Reddit user u/newlymoneydrapper recently posed the question: "What is the worst excuse you've heard from someone who cheated?" and the replies quickly filled with some of the most absurd things my innocent eyes have ever read. Here are the ones that actually shook me to my core:
1. "An ex-girlfriend slept with her ex-husband one weekend I was out of town and claimed it wasn't cheating because they were previously married. She had the nerve to be upset with me for calling her out on it and breaking off the relationship."
2. "My ex was very into astrology. She cheated and later blamed the Great American Eclipse of August 2017."
3. "'If you hadn't introduced us, we wouldn't be in this situation. She was your friend, you should've known that she was capable of manipulating me!'"
4. "He got an STD while he went away and told my friend that it was because of the soap in the Airbnb."
5. "My cousin's boyfriend told her: 'It doesn't count if it's with another dude because you're supposed to experiment in college. It's not my fault you're too prudish to try it.'"
6. "Earlier in the year, we had taken a Caribbean cruise. On the last couple days of the cruise, I felt miserable. I quarantined myself in our cabin while he went on some excursions. When we got home from the cruise, he wouldn’t help get my luggage out of the car or help me carry it in. I drove myself to the emergency room that night because my fever was around 103° and I was sore all over. It turned out to be influenza. Later, when I caught him cheating, he said that I had ruined his vacation by getting sick and I should have known how important vacations are to him."
7. "'It doesn't count if they're family.' I'm in a small town in the deep South. I wish I was making this up for internet points."
8. "One morning, I went to brush my teeth and my toothbrush was wet. I found that odd, so I asked my girlfriend if she used the blue toothbrush, and she said yes very casually. I said that the pink toothbrush was hers and she played it off like she didn’t know. I suddenly realized that we had been using the same toothbrush for a few weeks and it kind of grossed me out. That started a very small argument. I went to work, as did she, but she didn’t come home that night. The next morning, I called her out and she admitted that she slept with another guy that 'didn’t think she was gross.'"
9. "'It was the anniversary of my cousin's death and I wasn't in my right mind. You know how upset I was. Blaming me is classic victim blaming. You should be COMFORTING me!' This was AFTER I offered to stay with her for the night, but she said she wanted to be alone."
10. “'Kissing is like holding hands, so it’s not cheating. Friends sometimes hold each others' hands. Maybe if I were doing it with lots of guys every day, but that was a two-time thing!' Also, 'It was only a blowjob. It’s not like we slept with each other. That would be cheating.'"
11. "When they got caught, they tried to play the 'humans aren't meant to be monogamous' card. I'm like, 'If you don't believe in monogamy, why did you even marry in the first place, only to cheat later? You could've joined a free-love hippie commune at any time. But that's not what you did.'"
12. “'I didn’t even enjoy it because I was thinking about you the whole time and I felt terrible.'"
13. "'My wife was pregnant, so I wasn't getting any.'"
14. "'If you pay for it, it doesn't count.' I've literally heard this one from my cousin's husband. He told her."
15. “'I know my heart and my heart was true. There was no conflict in my heart as to who I love.' Right, so as long as you don’t love her, I should be okay with it then?!"
16. “'I’m just on Tinder to confirm that there’s nothing better out there. It helps me appreciate you more.'"
17. "My ex-brother-in-law cheated on my sister while she had cancer and was in the hospital. He said he wasn’t getting enough attention."
18. "'I’m not cheating. I’m practicing for our wedding so I can help make our first time together special.' This excuse was given to me by my former fiancé after catching him with his best friend in bed. He’s the one who told me we couldn’t have sex until marriage because we were Catholic and it would be a sin."
19. "'A dick has no conscience.' My late brother-in-law used that one. I used to think, 'Yeah, but the dick it's attached to is supposed to.'"
20. “'I felt like a maid in our own place!' 🙄 I asked him to vacuum once and to start a load of laundry for me to finish later a handful of times. He was unemployed for several months during this and I worked as much as I could to cover our bills."
21. "'That happened a month ago. It's not my fault you just found out. And I've changed since then, so you need to stop living in the past.'"
22. "My previous partner told me that he cheated because he insisted that he 'thought I was going to break up with him anyways,' so he started seeing other women. I believe this was just another one of his manipulation tactics to put the blame on ME for his actions. To this day, I cannot fathom the mental gymnastics he had to do to justify his decisions...lol."
23. "'I wanted to see if my erectile dysfunction was because of you.'"
24. "'You were at the hospital for two weeks. A man has needs.'"
25. "Had a girl tell me she thought I'd be okay with it because I wasn't bothered by hearing her talk about celebrities she had crushes on. Come on, there's a substantial difference between a minor attraction to a famous person who has no idea you exist, and physically engaging in intimate activities with a dude you met at a party."
26. "'I was bored.' Our baby was 8 weeks old."
27. "A friend of mine cheated on her husband (apparently only made out with the other guy) and justified it by saying that it was the same thing as me (a single girl) going on a date with someone (a single guy) and kissing him, except that she was married."
28. "'She was my wife in our last life, and we had some unfinished karma that we had to complete in this life.'"
29. “'You should’ve let me try anal. You’re holding me back.'”
30. "'I need it for creative inspiration.'"
31. "My college roommate would cheat on his girlfriend a few times a semester, then feel awful about it and realize how much he loved his girlfriend. He started to rationalize that 'you need to cheat to stay faithful.'"
32. "'Men are wired by biology to sow their seeds broadly.'"
33. "I had one cheat because he said my breasts were too big, and another cheated because they were too small. Can't win."
34. "'He reminded me of you.'"
35. Finally: "I don't know if it's the worst excuse — in fact, it's probably the most honest answer I could have gotten. She simply said, 'I'm just a bad person.' Like, no guilt, no empathy, just, 'Yep, this is what I do.'"
People are SHAMELESSSSSSS! If you've ever received a sorry excuse like any mentioned above, I hope you've moved on from that person and are living your best life.
Note: Submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.