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12 Things All Non-Soccer Fans Think During The FIFA World Cup

Besides wondering if it ever ends.

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1. I thought FIFA was a video game?


So is the FIFA World Cup like the video game championship? Kidding, I'm not actually that stupid. But really, why do they have the same name? The 2014 NBA Championship wasn't called NBA 2K14. The Superbowl isn't called the Maddenbowl. Do you see where I'm going with this?

I think it's all just a conspiracy to confuse non-soccer fans.

2. So these aren't the players' normal teams?


All six of these guys play for the same team, FC Barcelona... well at least they usually do. Yet during the World Cup, the tables are turned and as natives of three different countries (Brasil - Neymar and Alves, Argentina - Alexis and Claudio Bravo, Chile - Messi and Mascherano) they are forced to play as opponents rather than teammates.

Most Americans have heard of teams like Arsenal and Manchester United, and players such as Ronaldo and Beckham but most couldn't match the player to the team if their life depended on it. Add this to a total rearrangement of all teams and you have a complete and total clusterfuck.

3. I thought we sucked at soccer?


We don't suck, we're actually ranked 13th in the FIFA World Ranking System. But given the American population's general apathy towards the sport, you can't blame non-fans for assuming we suck.

5. Or Landon Dovovan?


You'd have to live under a rock to not at least be aware of the controversy over Landon Donavan's World Cup snub. And while there are people on both sides of the argument, I have no desire to discuss it. The fact is, as one of the few recognizable names on the US team, even non-fans are gonna notice.

6. What the hell is that mascot?


No really, what the hell is it? Even if you're a soccer fan, I'm willing to bet you have no idea what in God's name that thing is. Unless you're Brazilian, in which case I blame you for this strange creature.

Apparently it's an armadillo, and he even has a name: Fuleco - which is allegedly some fusion of the words futebol and ecologia. Yes, the World Cup mascot is more eco friendly than you.

While we're on the subject, the World Cup has a history of random cartoonish mascots that you can see here. At least Fuleco isn't as weird as 1982's Spanish mascot Naranjito, which was literally an orange holding a soccer ball. Yes, they chose an orange as their mascot.

7. How the hell is the final score 1-0?


This is one of non-soccer fans biggest gripes about the sport. 90 minutes + stoppage time of men running back and forth with no more than 5 truly exciting moments a game. In my totally unbiased (ok slightly biased) opinion, if you have 90 minutes to kick a ball into the goal, your score should be far more than 1.

8. They can tie?!?


Any sport that allows for ties pisses me off. I didn't just sit through hours of rooting for my team to tie. I would honestly rather watch my team lose - in a tie there's no closure. I get that in this case a draw still counts as 1 point as opposed to 0, but it's still so damn anticlimactic.

Especially considering the immense hype that surrounds the World Cup, watching your team tie would be a major effing buzzkill.

9. I believe that we will win


Where did this chant come from? Why don't we use it in every sport? Sure it sounds kinda weak if one or a few people recite it, but when it's chanted throughout an entire stadium, it sounds pretty awesome.

10. The fans are crazy


Fans' absurd attire and certifiably crazy behavior is World Cup tradition. Is there something in the water? Are they all on something? Or are they really just high off the adrenaline of watching their national sports team compete? Either way, to non-fans, the face paint, full body costumes and incessant screaming can be the most entertaining part of the game.

But the amount of effort put into it, it kinda makes you wonder if a) they're really there just for the soccer and b) if they're legitimately crazy.

11. What's with all the flopping?


Soccer players could teach Lebron a thing or two about the art of the flop. Flopping is an easy way to manipulate referees into making calls in your favor, but it's a cowardly, unsportsmanlike behavior. More importantly hasn't anyone ever told them how dumb they look?

So soccer players are getting paid millions of dollars to run around in circles, score maybe one or two goals in 90 minutes, and spend the rest of the time overreacting to every minor interaction with an opponent by flailing around on the ground to cheat their way into favorable calls.

Sports Illustrated calls flopping a "horrible affront to machismo", a description I tend to agree with. However, I generally prefer to call it just plain stupid.

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