1. Green vine snake:
You are the spaghetti version of Kermit the Frog. I could tie my boots with you, you blade of grass with a face.
2. Spiny bush viper
Nooo, how did you crawl off a fourth grader's t-shirt? You look like you'd ride a motorcycle if only you could reach the gears. You are a spiny Ed Hardy tattoo but worse.
3. Long-nosed whip snake
Who made you sideways? You look like you tried to squeeze through an automatic door at the last minute. I want to decorate my bathroom with your green and white tiles and then rip them out a year later because they give me a headache.
4. Barbados thread snake
Worm! You are a worm with bones! Please fertilize my garden!
5. African egg-eating snake
You are a ruptured balloon animal with abysmal table manners. Do not come to my house ever.
6. Golden Tree Snake
When you fly you look like a bra strap that a crazed Bon Jovi fan flung on stage. Stay on the ground, you arrogant, wanna-be long bird.
7. Reticulated python
Who climbs like that!!! You look like a sentient spring from a children's movie about talking junk yard scraps. Stop scaring the squirrels!
8. Tentacle snake
Ew!!! You are a wet log with a bad mustache. I pray for the day I run into you in a truck stop bathroom so I can flush you down the toilet so fast it makes your moldy antennae spin.
9. Regal ringneck snake
You are an abandoned art project. Someone ran out of spray paint when they were making you. I like your necklace though.
10. Madagascar leaf-nosed snake
It's like you got to the end of your own face and forgot to stop being a snake. Please use some moisturizer before you molest another innocent tree branch.
11. Blunthead tree snake
Hahahaha, stop!!! Stop!!! Who let you out of the Disney channel? Are you even a real snake or are you two tennis balls tied to a string?