12 Things I Read In The Lesbian Masterdoc — The "Am I Gay?" Quiz Come To Life

Understanding attraction is harder than it seems, OK?

So for a little background, "The Lesbian Masterdoc" is a 30-page document written by Angeli Luz in 2018 that details the complexities of sexual attraction and is known for guiding women-loving-women in their journey to understand their sexuality

Find the Lesbian Masterdoc here! 

1. First things first, my entire life would have been changed if someone explained compulsory heterosexuality to me in high school.

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You've heard of heteronormativity, now allow me to introduce you to compulsory heterosexuality, which is the idea that society forces heterosexuality on people of all genders, but especially women. Since heterosexuality is so ingrained in our culture, and we often grow up thinking it's our only option, it can be difficult to determine how much of my perceived attraction to men and women alike is what I actually feel instead of what I should feel. 

2. Straight women don't think all women are objectively more attractive than men.

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I wholeheartedly believed this was true while I thought I was straight, but apparently, it’s pretty gay to think all women are just more attractive than men. 

3. There is a (huge) difference between recognizing that someone is attractive and being attracted to that person.

I spent so much time thinking that I must be attracted to specific men because I was able to recognize that they were attractive people. If straight women can recognize that Blake Lively is beautiful and maintain their straightness, then I can say that Timothée Chalamet is beautiful, and still be a lesbian. 

4. Attraction to male characters or celebrities does not necessarily mean that you are attracted to men.

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When I was in high school, I was in love with Tobias from the Divergent series. I was so in love with him that I decided I couldn't possibly be gay (teenage me clearly hadn't heard of bisexuality). Plot twist — male characters from books and movies, and even male celebrities, are completely unattainable and therefore a "safe" place to put time and energy, even subconsciously, because nothing could ever come of it. 

5. Sexual fantasies don't equate sexual desires!!!

The same way attraction to fictional characters doesn't necessarily mean attraction to the male gender, sexual fantasies can be a way to have heterosexual validation without actually having to be intimate with a man. Have you ever had a sexual fantasy about a man, but he has no defining features? For me, my dream man just existed in a vague "this is what you should be attracted to" kind of way. 

6. It's a tad fruity to lose interest in men as soon as they show interest in you.

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You mean to tell me that getting the ick every time a man shows interest in me is a gay thing? Someone please tell me again why I thought this was a straight thought process. 

7. Butterflies shouldn't feel like anxiety or nausea.

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Yes, you read that correctly. We all get nervous about dating, but that nervousness should be centered on hoping the person likes you back, not on dreading the idea that they try to make a move or get too close.

8. Sometimes confusion about sexuality leads to confusion about gender identity.

I don't know how many times as a kid I heard/said the phrase, "I would date you if I/you were a boy." I was so used to hearing that romantic love had to be straight, that the idea that two women or two men could be together didn't even occur to my gay, Midwestern brain.

9. Sexuality is complicated and it's okay to not know how you identify!

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For a lot of women, the label 'lesbian' is scary because it rejects the patriarchal forms of femininity we have been conditioned to strive for. A lot of feminine identity is based on how men perceive us, and it can be hard to determine how you see yourself without the lens of the male gaze. 

10. It's often harder to accept that you are not attracted to men than it is to accept that you are attracted to women.

So much of patriarchal society is rooted in men having power over women. Often, a woman's worth is based on how men view them, and that kind of societal conditioning often influences your own perception of yourself. 

11. It's normal to dismiss your own sexuality in your journey to discovering yourself.

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I remember telling myself I would just know if I was gay, that I wouldn't need to question it. Unfortunately, since we are so conditioned to believe we are straight, it can take a lot of self-reflection to understand our sexuality.

12. And lastly, you might find yourself grieving the person you thought you should be.

I grew up thinking I wanted a husband, kids, a white picket fence — the typical nuclear family. Realizing I was a lesbian was the moment of clarity I'd been looking for for a long time, but I still had to acknowledge and say goodbye to a dream I had (societal conditioning aside) for the first 20 years of my life. 

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