Dear Belgium, thank you from the bottom of my heart and beer glass, quite literally. You have given me a beautiful wife and daughter, many wonderful friends, and the best ales I have ever tasted.
But, sorry dear friend, you have also caused me so much anguish over the past two decades, often verging on torture.
My ordeal started the very day I arrived in the country 20 years ago. There I was sitting on the terrace of a cafe in Hasselt - a town I had never heard of three days earlier - nervously waiting for the gorgeous Limburg girl I had met in London.
It was a glorious summer afternoon. After the waiter had placed my first ever Belgian beer on the table - so elegantly presented too - he waved an arm across the Grote Markt and declared, in perfect English: "You don't have sunshine like this in Britain, eh?"
"Sorry?" I spluttered, almost choking on my first mouthful of nectar from the world's greatest breweries.
He answered: "It's always raining in your country, yes?"
Shamefully, I just smiled and nodded. Obviously the man was an untravelled lunatic. Of course, I should have told him about the countless holidays in abundant sunshine I had enjoyed in the UK; or, indeed, the glorious summer's evening in London when the lovely Katelijne walked into my life.
But I have never forgotten his words because they made a humorous and memorable ice-breaker when my future wife arrived minutes later, and even today they still make us giggle.
"You never have sunshine in Britain" one of us will joke whilst sweltering on a British beach.
However, two decades later, having met hundreds of Belgians down the years, I can assure you that waiter was no uneducated, untravelled Limburg bumpkin. He was totally typical of many Belgians, of all backgrounds, in his warped view of life in the UK.
The final straw came this Easter when my wife and I were staying at the stunning contemporary home of a Belgian friend, who is an architect. His wife said to me: "Graham, you don't have modern homes in Britain, do you?"
That was it. On the drive back to the Tunnel, dodging your kamikaze drivers, I said to my wife "enough is enough". I was going to write an article addressing the most common strange impressions of the UK I had heard from Belgian lips down the years.
Let's start with the most bizarre Belgian observation I hear constantly about Britain, which causes me the most frustration because I think the UK coastline is one of the best and most varied in the world.
"British beaches are all stony, aren't they?"
As you know Belgium has 66 km of coastline, how long is Britain's do you think? 1,000 kilometres? 5,000? Not even close. The coastline of the whole UK, including all the hundreds of little islands, is actually 31,368 kms long, more than double that of France, Spain and Italy. Yes, we have stony beaches, hundreds of them; even one - Chesil Beach - which is 29 kms long. We also have thousands of miles of sandy beaches, which are often voted among the best in the world. I grew up in Wales so I am a bit of a beach "snob". As I travel the world I rarely find beaches to compare with the Welsh beaches I still enjoy to this day, such as Rhossili, Barafundle Bay, Tenby, Pendine Sands and many more. Google them, they're stunning. We Brits always say If we had Mediterranean weather,we would never go abroad. Unfortunately, we don't, which brings me to the next issue...
"It's always raining in Britain"
Now, be warned, you are going to be shocked. According to online data Belgium is actually about 200mm wetter overall than England, where 85 per cent of the UK's 63 million population live. However, rainfall in Wales and Scotland is almost double that of Belgium. So why does England have such a worldwide reputation for being so wet? My theory is it is due to the weather being so changeable because everywhere in Britain is within a short drive of the sea. We always joke you can have four seasons in a single day in Britain. It can be pouring down one minute and then sparkling sunshine the next. This always amazes foreigners. However, in Belgium I have noticed the weather is more static. Rain hangs around for a few days and so does sunshine. I'm still not sure which climate I prefer.
"Britain is so old fashioned"
It must be such a shock when a Belgian arrives in Britain for the first time and discovers the roads are not clogged with horse-drawn carriages and the people dressed like Sherlock Holmes. I accept we Brits have only ourselves to blame for this time-warped view of our country when we keep exporting television shows like Downton Abbey, and the new historical hit Poldark. So here are a few surprising facts about Britain, which will hopefully bring your old-fashioned view of the UK up to date. Firstly, Britain has the most advanced online economy in the world. We spend more per head through the internet than any other country; in fact, double the average in the OECD, and actually twice the spend per head of Belgium. Secondly, each year the UK registers about a quarter of all the industrial patents in the EU, and as many per head of population as Germany. Thirdly, Britain has probably contributed more innovations and discoveries that have shaped the modern world than any other country, such as the television, polyester, DNA, radar, Boolean algebra (the basis for digital logic), microchips, the jet engine, the world wide web (yes, Tim Berners Lee is British). And what would life be like without the dishwasher, lightbulbs, lawnmowers, flushing toilets, and the electric toaster and toothbrush. Yes, we Brits love our traditions but not at the expense of the future.
"Your National Health Service is awful"
A lot of British people would agree with you - until they have to go to hospital, and experience our beloved National Health Service first hand. Patient satisfaction rates for the NHS are the envy of many large companies in the UK. In January this year the British Social Attitudes survey reported that 65 per cent of British people were very satisfied or quite satisfied with the NHS, a five per cent increase on the year before. And in 2014 the NHS was named best health system in the world by the Washington-based Commonwealth Fund which analyses health systems around the world. The NHS scored highest for quality, access and efficiency; and, in fact, came top in eight of the 11 measures of care the Fund looked at. And, don't forget, the NHS is free for all, whether or not you pay tax.
"Brits are cold and unemotional"
It's true we Brits are proud of our so-called "stiff upper lip" which means we react coldly to adversity and disaster, like being bombed every night by the Nazis or being served lukewarm tea. In reality, British people are deeply emotional people. Just remember the huge outpouring of grief when Princess Diana died in 1997. And few Scots, Welsh, or anybody from the northern half of England could ever be described as "cold". British sports fans are also some of the most passionate worldwide, especially when it comes to soccer. And when was the last time you were called "darling" or "sweetheart" by a shop assistant in Belgium? Come to Britain, and experience romantic retailing. Little endearments between total strangers always surprise foreigners visiting or settling in Britain. My Flemish wife is still charmed by this 12 years after coming to Britain. For instance, the driver of our local bus greets female passengers with "Morning love". The British are also massive huggers. Admittedly, those from an upper class, privately-educated background can be haughty and aloof, but this usually dissolves after one or two drinks. As the American travel writer Paul Theroux once said, "The British are Romans in the process of becoming Italians."
"The British are the worst Europeans"
"Those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones" is a favourite expression in Britain when you want to call someone a hypocrite. For instance, you could say it to a Belgian when he or she accuses the British of being the worst country in Europe for disobeying European laws and regulations. But did you know that between 2007 and 2011 the UK lost 14 cases for failing to implement European laws, while Germany lost 24, France 36, Spain 56 and Italy 66. So who would you say are the worst Europeans?
"British food is terrible"
If you've said this 20 years ago, few Brits would have disagreed with you. But Britain has experienced a food revolution in recent decades. Chefs like Jamie Oliver, Gordon Ramsey and Nigella Lawson have become worldwide superstars. Cooking shows are the most popular on television, and the quality and range of food you will find in our towns and cities is outstanding. Farmers' markets are everywhere and it seems as if every town in the UK has its annual food festival. I would also claim the food served in our local pubs, particularly those in English villages, is generally better than what you will find in local cafes in France. Now that's a controversial statement!
"You all love your Queen and royal family"
Did you know we Brits cut off our King's head more than 100 years before the French? And as recently as 1936 we made a king abdicate because he wouldn't do as he was told. Yes, the British love their monarchy, especially Queen Elizabeth who is revered because she has not put a foot wrong or said a word out of place during 63 years on the throne. But the British can be fickle lovers of their royals. In a survey in 2013 almost half of British people said the country would NOT be worse off without a monarch.
"The British economy is weak"
Up to about two years ago this would have been true, but no longer. More jobs have been created in the UK over the past five years than in the rest of the EU put together. Our economy is growing faster than any other in the Western world and just last month Britain overtook France again as the second largest economy in Europe and we are forecast to overtake Germany during the next 30 years. Britain is booming again and we are waiting for the Eurozone to catch up.
"The British are fat, ugly and badly dressed"
Compared to you Belgians, this is probably true.
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