1.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer...
2.
birds do it, bees do it, even educated fleas do it. let's do it, let's poop mid-air.
3.
is it true that you've been a very good boy
4.
did i ever tell you guys about the time we asked our HS teacher what he'd name a racehorse, & he said, w/out hesitation, "santa's boyfriend"
5.
FAKE BREEDS I'VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
6.
frogs googling "bugs how to find lots of bugs at night time delicious "
7.
"my house sure is quiet. i wish something was here yelling at me 100% of the time" -someone right before they get a bird
8.
*parents come into my room* "We need to talk to you… We think you're an owl." *turns neck all the way around to face them* "Who- I MEAN WHY"
9.
today a 6 yr old girl asked me if butterflies are flowers that escaped & i was like yo what is yr twitter handle
10.
![[sees fly]
Hmm... I think I'll name this creature "Fly."
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT](https://pbs.twimg.com/profile_images/643198049477488644/FN35KYqD_normal.jpg)
[sees fly] Hmm... I think I'll name this creature "Fly." [sees bird] GODDAMMIT
11.
some cats are like "i hate this dumb name you gave me." but i like the ones that are clearly saying "FOOLS! COWER BEFORE THE IRE OF WAFFLES"
12.
Do storks carry anything else or are they just like obsessed with babies
13.
I wonder if caterpillars know they're gonna fly some day or they just start building a cocoon and are like 'why am I doing this'.
14.
The fact that we know chameleons exist means they are worthless idiot failures
15.
Duck internet search history: Bread Bread pudding? what is "breadwinner" how to become breadwinner where to win bread Duck boobs Free bread
16.
I like that the Reading Rainbow theme song starts off by aggressively one-upping butterflies
17.
"Um wow okay" -all of Santa's other reindeer
18.
i don't mean to body-shame, but this cat looks stupid as hell
19.
My mum was too embarrassed to tell the vet our tortoise was called voldetort so she just said his name was Susan
20.
what did we do to deserve dogs
21.
*sees a dog* *slowly turns head wide-eyed to life's 4th wall* A DOG
22.
DOGS: ★★★★★ So cute, many colors & sizes, happy butts, cold noses, some know where the ball is, breath could be better. A++ WOULD PET AGAIN
23.
that time my father pronounced 'hors d'oeuvres' as 'horse divorce' in front of other humans
24.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat's quinceanera.
25.
*takes picture of cat* *shows cat the picture*
