Do I Try Tinder? I Will Give You Some Reasons Not To
Tinder: many single millennials have tried this application on our smart phones. The only accurate, unbiased information I can attest to is: it kills your phone battery, glitches, and for men seeking women it sometimes includes fake profiles directing you to pornographic websites.
Do I Try Tinder? I Will Give You Some Reasons Not To
Tinder: many single millennials have tried this application on our smart phones. The only accurate, unbiased information I can attest to is: it kills your phone battery, glitches, and for men seeking women it sometimes includes fake profiles directing you to pornographic websites.
That being said, as a person who went to a small school and chose not to shit where I ate, I've been using websites as dating tools since about 2007. Relax everyone, I am still here today (although, you can't unsee men in girls jeans....thank god they came out with skinny jeans for men).
I ended a long term relationship a year or so ago, after three months, I decided to try Tinder. Here are my worst experiences. It's personal, and I know by publishing this blog, I will be either forever pitied, or forever alone....
Bachelor #1: The Arrogant Intellectual
When I first began my tinder excursions, I met someone handsome. His intelligence came off as arrogance and he didn't wear deodorant. Upon meeting he invited my friends and I up into his apartment overlooking the city where instead of a TV he had a blank canvas and hundreds of paints in his window sill.
"Do you paint?"
"No."
While my list of things to say about him could exceed a lengthy novel, I will just say that my blood boils most when I think about him. He was handsome, and smart, but too good for a job. He called it 'gainfully unemployed'; I call it, 'My dad pays my rent.'
I stuck around with him a little too long, but it was only because I was incapable of saying no to him-I felt manipulated. Our most memorable date was to a strip club on Halloween where he discussed how the sound of the plastic platforms was comforting. Needless to say, I can't be with the analytic type (who says that?! Just enjoy the boobs for god's sake.) His text messages became increasingly rude accompanied by sexual innuendos and emoticons of corn on the cob (which I have never thought looks like a penis by the way), and we haven't seen each other since-of course shedding light on the never before discovered 'I want you because you don't want me' situation. Ground-breaking, really.
Let me tell you something about this type of man: he is handsome, he is mean, and he is too good for everything. He will criticize you, and some women accept that. By observing this person you see him with a slew of women that have low self-esteem or negative self-image. Chances are, this will be a longer relationship than most tinder encounters, but not really on an emotional level. Don't subject yourself to the stress someone like this will cause. There are plenty of opportunities for you to have a long lasting physical type of relationship that doesn't involve high levels of anxiety while around him.
Bachelor #2: Doobie Ken
I met this guy at a beer bar and it looked like someone had taken the hot blonde from tinder and held him hostage at burning man for 3 years. You could tell it was him...but he looked like shit. You're looking for "Midwestern Charm Ken," and you get "Doobie Ken," complete with his own home brew and hash making supplies. He drank several beers and made me take the bottles in my purse so he could add it to his collection of empty bottles (whatever's comfortable). He said "cheers" over and over, and I was annoyed. It's like, please stop, I thought I turned your voice switch off Doobie Ken....
I don't have much to say except that this was definitely a one and done situation. I went over to his place after the date because I didn't care what Doobie Ken thought of me, he smoked hash and expressed that his collection of butane torches were for 'dabs,' and 'bruleeing' (he was in cooking school.) Anyway, if you squinted hard enough he looked good enough to pass for 'that was one time!' if you catch my drift. His dog chewed up my underwear and I left...he never contacted me again.
Let me tell you about his type of man: he is the poster child for Tinder encounters. He buys you drinks, he's good looking enough that you can have some no-strings-attached sex, and you'll never want to see him again. It can be fun to have these types of encounters, but your "number" can rack up quickly, and the sex is 'eh' at best so if you encounter a Doobie Ken, a condom is essential. And as T.I. says 'I don't want no mediocre.'
Bachelor #3: The Unexpected Lady Killer
This is the guy you swipe right on because you think he looks sweet....
He was 4+ years older than me. He's not necessarily what I usually fantasize about. Something about this type of man appealed to me, he asked me to add him on Facebook and all I saw were pictures of him working on cars, and his occasional posts were not of much else. I cancelled many dates with him until I realized we shared a common love of something. For us, it was comedy TV. We met and I wore this strange shirt that people make fun of (I mean, I tried, but he's not the pope...) and upon meeting, something clicked. I wanted to see him again, we laughed together, we shared stories of wild experiences together, we enjoyed food, and best of all each other's company.
He took me out, but it became a pattern that his roommate attended everything with us. I should have seen it as a negative because his roommate felt so comfortable around me, and I was so random. He even went to the hot tub with us, I was like, really? Of course the guy asked me if it was okay, but you've gotta wait to let your inner bitch out until he's actually your boyfriend. Kidding...
He was very skinny, but ate more than anyone I knew. I would wake up to a funny video or article from him every morning. I liked him more than anyone from Tinder, or possibly anyone ever, which is why this one is painful to write about. He would Tinder while we were together (I'm talking physically in each other's presence) and eventually he became distant. I tried to stay away and move on but I couldn't; I connected, I was in too deep, and it hurt. He attributed his distance to being "busy", and how he "hated texting" which I knew wasn't true, he used to text me all day, everyday, and make time.
Let me tell you about this type of man: he likes the idea of being loved, and desired by many at a time, and he's lovable. Charming, not too pretty, does all of the things you like to do, the perfect candidate for a boyfriend except one problem: his being so charismatic makes it easy for him to connect with lots of women so he dates multiple women at a time, and has probably had more sexual partners than anyone you've ever dated. This is because he can fool you, make you feel good in more ways then one because he is an expert. Honestly, this man and I had a 'relationship' of sorts until I ended it. There's a huge chance he would've slept with me and bought me drinks and dinner for a long time. Many guys in our lives do that, and chances are you want more from him, and you can't and shouldn't subject yourself to that kind of heartache. These usually take time to get over. Often times you'll wonder, why didn't I keep that going? But the only thing worse than being alone is being neglected and ignored until he feels a tingle in his dick (just keepin' it real).
Bachelor #4: The Real-Life Never-Nude
This is hands down the most ass-backwards type of situation...get ready. The twinkle in my eye for Tinder had been dwindling at this point. This guy was just one that remained persistent in his efforts to, I would say take me out, but it turned out to be just him convincing me to buy him pizza...so I decided to drive to his college town about 30 minutes away. Why? I am still asking myself that. He had no car, no job, and all he did was run cross country. I knew this before dating, and in our early twenties its very much a transitional period, and there's nothing wrong with that. He walks to my vehicle in a denim jacket and a Blink-182 flat-billed hat, a combination I don't think I have ever encountered. Upon walking to the pizza place, a gust of wind blows my top open revealing a rhinestoned hot pink bra that we all know he saw (I will yell at a 12 year old for stealing my spot in line for a roller coaster, but nothing embarrasses me more than wardrobe malfunctions). He also didn't pay and expressed he had no money. I'm sorry, his exact words were..."Like 12 dollars,' AFTER DINNER. So I paid, drove him home, just about to drop him off when he asks me to come in. I don't know why I do this, but I do, and to be fair this was in the midst of getting over bachelor #3. His 17 condominium roommates were there accompanied by a Beatles poster that had George Harrison and Ringo Starr's eyes x-ed out.
'Why did you do this?"
"Because, they're dead."
That's morbid, and I should've left at that point, but I digress. We went downstairs for some privacy. I play a game in my head with all men 22 and younger.... 'Fouton in the living room? or Mattress on the floor?" He had an air mattress...on the floor, I won!
This is where the magic (or lack there of) happened. Again, the thought went through my head, "fuck it, this isn't going to go anywhere, you look like Jesus, let's get it popping" and I kid you not, underneath all of his clothes were short shorts of the athletic variety. I remember him expressing his distaste for condoms and Lana Del Rey, which are my two favorite things, and then I left shortly thereafter, wondering if two seconds in length indicated a need to be added to my list of sexual partners.
He texted me the next day expressing his desire for more with me, which I don't hear very often, and I thought maybe if he could walk around in those little shorts and leave the hat and jacket at home I could dig it.
Then after weeks of not hearing from him, I made the internal conclusion that that was over.
I then received my first, what I call, 'being-dumped-over-text-without-ever-getting-the-benefits-of-an-actual-relationship' situation. Starting with a 'Yo Haley, this isn't working out, the you n me thing' (I'm thinking, 'this isn't 'Rocky IV,' you son of a bitch'...) and in addition to that I receive some self-esteem boosting statements like 'I never felt a connection in the first place' and 'I don't really care about you', finishing off with some paragraphs of his own self pity trying to turn it into a "it's not you, it's me, thing." I will tell you what, I didn't need any of it.
Let me tell you about this type of man: his experience with women is minuscule and he's mostly around men who also have limited experience. He has no idea what he's doing in and out of the bedroom and if you feel your self-esteem may be low enough to encounter a man that rejects real underwear....I would say pay for that pizza (or don't) and run! Ain't nobody got time for that.
Bachelor #5: Mr. 6'4"...More like Mr. Lasts 6.4 seconds.
This guy was an 'athlete,' but anyone can play club sports at a university that no one living in proximity knows its location...he was blonde, lived in a apartment in the trendiest part of town with only one roommate, and coached youth sports. We texted for weeks before and at first he was impressed by my quick-witted personality. He had bad social cues and he wasn't kind to women, or kind about them, and I noticed this immediately.
He sent me his address and I am standing outside his fancy uptown apartment when he suddenly emerges from the door, all 6'4'' of him, he expresses his amazement that I was able to find his apartment because...
'No one ever does.' and I say 'Who have you been dating?!'
Now, I once asked in nursing school if the mother carrying the child needed a belly button, so I am clearly no genius. Anyway we walk to dinner, I order the same thing as him, but what can I say? I'm irritating. I spit water all over myself for some reason and he tells me his ethnic background is 'Ohioan'. After dinner the check comes and he says, "let's split it". Afterward we see a movie and I paid, he didn't even pretend to get out his wallet. He then invited himself to my Friday night plans that weekend and calls my best friend the wrong name (his middle name is her first name...#icanteven). We walk from the bar to his place. My girl had since left, and seeing that alcohol lowers my IQ I left with him. He calls an uber, and although my IQ lowers, my attitude is right where I want it to be, I say...
"I am not paying prime time for 2 miles, that would be 25 dollars." He says, "I make that in half an hour." The Uber never comes and I walk two miles in my stilettos (yet I am still constantly dubbed as high maintenance).
All I gathered from that was, you make $50 an hour, I make $100 a week and we split dinner and I paid for the movie....I was infuriated, yet still continued my evening with him.
Sidebar: Seeing as the idea of men paying for dates was mainstream back when women were homemakers, I understand why a man wouldn't pay for a date, now that women as a collective population have become more independent. However, my rule of thumb is, if you're the one with the degree and the job, don't make the part-time employed student pay. And if men don't want to pay anymore, quit using the term "Let me take you out...." that indicates that you are in control, thus paying the bill. It's misleading.
He awakens me in the middle of the night and asks me to leave, his reasoning for which included "you sleeping here indicates that we're something we're not....I don't wanna get breakfast in the morning."
I went home at 3 am, indulged in several del-taco burritos, and fell asleep still red in the face with humiliation.
Let me tell you about this type of man: he is very inexperienced with women. He will act like he's interested, but any glimpse at a serious conversation or serious issue and he bails.He is selfish, he doesn't act like he's a good guy, and he pretends that you're the one being crazy. He will blame his inability to spend time with you on his busy schedule, but you'll know because it isn't your first rodeo, and chances are, you're busy too. My suggestion is, on to the next.
Bachelor #6: Caleb Crawdad, I do declare.
So his name isn't really Caleb...obviously. If you understand this reference, and you're male, call me so I can propose. Oddly enough, this guy was my very first Tinder match. He and I talked for about four months before we decided to go on a brewery tour together. While it was initially just a friend encounter, I fell for him and his southern 'charm' very quick. He was from Nashville, moved here for work. We had a nice time together, and continued to date for a period of time. He lived an hour away so we would make time when possible, but when I couldn't come to visit it became....
"Oh that sucks, see you some other time."
Or when I did visit, he would sneak chia seeds in my pancakes, and make the unthinkable for anyone coming from an Italian family, whole wheat pasta....All I could think was....'Are you trying to kill me?! I hate health food. Where's the gravy and fried things?! aren't you southern?'
I guess he could cook, but I am so unimpressed with the ability to read a box, my grandpa cranks fresh macaroni through a machine, and makes a bolognese sauce for 4 hours, THAT is cooking.
The last time we decided to hang out, he contacted me on a Monday asking what my weekend plans were, I told him I was going to a concert, he asked to come along, he agreed, not before griping about how expensive $40 was for a ticket...but if it's not Lil' Wayne, why bother?....his music taste was an atrocity, do people still even listen to "Mrs. Officer"....?
Saturday morning comes around and he said the concert 'sold out' and we had 'bad luck' and I became infuriated....Amidst the stress men have caused, I have become what I refer to as a 'no nonsense type of gal'. I knew he was waiting until the last possible second to buy his ticket, I knew he didn't want to come, I knew that the concert selling out was the perfect excuse for him.
I expressed my distaste for his poor timing and excuses, to put it lightly, and I stopped talking to him. Weeks later I receive a text that said...
'Just trying to break the silence, don't want to cut someone out of my life like that.'
Which is like an apology...if Kylie Jenner's lips were natural, and Dane Cook was funny. Nevertheless, I used this opportunity to ask a tough question.
"Why did you contact me again? Am I just a placeholder until you find something better?"
His response was..."I don't want to talk about feelings."
....And that's how Caleb Crawdad died, No! I'm totally kidding.
But I did quit talking to him.
Let me tell you about this type of man: He, shocker, has actually had a girlfriend before. He is new in town, and likes a companion. He claims to treat women well, but being a good man goes beyond holding the door and buying Russel Stover's chocolate on Valentine's Day. In reality, and this will sum up my opinions and thoughts about tinder, he doesn't care about you. 9 times out of 10, the man you meet on the online hook-up site will not respect you. He will do all of the things a boyfriend will do, but he won't commit. This is because he is embarrassed where he found you. He's the type that writes 'We're lying about how we met,' on his profile, which is indicative of the fact that he doesn't really care to build anything honest, or anything real. They prefer to meet women the 'old fashioned way,' which is funny because, how the f**k is sending an electronic message on a phone smaller than your pocket old fashioned? You text message each other in both types of situations.
Why is Tinder so Taboo?
In a time where we post pictures of our food online, we're embarrassed to use the world wide web to find a date. Why?
I think it is because online dating has this connotation that the prospects are in their later child bearing years, socially anxious, automatically looking for a spouse, or desperate. Which is ridiculous, as a population of young people utilizing these things, why be embarrassed of our culture? or what technology has to offer?
It expands the dating horizons, allowing us to decide what we like, don't like, or would rather pretend didn't happen (here's looking at you never-nude).
People dive in head first on Tinder (see above) whereas in person, it's a lot more rare for a man to approach a woman and say "I want your butt in my mouth," but my findings are anytime I go on a date, go out with friends, or go to any place where there are a bunch of people that don't know each other, every stranger's face I see is lit up with the light of their phone, avoiding small talk, or God forbid, eye contact, and maybe a smile.
Why I think It Can Limit Human Face to Face Initial Interactions....
If you prefer to 'meet women or men the old fashioned way,' try not only getting off of tinder in public, but get off your phone. Try leaving it at home, or turning it off until you need that drunken cab ride home, I am not here to promote drunk driving either, but come on...Nothing worse than tweeting how you feel like you were born in the wrong generation from your smart phone, in public, surrounded by people, I am sure you'd be attracted to at least one of them.
Anytime I see a person at a bar on their phone, It takes me back to my last serious relationship, someone is jealous on the other line, demanding constant texts, I am 100% less likely to approach that person.
There are few things that never change in life. Human attraction included.
But I can count on my fingers the times men I met at a bar, without prior online interaction, that have bought me a drink, the answer is 1. My other rule of thumb is, until a guy approaches me in person that I find mutually attractive, I will continue to justify my use of online dating.
Talk to women, talk to men, there is this mentality with tinder that goes something like...."I have got nothing to lose, I will say whatever I want." This is the case for anywhere you go...you don't know this person, they don't know you, what's a simple 'Hello' going to hurt?
In conclusion, I have given up all hope. Not really, I mean I could have stopped after one or two of these people, but I am a person that perseveres through the pain. These stories are not fabricated to any degree. Some may argue that Tinder and sites alike are interfering with fate, what are your thoughts?
Please share your tinder experiences here, your public secrets are not safe with me....
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