1. “I’m surrounded by a lot of women in this department. And that includes the men.”
2. “You may have thought you heard me say I wanted a lot of bacon and eggs, but what I said was: Give me all the bacon and eggs you have.”
3. "Never half ass two things, whole ass one thing."
4. “The whole thing is a scam. Birthdays were invented by Hallmark to sell cards.”
5. "I'm not planning to buy anything here. I buy all my hamburgers at Food and Stuff, a place equidistant from my home and work. I'm here for the same reason people go to zoos."
6. "On my death bed, my final wish is to have my ex-wives rushed to my side so I can use my dying breath to tell them both to go to Hell one last time."
7. "Leslie has a lot of qualities I find horrifying, but the worst one by far is how thoughtful she can be."
8. “Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets.”
9. “America: The only country that matters. If you want to experience other ‘cultures,’ use an atlas or a ham radio.”
10. “Friends: one to three is sufficient.”
11. "There’s only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that’s lying about being milk."
12. "When I eat, it is the food that is scared."
13. "Because that doesn't exist, because that's nonsense, because you're an adult"
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