back to top

We Tried Edible Body Paint And It Was Grosser Than You Ever Imagined

And yes, the red one looks like blood.

Posted on
Taylor Miller / Buzzfeed

This is the time of year when, traditionally, couples everywhere are forced to wonder: "Am I doing enough sex stuff with food?"

Be it sexily crumbly chocolate covered strawberries or cans of sticky whipped cream, Big Romance encourages us to make a mess of ourselves and our beds each Valentine's Day.

Among the newer varieties of "sexy" "snack": edible body paint.

We decided to test one type (and three flavors) of edible body paint to find out if it:

1. Tastes good.

2. Works as a paint.

3. Goes on/comes off easily.

First, we applied each flavor to our wrists, using the witches' broom-style foam applicator included with each bottle.

Taylor Miller

The results were visually upsetting.

Taylor Miller
Advertisement

First flavor up? Strawberries & champagne, AKA "the one that looks like blood."

Taylor Miller

Though disturbing in appearance, and shockingly sweet, the strawberries & champagne paint went down fairly easily.

Taylor Miller

Overall, we liked it!

Would paint on wrists and lick again.
Taylor Miller

Would paint on wrists and lick again.

Next up: Chocolate.

At this point, we were falsely excited, having been pleasantly surprised by the taste of the strawberries & champagne.
Taylor Miller

At this point, we were falsely excited, having been pleasantly surprised by the taste of the strawberries & champagne.

Advertisement

While some of us (Katie) thought the chocolate tasted not unlike Tootsie Rolls, most of us were not fans.

Taylor Miller

Sarah and Joanna both thought the chocolate had a metallic aftertaste.

It also looks like poop.

Finally, we tried the vanilla chocolate, also known as "the one that looks like jizz."

Taylor Miller

Reactions were ... mixed.

Taylor Miller

Grace and Joanna were horrified, but Sarah did not mind it, and Katie thought it was, like the others, pretty good.

THE PAINT TEST

Taylor Miller
Advertisement

The red still pretty much just looked like blood.

Taylor Miller

For certain people — couples with a shared love for the horror genre, for instance — this may be a positive thing. Blood that tastes vaguely of berries!

The chocolate was extremely streaky — so much so that Grace's message became illegible.

Taylor Miller

It was supposed to say "Will you marry me?" but anyone who sees that question written out in this chocolate paint is 100% going to say no.

Here Sarah attempts to used mixed media to paint a penis and a butt. Neither turns out great.

Taylor Miller

And the vanilla looked like ... well.

Again, not necessarily a bad thing, in a body paint! Just, something to note.
Taylor Miller

Again, not necessarily a bad thing, in a body paint! Just, something to note.

Advertisement

Finally, we invited an actual artist (BuzzFeed illustrator Will Varner) to test out the paint, to see if HE could make it work.

Taylor Miller

One artist-rendered chocolate arm dick, please.

The answer? Not really.

The paint still drips a lot, even in the hands of an expert. It's simply too thin to be used as an effective artist's tool. Will is definitely better than us at drawing dicks, though.
Taylor Miller

The paint still drips a lot, even in the hands of an expert. It's simply too thin to be used as an effective artist's tool.

Will is definitely better than us at drawing dicks, though.

CONCLUSIONS

Taylor Miller

1. This body paint will make you look like you're covered in various bodily fluids. Whether that's good or bad is up to you. The drippy consistency makes it a little hard to paint with, but it does add a certain gritty realness if you want it to look like a murder.

2. Strawberries and champagne was the winner of the taste test. But if you decide to paint it on your face, it WILL leave a red stain that's hard to wash off. But maybe it's worth it to look like you're making a true love blood oath.

3. Use your paint conservatively. You don't want to be in a situation where you've put too much paint on your partner. Because if it's gross, you'll be forced to lick off a lot more than you want to.

4. Before you use the body paint, make sure you really like your partner. The flavors are gross and you should only lick them off a body belonging to someone you're willing to go through that for.

Happy Valentine's Day, paint lickers.