Expendables 3 is the dumbest and guiltest pleasure ride you'll take all year
So John Rambo, Indiana Jones, The Terminator T-800, Blade, The Transporter, Ivan Drago and El Mariachi walk into a bar, crack jokes and have a few drinks. That isn't some weird fantasy but a scene that actually happens and may be one of the more ridiculous sights in the entire movie. This is bizarre given how cartoonish the movie really is. The geriatric all stars are back for another installment in the second installment in the throwback action series, with an even more insane final action sequence than before that would make 80s action lovers proud.
Barney Ross (Sylvester Stallone) leads his team of expendables Lee Christmas (Jason Statham), Doc (Wesley Snipes), Gunner Jensen (Dolph Lundgren), Toll Road (Randy Couture) and Hale Caesar (Terry Crews) against a former founding member of the expendables Conrad Stonebanks (Mel Gibson) who is now a ruthless arms dealer and wants to end the expendables once and for all. But Barney realizes he needs new blood so with the help of a mercenary Bonaparte (Kelsey Grammer), he enlists John Smilee (Kellan Lutz), Luna (Ronda Rousey), Thorn (Glen Powell) and Mars (Victor Ortiz) to join the team. He also has the aid of Galgo (Antonio Banderas), Yin Yang (Jet Li), Trench Mauser (Arnold Schwarzenegger) and Max Drummer (Harrison Ford) to help him kill thousands. If that sounds bloated beyond belief, that's because it is. The story is as basic as can be. New meets old, revenge, old foe back from the dead and cheesiness used with much aplomb. But when it's used with such self-awareness to films they've made that took over the action genre over twenty years ago and their own careers, it's somewhat endearing in its own way. I can't help but not care about the trivialities and stupid plot that is ever-present throughout the movie. Action movies today aren't big, dumb, violent and nonchalant like they were in the 80s, and sometimes I wish they were. With so many adult action films aiming to be more realistic in the lines of the Jason Bourne series, it lost its kid like heart. More importantly with the box office and critical successes of comic book films, it makes the shoot 'em up action film a rarity every day. These days you would see more PG-13 action movies that you would R rated action movies which is a shame to anyone who grew up on violent action films.
This was probably the best way to utilize such a huge cast full of legends and athletes. You could only fit so much into one movie and give enough screen time for each character. One should expect for most if not all of the characters to be underdeveloped with a story that is clearly lazy, even with a running time of over two hours. We shouldn't be expecting too much with films like these and realize what were all going into. Out of the immensely epic cast, only Banderas and Ford made it worthwhile. Banderas was funny, sweet, charismatic and had a simply told story that will make you care. I forgot how much fun he can be in an action environment. Ford brought his usual gruff demeanour and has oddly comedic timing, especially when trying to understand Statham's British accent. The action hero's gleefully played into the meta-ness of the movie, giving it that needed relaxed feel. The younger team performed admirably and did their part to feel like they deserved to be with the legendary group but was rather ho hum for the most past. It was cool to see Rousey kick some ass though, more so than the guys. I loved seeing Snipes back in action and even spoofs himself much like Chuck Norris did in the second installment. It just felt like old times when watching these guys on-screen shooting everything up. Even Grammer didn't feel that out of place among muscle heads. Schwarzenegger even yells an iconic line from one of his classic films that just reeks of tongue in cheek. I couldn't have asked for anything more. That one line made the entire movie worthwhile. Gibson also made it work as he played a good scenery chewing villain. I forget how crazy he can be on-screen but he really gets into it and seems to be having a ton of fun playing opposite Stallone. The entire movie felt like a long running gag between the cast. Everyone cracked cheesy, stupid jokes and constantly hammed it up like school was back in session. It felt like a beer commercial and I loved all of it.
The final insanely long action sequence has the expendables take on a literal army, full of tanks, helicopters, infantry and even guys on dirt bikes. It's so highly illogical that it's crazy it even got made. It reminded me of the final action sequence in Tango & Cash where cartoon mayhem ran supreme. It goes well beyond the insanity that many of these action legends have built and made famous decades ago. It's easy to just shrug off the idiocy of a man running from an explosion or a dirt bike flying through the air, but it was too easy for me to just enjoy it. They kill thousands of men but never once did anyone take a bullet or even a graze. But it shouldn't matter because it's not meant to reinvent the genre. The action and story was just as dumb as the first and second one. Expecting something different is simply a fool's errand.
The PG-13 rating did take a lot of the fun, almost squeezed every bit of it. The moment the opening credits rolled, I couldn't forget that it's PG-13. It felt too awkward to see these guys who made billions off of gory R rated violence in a PG-13 throwback 80s movie. It felt so hypocritical to long-time fans of their films. The editing felt like a patch job or a crudely made puzzle. You could clearly see when someone was going to kill a guy then the camera quickly goes somewhere else. It got to be distracting where the impact of kills was lessened to a huge degree. Blood splattering, f bombs and violent deaths are the elements that make dumb movies like these feel special. It felt really incomplete; much like Live Free Or Die Hard did when it got the rating. It makes no sense to change it to a more accessible rating since R rated action films like 22 Jump Street was a hit, making $300 million worldwide and many underage kids watch R rated films regardless of ratings. It was a simple money ploy to reach a wider audience and suddenly Stallone kicking Bruce Willis out of the expendables because he asked for too much money doesn't make much sense.
This should only be recommended for the most ardent action die-hards. It will only fall on deaf ears to others. In an action landscape dominated by gritty and fantasy entrenched worlds, it's refreshing to see one where hammy jokes, cartoon action and a flat story are prevalent. While it may not be nowhere near as dominant as it once was, there should be no reason why more movies like this can't be made. Too many action films take themselves way too seriously and the constant darkness can get a little boring. Comic book films counteract that but as great as they've been; I always hunger for some of the old school and have an inert bloodlust for violence on screen. It is a genre that shouldn't be put to pasture just yet. Three and a half invincible action heroes with unlimited ammo out of five.
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