Okay, “earmuffs” off… press PLAY.
1. Green Day - “Longview”
“Hey Mom, can you turn this up? I really identify with the lackadaisical plight of Gen-X boredom to the point of being unable to get off of my couch or stop indulging in everything I shouldn’t… except I’m eight years old.”
2. Meredith Brooks - “Bitch”
You’ll never forget the time you got your dessert taken away for a week because you dropped “the B-word” during a heated game of four square during recess — but you’ll never know your mom was secretly kind of proud you learned it in such a feminist context.
3. Grease - “Look At Me, I’m Sandra Dee”
Your mom probably got a phone call you still don’t know about when your best friend’s mom figured out you were the self-appointed singing Rizzo of your friend group before 5th grade graduation.
4. Weezer - “Hash Pipe”
I mean you HAD to have known there’s practically only one word that rhymes with “Hash Pipe” when that’s already questionable enough from the mouths of babes.
5. Limp Bizkit - “Break Stuff”
“No, Mom, I’ll send MYSELF to my room tonight.”
6. Marcy Playground - “Sex and Candy”
I fell in love with a stranger through a druggy haze… and now a “sweet” mistaken metaphor has mistakenly made the situation sound cute.
7. Christina Aguilera, Lil’ Kim, Mya, Pink - “Lady Marmalade”
All those months spent memorizing lyrics that honored ladies of the night…
8. Suzanne Vega - “Luka”
While you were singing about sweet Luka, you probably failed to realize he REALLY needs your help.
9. Anything by The Bloodhound Gang
It’s a good thing their subjective reign of terror ended with a one-hit-wonder, because anything beyond the already-rowdy “Bad Touch” would have surely gotten our mouths washed out with soap.
10. Rolling Stones – “Brown Sugar”
It should come as no surprise that Mick is NOT singing about the secret ingredient to your favorite chocolate chip cookies.
11. Ben Folds Five - “Brick”
That piano melody sure is gorgeous, but the couple Sir Folds sings about is miserable and probably lives somewhere where the sun never shines.
12. The Police – “Roxanne”
It doesn’t matter how big of a crush your mom STILL has on Sting — you’ve been singing about him trying to save a hooker since you had training wheels.
13. Dave Matthews Band – “Crash Into Me”
This little boy’s dream is quite a scandalous one — you just didn’t realize it until way later in life.
14. City High – “What Would You Do?”
This enduring song of strife is the closest thing you got to “the city” while sitting in the carpool lane.
15. The Offspring – “Come Out and Play”
Nothing like a little spoken word about the casual neighborhood gang war.
16. Sugar Ray – “Every Morning”
According to this song, all it takes is a bright melody and a pretty face to cover up how much you’ve been creeping around. PSSSST… to the girl he’s singing to: HE’S CHEATING ON YOU.
17. Third Eye Blind – “Semi-Charmed Life”
This song is about literally all of the drugs, but mostly meth.
18. Spice Girls – “2 Become 1”
The most subversive math problem practiced outside of your 4th grade classroom. How is it possible? Oh, it’s possible.
20. TLC – “Waterfalls”
Your dad started to get worried about you and your high school years as soon as the second verse ended. Guaranteed.