The Steak Fry – Heterosexual
It's like, I want to be nice about this, but I don't know how: steak fries are a little boring. They really only "go" with the one thing (steak, duh). Which is great and all, it's just that they don't only come with steak. Sometimes they come with chicken or fish or like a frickin salad; they come alongside basically everything. I'm not hating here folks, I'm just saying: let's make room for some new fries. There are enough dishes to go round – know what I mean?
The Shoestring Fry – Bisexual
The most universal of all French fries, the shoestring fry is all about equal opportunity. They go well with everything. Cheese, chili, gravy, ladies, dudes, a variety of dips – you name it, they're cool with it, and will probably taste delicious no matter what they're paired with.
(Note: Author does not intend for any person or persons to actually cover a bisexual in gravy and/or dip them in delicious condiments. Unless it's consensual, in which case carry on.)
The Crinkle Cut Fry – Gay
It's like a shoestring fry, but more specialized and with more kinks.
The Waffle Fry – Lesbian
A non-conforming fry that is having none of your restrictive shapeism. You'll take this criss-crossy circle fry and you will LIKE IT.
The Sweet Potato Fry – Asexual
This is a unique fry in that it possesses a slightly different taste than every other fry. This is a calm fry – a collected fry. This fry is not going nuts at the sight of other fries. The sweet potato fry doesn't mess around or hook up with other foods at parties because the sweet potato fry is concerned with compatibility and connection with its dish and when it plays, it plays to win. We could all stand to be a little more like the sweet potato fry.
The Curly Fry – Transgender
The curly fry is an accepting fry; a fry to unify, you might say. The curly fry is so good not because it's curly necessarily, although that comes with its own set of perks – what makes the curly fry so awesome is the wide range of curls and swirls within the curly fry family itself. It could be a curly-Q, it could be a tight spring, it could be a tiny wisp of curliness. Don't matter. All curls are welcome here, and every curl counts!
The Home Fry – Non-binary
This fry cannot be bothered with pesky things like definitions and rules and cultural norms. It's both a fry and a breakfast potato mash – or is it neither fry nor potato mash? Either way it's delicious so everyone should just build a big rainbow bridge and get right on over it.
The Potato Wedge – Pansexual
I know, I know. We're teetering on the edge of fry-dom here. Like do these really even need a name? Aren't they just potatoes? The answer is yeah okay, maybe they're just potatoes, but at the end of the day aren't all fries just potatoes? Potato wedges are just more up front, more into the core values of a fry than the shape or preferences of said fry. Besides, I dare you to name a food that wouldn't be improved by a potato wedge.
That's right, you can't.