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    24 Hysterical Tweets That Will Make You Say "Me On A First Date"

    "I'll just wait in the car."


    [first date] ok dont let them know i stalked them online them: my aunt-- me: theresa or sharon


    FIRST DATE TIP: Always get the door for them. Rip it out of its hinges, plow right through it, burn it down. Show how much you hate doors.


    Me after a first date: please send me details of your time and place of birth so I can check our charts for astrological compatibility


    DATE: um, hi nice to meet y- ME: *muffled by my jousting helmet* you are a small and weak man


    "so, in summation, that's why I choose to believe Men In Black is a documentary" date: are u gonna order any food or what


    fun date idea: we go to the animal shelter and adopt every dog


    running out of things to talk about on a first date:


    DATE: do u really need that ME: [struggling to force legs in high chair] oh right like im just gonna sit where I could fall over any minute


    waiter, please fill my glass completely to the top until a meniscus forms & then pour the rest of the wine into my purse. thank you


    *lights dim in restaurant* DATE: did it just become sexier in here? ME: I CAN'T SEE MY MENU



    *slides single piece of paper across table* please build a paper airplane you have three minutes to impress me


    [on first date] I think we need some time apart


    *pulls out binder* which of these dogs in sweaters is your favorite?


    DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool


    *me on a date* soooo... what's ur favorite meme


    When u stalk all of his social media accounts & you gotta pretend not to know everything about him on the first date


    [On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot] "I'll just wait in the car."


    make your date feel important by asking lots of questions and holding an invisible mic to her mouth for every answer


    guys find it sexy when a girl eats so much she has to lie down in the restaurant


    I have a first date tonight and I accidentally sent a screenshot of the guy's profile TO THE GUY PLS BURN ME ALIVE


    My idea of a perfect date is to share a 100 pack of chicken nuggets together and complain about everything we hate.


    [first date] Him: Tell me about yourself Me: WELL, i didn’t wear a bra with my dress today so all my boob sweat dripped onto my feet


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