1.
my three year old niece ordering the jacket potato then crying when it arrived because she thought it was a potato wearing a jacket was the highlight of my night like
2.
When Adele said never mind, I’ll find Someone Like You, I had no idea she meant Skepta.
3.
I take your ‘first name’, and raise you my full name. https://t.co/b3K3invfiQ
4.
“So why should we hire you?” Sir my hair ain’t been done in two months.. please.
5.
i need a church. https://t.co/EocFd6l7We
6.
I met a guy called Fernando last week (who'd never heard the Abba song, he's 21) and when he first came to the UK and introduced himself to people they'd say 'can you hear the drums?' And he just thought it was a weird Manc expression and started saying it back to people
7.
By age 30 you should have: - A gym membership you pay for but don’t use - a favourite hob - anxiety
8.
Tourist: [stops for 0.006 seconds to find their ticket at the tube barriers] Londoner: can you BELIEVE this? Talk about UNPREPARED. I was BORN with an Oyster card in my hand. My first WORDS were DELAYS on the NORTHERN line via BANK. Cut me and I BLEED rats-
9.
Adele's version of Lemonade will be called A Cuppa.
10.
other people wearing double denim: - cool - 90s vibes me wearing double denim: - young farm boy with a secret - passion for manure - yee in the streets, haw in the sheets
11.
someone’s gone a bit wild on the gravy
12.
Me after I’ve had one and a half pints https://t.co/tM0CUQOnW5
13.
Cracked a joke at work and nobody laughed so I had to pretend to faint
14.
My boyfriends idea of setting me up a drawer 🤒
15.
Was so bloated on the plane home from Ibiza the girl next to me asked me when I was due so I just went along with it and said oh March to save her the embarrassment and this bitch really had the audacity to say oh looks like it’s gonna be a big baby you’re not that far along🙃🙃
16.
What's a mansplainers favourite film? Well Actually Love.
17.
So now they’re ... both called Rio Ferdinand ? https://t.co/yMeaLKUvsM