The Ten Most Difficult Foods To Give Up On A Diet And How To Replace Them

I am not in shape. I rarely exercise, I eat everything I see and I never sleep. So as a new and “fun” summer challenge, I decided to go on a diet. Not a “eat nothing but veggies” diet, but more of a “stop eating all that nasty junk you always put in your body and replace it with something better for you” diet. I want to take care of myself, and I was not doing that two weeks ago. This is for the editorial fellowship.

Iced Coffee

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Iced coffee is not only delicious, but is the beverage that wakes me up in the morning. And not that gross, black, tasteless crap either. I like my coffee sweet and loaded with sugar in every form: Splenda, syrup, flavored cream—the works!

Replace it with: Water

Face it. Nothing is quite as delectable as Dunkin Donuts Butter Pecan Iced Coffee with cream, sugar and whipped cream. So, don’t try. Caffeinated tea is fooling itself by suggesting it can compare.

Chocolate

I am a person who was born with not one, two or three sweet teeth… but 31 (the last tooth is reserved exclusively for lasagna). Chocolate is the all mighty food god. I ate 13 chocolate chip cookies at Christmas one year—hence the diet.

Replace it with: Dark Chocolate

It won’t taste nearly as good and you won’t be able to find any that’s not filled with a bunch of other unhealthy crap, but hey--It’s the thought that counts.

Pasta

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Call me Garfield, because I cannot eat enough lasagna. It is delicious and not-so-nutritious. It’s just like chicken alfredo, spaghetti, ravioli and all other pastas worthy of shoving down my gullet. Too bad pasta is “loaded with carbs.”

Replace it with: Vegetable Pasta

That’s right. Choose the worst vegetable or lentil ever planted, and BAM! There is your pasta. I personally put chickpea pasta in my pantry. yum?

Chips and Dip

I thoroughly enjoy a big ass bowl of queso, light on the chips.  You know who doesn’t like dip? MY STUPID ASS DIET APP THAT GIVES IT A FROWNY FACE. Yes, my diet app gives me frowny or smiley faces depending on how healthy my meal choices are.  

Replace it with: HUMMUS AND PRETZELS

Here is a healthy choice I can consume without hating myself. Is there a person in this world who doesn’t like hummus? Because if you don’t, you deserve to be on a diet for the rest of your terrible life. You probably like chickpea pasta. Jerk.

Ice Cream

Oh, how I yearn for a mountainous bowl of cotton candy ice cream with 800 sprinkles and a cherry on top. Ice cream, why must you hurt me like that? Teeth 25-31 are reserved for my chilly bae.

Replace it with: Greek Yogurt

And when I say Greek yogurt, I mean Greek yogurt. Not frozen yogurt. Apparently, anything mildly delicious is filled with fake sugars. Throw some fruit inside some Greek yogurt while staring at a picture of ice cream, and maybe it will have the same effect.

Pizza

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Replace it with: Pizza

You’re crazy if you think I’m giving up pizza.

Pancheros

I am a lover of a big, ol’ burrito smothered with queso, guacamole, chicken and lots of other gooey deliciousness—especially if I’ve had a few dirty shirleys prior. But the burrito is big and greasy and loaded with lots of things my body does not like. *cries*

Replace it with: Chipotle (which is supposed to be healthy)

HAHAHAHA. Yeah right.

Mac n Cheese

I count mac and cheese and pasta as separate entities because I consume mac and cheese daily. As a broke college student, I live solely on mac and cheese and jimmy johns. The latter being incredible, but something of which I am not attached. Mac and Cheese is great in any form: Easy Mac, Velveeta, Auntie Anne’s—even as Raquel’s cheese pasta. I’ve never, at any point during any day, not wanted a warm bowl of mac n cheese.

Replace it with: Cottage Cheese

Eh, cottage cheese is okay.

French Fries

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I cry about 10 times a day. And I’m not being hyperbolic. I truly cry at everything: a mean text , a cute dog video, every time I remember who our president is… everything. So, it means something when I say 5/10 cries of my day are because I don’t have fries in my mouth.

Replace it with:  Kale/Kale Chips

LOL. NO ONE LIKES KALE AND IF YOU DO YOU ARE A DIRTY, MEDIA-CONSUMED LIAR!

Alcoholic Beverages

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10. Alcoholic Beverages

I recently turned 21 which makes this whole “diet” thing extra hard. ALL I WANT IS A DAMN FROZEN MUDSLIDE (the alcoholic version of my yummy iced coffees). DIETING IS SO HARD.

Replace it with: Mojitos? Diet and rum?

I’ve read everything related to how to drink and be healthy. There is not even a semi-pleasurable option. They all suck. You will not be satisfied with anything I tell you.

So, there you have it. Dieting sucks. No options are good. Healthy food is gross. The world is out to get us.

Good luck!