it can’t happen again? All we have in this world is our sense of security, and I feel like I don’t have that anymore. I’ve lost my trust in people. I don’t really know where to turn or what to do next.”

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