1.
just nibbling on a free sample at Costa and asked the server what the cake was and she said oh that’s just someone’s leftovers they’ve put on the counter so that’s wonderful good job me
2.
What a day
3.
my friend only shaves if she knows she’s 100% going to be having sex bc ‘there’s no point peeling a tattie if yer no going to mash it’
4.
Katy Perry: Do you ever feel like a plastic bag? 13 year old me:
5.
When you go cinema and buy popcorn and a tango ice blast: https://t.co/Vo0SC8jIgi
6.
Sometimes I think I’ve got my shit together and then I remember we still only have a cheese grater I won in a cracker
7.
omg stormzy looks like frozone https://t.co/tT7R74aasA
8.
putting your clothes in the wardrobe: - boring - organised - time consuming throwing them across The Chair: - modern art - lucky dip - giant game of buckaroo
9.
I've got 99 problems and every single one of them is my own doing because I am a massive dickhead.
10.
Ma favourite hing about my granny is that she has absolutely no concept of how a toastie machine works
11.
If you serve me a fry up with lettuce I will chin you
12.
if we’re being honest, uni is actually worth £30
13.
You know your hungover when Face ID doesn’t recognise your face.
14.
Dunno who brought this pattern into fashion but it looks like the ceiling in Trafford centre food court
15.
Lewis capaldi at the Brits is the epitome of Scottish culture. Sumdy cuttin about ripping wae a bottle a tonic talking aboot their deed gran it a gaff they’re not meanty be at
16.
I was born a yorkshire pudding But I was made in the royal gravy
17.
My customer service voice vs my real voice https://t.co/1FBTyOPIG1
18.
Mental how someone can be totally normal then soon as they’ve got a bairn they’re popping up on Facebook wi some bullshit 3 paragraph post about how rude the staff in B&M’s were
19.
“We all gonna be married and have kids by 25” Us at 25 in shoreditch