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Posted on Mar 2, 2016

25 Things You'll Understand If You Actually Can't Function In The Morning

A lot of people hate mornings, but you are physically repulsed by them.

1. OK, first things first, this isn't a post for people who are all, "OH, look at me, I'm so cute, I can't stand mornings!!!!!"

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NO, SIRREE.

2. THIS, comrades, is a post for people who are profoundly traumatised by the process of waking up each and every morning.

3. You're not just like, "Oh, jeez, I haven't had my coffee yet!"

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BECAUSE YOU HATE MORNINGS SO MUCH THAT YOU CAN'T EVEN MAKE THE WORDS OUT OF YOUR FACE HOLE.

4. You wake up every morning and – NO MATTER WHAT TIME IT IS – it's the worst part of your day by a mile.

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5. You have never made a remotely cute face in the morning.

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Instead, you look like a foul, disgusting, vengeful, empty sack of a person, as if your soul has not yet entered your body – because it hasn't.

6. No matter how logical and put together you are for the rest of the day, when you've just woken up, NOTHING is worth getting out of bed for.

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Need to pee so bad you think you might explode? IT DOESN'T MATTER.

7. Seriously, nothing is more important than continued sleep. Supposed to be meeting a friend? Fuck friendship.

Bravo

You'll make new friends. You'll make them in the evening, not the fucking morning.

8. Supposed to be in class, getting an education to give you a better shot in life? OH WELL.

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9. Need to go to work and earn the money that you require to live? DOESN'T MATTER.

Flo Perry / BuzzFeed

Just get fired. You'll find a way. You'll scavenge food. It'll be fine. It'll be totally worth a few more minutes of just lying there.

10. If you have ever, EVER woken up and got up right away – and you probably haven't! – you look back on it fondly as one of the strangest and nicest mornings of your life.

Fox

"I remember that one time I got out of bed right away when I was 14. What a great day it was."

11. You have pretty much never eaten breakfast.

12. Instead, when you wake up, you spend the first 5–10 minutes of the day contemplating everything bad about yourself, and the world, and your job, and planet Earth.

Flo Perry / BuzzFeed

Planet Earth is rubbish, but at least your bed is nice.

13. You've thought some pretty dark shit in the first few minutes of each day.

14. Relationships that usually feel wonderful, loving, and secure come under intense review first thing in the morning.

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"If I was alone, I wouldn't have to deal with someone bringing me a nice cup of tea while I'm trying to sleep."

15. Yes, if a loved one is unfortunate enough to experience your first moments of wakefulness with you, they've probably heard some melodramatic shit.

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"Get that lovely cup of tea the fuck away from me, you asshole. I don't love you any more."

16. Perhaps your loved one is actually a morning person, in which case they REALLY don't understand.

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The best they can do is hold tight and know that your morning rage will pass like it always does.

17. The weird thing is, you're probably not even a miserable shit for the rest of the day!

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You just pack a whole day's misery into the first moments of being awake.

18. The very best thing about the weekend is, of course, the fact that you can sleep in.

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Like, really sleep in. Sleep in until a time that you would never admit even to fellow morning-haters, whom you lie to about "getting up at noon".

19. But then every Sunday night, you lie awake dreading the worst morning of all: Monday.

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Again, this is not in a cute, adorable, Garfield kind of way: "Mondays, amirite?!"

No, this is a full-bodied, physical loathing of Monday morning and all the horrors it will bring.

20. And as long as you're lying awake at night, you figure you may as well watch TV since you're going to be miserable no matter what.

Flo Perry / BuzzFeed

And then, SURPRISE, it actually CAN be worse.

21. Because, despite what your mother judgementally tells you, it ACTUALLY doesn't matter how much or how little sleep you get: You will be completely miserable in the morning no matter what.

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NO MATTER WHAT.

22. Most nights you tell yourself that tomorrow morning will be different.

Twitter: @_DowngoesFraser

"I know I've been this way for decades, but I really think tomorrow's the morning I'll spring out of bed early."

23. You've made bargains with yourself to try to get out of bed in the morning, like, "IF YOU GET YOUR LAZY FUCKING ASS UP RIGHT NOW, YOU CAN BE IN BED BY 6PM TONIGHT, PROMISE."

Sara Pocock / BuzzFeed

But it doesn't really work, because morning you knows that bargaining you is a liar.

24. You're perfectly aware that getting out of bed a little bit earlier will make your entire life better. (You could be early! You could have breakfast! You could wear clothes that match!)

Twitter: @Jake_Vig

But there is no logic in the universe that can overcome your religious hatred of waking up. Every morning, logic dies a painful, angry death.

25. In the end, your loathing of waking up has become a part of your identity. There's nothing you can do about it: It's just you.

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Or maybe tomorrow will be the morning when you finally spring out of bed early...