Chris Christie recently got his stomach stapled. He should have asked me for advice. I'd have told him to grow a moustache or a beard instead.
It's a lot cheaper.
All you need are some trimmers.
And, just look at this facial hair.
Here's Taft when he was president.
And here's Taft the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.
Christie is much fatter than Taft, if he only had some, even just comparably awesome facial hair, the presidency is his to lose!
This guy's name is Edwin Stanton. He was Lincoln's "God of War".
Actually, most of Lincoln's Cabinet had pretty baller beards.
Grover Cleveland won the presidency with badass facial hair on two non consecutive occasions.
And I can't leave out the original badass, Theodore Roosevelt.
His moustache alone could whoop the ass of any army on earth.