There's no denying that kids can be brutally honest — to the point where their passing statements feel like outright insults. Honestly, I would find the whole exchange to be quite hilarious until, of course, their words were directed towards me. And I bet the guardians of our youth, i.e. teachers, feel the same way.
That's why it didn't surprise me to stumble across this Reddit thread, where user u/currentlyengaged asked Aussie teachers their favourite quotable moment from this year.
"It's nearly the end of Term 3 — with either one day left or just eight days left for those breaking up next week! It's arguably the hardest term of the year and I'm certainly feeling it at the moment.
I figured it'd be nice to have a chuckle at some of the weird, wild, ridiculous or just dang cute things our students have said and written this year.
So, what's your favourite quotable moment from this year?"
Teachers were quick to respond — and as expected, some of the things these kids are saying are bold and hilarious enough to make me belly-laugh.
1. "I was recovering from a throat infection and had a husky voice. A year nine boy said, 'Miss, you sound like a man!' I replied, 'Well, at least one of us does.'"
2. "A kid stood behind me — clearly a taller kid — and said 'Oi sir, you're proper going bald, eh?' Shattered me."
—u/tbaldwin2019
3. "Oof, kids are fucking brutal, hey? Don't feel too bad, though — one of mine said my hair made me look like a grandma today. I haven't even hit 30 yet."
4. "'Umm, I can't think of it off the top of my head.' 'That's because there's nothing there sir, eh?' I'm only 27."
—u/c0nn0r_95
5. "A while ago now, but a favourite:"
"While emailing a student:
Dear student, I found your calculator left in [classroom]. It has your name on it. I've got it at my desk.
Student: Thanks, but it can't be mine. Mine's gone missing.
The student and said calculator were soon joyously reunited, much to the bewilderment of the student."
—u/mairelon
6. "I was off on maternity leave and got pregnant again, then came back seven months pregnant. My year one student immediately asked 'Didn't you have your baby yet?'"
7. "'I don't understand what we have to write about Silicon Valley' — student who has been present for three explanatory sessions on the Silk Road assessment task."
8. "Once they asked me who my high school girlfriend was and I said a sweet blonde named Melinda. One kid went 'Oh! That's Jeremy's mum's name! Everyone, sir used to root Jeremy's mum!'"
"I quickly told them to calm down and that we should move on — and someone else said 'Sir, did you do it?' I said 'Stop, we're not talking about it anymore — you took it too far' and another said 'Sir, you had sex with Jeremy's mum...'.
As I was about to cut him off, he said 'Melinda Oswald' and I went silent and was shocked, because yes, I did used to root Jeremy's mum... Literally walked right into my staffroom and got my HOD [Head of Department] to take the lesson, because it was so awkward and they caught on by my silence that it was actually her."
—u/c0nn0r_95
9. "These was my year seven students during a conversation about superheroes:"
"Student 1: What would happen if a radioactive man bit a spider?
Student 2: They would be called Manspider.
Student 1: But what would their superpowers be?
Student 3: They could pay taxes and eat kebabs.
Student 2: And watch Netflix."
10. "'Miss, can you breathe through your butthole?' The kid was in year 11."
11. "I was introducing the endocrine system and mentioned that the gonads were organs of the endocrine system. I asked where they thought the gonads were found in the body and was met with 'Are they in your throat?'. I laughed for about three solid minutes, then the students all caught on and were in hysterics too."
12. "I made the mistake of wearing my jacket's hood in some drizzle and one of my year seven students claimed that I 'looked like Yoda.'"
—u/calfcloud
13. "We were watching a video on birds and the blue tit was being commented on. Then all I hear is 'Miss, does that mean its nest is a bra?'"
14. "Teaching a high school student about tsunamis:"
"Me: What would you do if a tsunami came rushing in right now?
Student: I’d go as high as possible, so my vape doesn’t die.
They weren't technically wrong."
—u/user042973
15. "I recently had a discussion with my year eight students about hanging out in the toilets."
"Me: Think about what you do in your toilet at home. Now imagine 300 other random people doing the same thing in that toilet every day. Would you hang out with your friends in the toilet or out the back in the yard?
The kids proceeded to look at me like I was an idiot and said: Toilet, sir.
Another time when I wore my lavender shirt to school, one of my year sevens said I look like the blueberry girl from Willy Wonka."
16. "Not said, but written in an exam:"
"The question asked students to make a judgement based on a photo of discarded electronic waste beside a waterway in Nigeria. There was a 50-100 word response expected and this is what they wrote. 'Pretty bad, ngl.'"
17. "Overheard in the yard: 'He's not dead, he's deaf. Dead is when you die!'"
18. "A student told me 'You’re not as shit as Ms X'. I replied 'Well, how shit am I then?' She asked 'what?'"
"After a whispered conversation with her friend, a minute later she said 'Omg, miss! I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean it like that!'"
—u/Gr0uchPotato
19. "A student once said, 'Miss H, are you ok? Sometimes I think that being in your head must be like trying to play Boggle with a Monopoly set!'"
—u/SnaggleQuad
20. "'You should come to my house. You're a boy and I'm a boy, so we're best friends'. I heard that one in my kindergarten yesterday."
—u/MrX2285
21. "In a drum lesson with one my best students:"
"Me: Is there anything you'd like to work on?
Student: I think I'm just kinda shit.
It really has been a long term!"
22. And finally, "On a maths survey the students did:"
"The question: Does anything in mathematics make you worried?
The answer: White people."
Are you a teacher — or a student — who's heard something hilarious at school you'd like to share? Let us know in the comments!
Note: Some Reddit responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.